Posted 4/23/19: KIDS NEED THE TOOL OF PROBLEM SOLVING
This month we're focusing on giving kids the tools they need to successfully meet the boundaries we set.
Another tool that comes very intuitively to us -- which means we don't develop it enough in our children -- is problem solving.
When kids know how to solve problems:
- they fight with siblings less (after all, when they don't know how to solve problems they can't resolve conflicts)
- they behave better (because they can find solutions to their problems rather than complaining, whining, or acting out)
- they feel better about themselves (they've learned through experiences) they can handle challenges and obstacles
But often we solve even the simplest problems for them. They say, "I'm hungry," and we say "Go get a piece of fruit from the fridge"... or they say "My sister is bothering me," and we intervene and solve the problem.
Teaching kids to solve problems is one of the easiest skills you can teach your kids because you can do it on a daily basis. Here are some examples of ways to teach kids to solve problems. (Here’s the entire resource that offers more ideas and explains how to do each: https://rachelbaileyparentingacademy.com/community/list-of-all-rbpa-resources/teaching-kids-to-solve-problems/ )
Instead of solving, ask “what do you need”? Bring problems (real or made up) to the dinner table and see if you can come up with great solutions together as a team
*Celebrate problem solving
Remember: When we give kids tools to succeed, we improve kids’ confidence, and increase the likelihood that they'll be INTERNALLY motivated to do things they don't want to do.
Posted 4/16/19: This month we're focusing on giving kids the tools they need to successfully meet the boundaries we set. After all, they do have to get dressed in the morning, brush their teeth, stay in bed, do their homework... but sometimes they genuinely don't have the tools to do that!
In last week’s reminder I mentioned that one tool that kids are missing that leads to “misbehavior” is the ability to get through monotonous tasks.
Another tool that kids are missing that leads to power struggles, disrespect, and defiance is their struggle to transition from one activity/place to the next. That’s why they get so angry when we ask them to leave the playground, leave parties… and especially get off of their electronics!
Especially when it’s engaged in a task, the human brain does not disengage easily. (That’s why you get really frustrated when your kids interrupt you when you’re having a conversation or doing something you need to finish).
So instead of expecting them to STOP what they’re doing just because we ask them to, we need to teach them how to create closure in an activity using the rhythm of the activity (ie, ask them to leave the playground after they’ve gone down the slide 5 times or ask them to get off of their device after an episode is over) come slowly out of their world (ie, talking to them about what they were doing as they walk to the next task)
See LOTS of ideas for how to do this in the resource here.
When we work WITH kids' brains instead of against them, we can motivate better behavior, improve their confidence, and increase the likelihood that they'll be internally motivated to do things they don't want to do.
Posted 4/9/19: This month we're focusing on giving kids the tools they need to successfully meet the boundaries we set. After all, they do have to get dressed in the morning, brush their teeth, stay in bed, do their homework... but sometimes they genuinely don't have the tools to do that!
This week's 4-week Focus is all about one of the most important kids tools kids need: knowing how to use engagement. Since their brains are WIRED for stimulation, novelty, and engagement, it really is difficult for them to get through monotonous tasks.
Since they still need to do those tasks, we can teach them how to add "engagement" to ANY task. This is NOT the same thing as making tasks "fun." For example, making homework engaging may mean walking around as they're studying spelling words. That's not FUN; it's just engaging their body.
See LOTS of ideas for how to do this in the resource here: https://rachelbaileyparentingacademy.com/community/list-of-all-rbpa-resources/teaching-kids-to-do-boring-tasks-they-dont-want-to-do/
When we work WITH kids' brains instead of against them, we can motivate better behavior, improve their confidence, and increase the likelihood that they'll be internally motivated to do things they don't want to to.
Posted 4/2/19:This month we’re focusing on why kids MUST have tools in order to behave positively. For better or worse, children are not just little adults. Their brains have not developed enough to naturally be able to do the things we can do as adults.
This isn’t an excuse for negative behavior, but it is a reason. The good news is that if we teach kids these tools, they’re more likely to behave better. Plus, teaching kids tools to succeed fosters internal motivation because they have the ability to do things they otherwise wouldn’t know how to do.
4 of the tools we’ll be focusing on this month are:
- Handling monotonous tasks -- so they can brush their teeth, do their homework, stay in bed, stop bothering siblings at the dinner table, etc.
- Handling transitions -- so they can leave birthday parties and friend’s houses and get off of their devices without melting down, etc.
- Solving problems -- so they complain less and fight less with siblings, etc.
- Regulating emotions -- so they can handle frustration and disappointment without acting out, becoming disrespectful, etc.
Can you elaborate on how knowing tools fosters internal motivation? I would really like my kids to know who they are and have internal motivation because I don't have very much internal motivation, and I see how problematic that is for me. I'm good at paying bills or things where there's an external penalty, but I'm not very good at doing things that would help only me or solving problems that you can't look up an answer for. I behaved better that they do right now but due to external motivation, so I've probably gone too far towards letting them do what they want because I'm trying to let them learn boundaries/natural consequences, which I thought was how you learn internal motivation. So I am also interested what you think about natural consequences because it doesn't seem like you talk about that much. (One example being if they don't stop playing with something when we need to eat or whatever, it will be mine for a while. I have started saying that less due to your tips for transitions and stopping points, which works often, but I still say it a lot.)
Great question, @do_better_2019!
I speak a lot about internal motivation, and while tools will may not lead to internal motivation in themselves, children can't be motivated without them. Kids need tools to know how to do things that we ask them to do. (They are NOT little adults, unfortunately.)
Here's one way to look at it: Imagine we want our children to do addition problems. If we never teach them how to add, they'll never be able to do those problems. And if we get mad at them for not doing the problems (because they didn't know how), they'll feel bad about themselves...or get angry at us for asking them to do them... or both! But once kids know how to do addition, they are ABLE to do what we ask.
The tools I'm discussing are similar in that way. We can't ask kids to transition effectively, control their impulses, regulate their emotions, etc. when the part of the brain that allows humans to do those tasks isn't fully developed.
I'm actually a big believer in natural consequences -- those that happen naturally, rather than punishments that we adults impose.
One of the reasons parent-imposed punishments don't work is that they are EXTERNAL motivators. Kids may not do something because they know we'll take something away from them. But what happens when we're not there to impose a punishment / take that thing away? Will a child still do the right thing? Often not.
Tools teach kids HOW to do things so that even when we're not there to remind them, they still have the skills required to be successful.
Let me know if you have any more questions about this!
@rachelb, I think I'm mixing up related and natural consequences in my mind. (And I vaguely learned consequences should be related a while ago from another parenting expert.) Like I think losing a toy you're being distracted by that seems to be why you're not listening is related but not natural especially if I've said that it would be mind in advance? Can you give some more examples of natural consequences that happen to kids or adults? I think I'm kind of mixed up because for adults a lot of the penalties are imposed from the outside... like late fees or traffic tickets for breaking "rules" but maybe those are natural given I know that's how the world works? And those fees (punishments) I'd have to pay are very motivating to me.
@do_better_2019, great question!
Here's a great article that describes how logical consequences (even imposed by an adult) can be helpful from a Positive Discipline perspective. They also link to another piece about natural consequences.
The good news is that you don't necessarily have to know the difference between the types of consequences!
Ultimately I think of it this way: If a consequence is delivered in a way that a child will focus more on protecting themselves (based on how disrespected/out of control they feel when the consequences is delivered), they will be in Yuck and won't be able to learn the lesson we're trying to teach them.
To use your example, if you got a traffic ticket from a police officer who said "I'm sorry, ma'am, you were speeding, so I have to give you a ticket," you'd probably focus your attention / energy on recognizing that you shouldn't speed. You can learn the lesson because you don't feel threatened.
But if you got a traffic ticket from a police officer who spoke out of anger and didn't treat with respect but rather said, "I cannot BELIEVE you were speeding! I'm so tired of people not giving a damn about the law... or about the fact that they could hurt others .. How many times will I have to ISSUE TICKETS before people like you slow down?!" your brain would likely focus more on how much of a jerk the cop was. (Our brains instinctively determine who is a friend and who is an enemy. And if we we are spoken to in a way that even slightly resembles a threat, our brains shut down the "learning" part of the brain and become defensive.)
So sometimes a "consequence" can be be more or less effective in teaching a lesson based on how it is delivered, regardless of how we categorize it.
Does that make sense?
But no matter what, teaching a child the tools to do something different the next time is incredibly effective in motivating better behavior the next time! (For example, maybe you gave yourself a tool where your car dinged every time you went above the speed limit. That tool would help you do better the next time.)