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Dealing with whining

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(@rachelbailey)
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Joined: 7 years ago
Posts: 191
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Post from Member: I’m sure this is something you’ve probably spoken about but I haven’t seen it and I need help! My 3 year old whines all the time! It literally goes right through me and I always tell her to stop whining right now. She can usually compose herself and say what she wants after that but I know it’s not correct approach especially since I’m mad when I say it. She will also cry if she doesn’t get her way. She also has bad separation anxiety and won’t let me out of her sight. I’m very short with her bc she depletes me. I always feel bad when I’m laying in bed at night. Is there any way to get her to stop whining?


   
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(@rachelbailey)
Estimable Member
Joined: 7 years ago
Posts: 191
Topic starter  

Reply from Rachel: Jessica Lopez there's never any problem in asking a question that's been asked before. And for the record, whining is ANNOYING so I'm always happy to address it! 

Keep in mind that whining is an unhealthy way for kids to cope with their frustration, fears, and other big emotions. (And of course kids who have fears and anxieties often have lots of big emotions and few coping skills...) So long-term solutions for you are going to be focusing on teaching her how to handle her Yuck. (Here's a lesson in the Academy about that: https://rachelbaileyparentingacademy.com/tools-for-long-term-change/how-to-teach-your-child-to-handle-yuck-discomfort/ )

I do have a couple of suggestions in the moment though. 
- One is to stop what you're doing and give her a hug. (Here's an article that explains this: https://www.ahaparenting.com/blog/How_to_Stop_Child_Whining)
Don't worry, this isn't rewarding negative behavior! You're just helping her regulate. 

- The other is to focus on calming yourself down and modeling what it looks like to deal with Yuck without in a better way. So instead of trying to get HER to stop whining, talk yourself through your feelings (out loud): "I don't like hearing the sound of whining. I'm feeling frustrating. I'm going to take a few deep breaths.... And a few more... And I'm going to give myself a big squeeze...." You're not just doing this for show, either. It really is about focusing on yourself. I like this strategy because ultimately you CAN'T control her, but you can calm yourself down (so you don't make the situation worse) AND model the behavior you want to see at the same time. 

The last thing I want to say is that if you do choose either of these strategies, you will NOT do it perfectly all the time. Don't expect yourself to. You're human! We all mess up, we all make "withdrawals"... but as long as we're trying and making deposits as well, that's all we can do.


   
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