We are really struggling with bedtime. My 3.5 year old DOES NOT WANT TO SLEEP. Waking Lucille up at the same time every day used to prevent her progressively pushing her bedtime back; over the last couple weeks she's moved the time she goes to sleep about an hour and a half later despite getting up around the same time. She's TIRED in the morning so I don't think she simply needs less sleep. She dropped all naps by the time she was two, so that's not the problem either.
I've been working on making more proactive deposits during the day, especially into control. I've been working on tools for handling transitions and doing monotonous tasks. All of this is helping a lot during the day. The deposits into control are helping especially with her tendency to hit when cornered. I make sure she gets some physical activity and outside time every day. But I'm still missing something.
We have a consistent bedtime routine that seems to work well. The problem starts once the routine is over and she's in bed. She can recognize and verbalize that she's tired and needs sleep in the half hour or so before bedtime; I think we have it timed right for her to fall asleep when she's most tired but not overtired. But then she ramps herself back up. She gets up repeatedly, tries to do the most activating thing she can think of, like jumping on beds or running around the house, despite the fact she's "too tired" to do anything like that earlier in the day. She says she is afraid to go to sleep and this fear rises and falls based on the previous nights dreams--the worse the nightmare the harder and longer she will fight going to sleep the following night.
Help!
Comment from our resident sleep expert:
One of the main symptoms of being overtired for children is hyperactivity, caused by the surge in cortisol and adrenaline, so it's possible that she's overtired. If you need to wake her in the morning and she is still tired, you're right, she needs more sleep.
Without doing a full assessment, it sounds like typical limit-testing that is common at her age.
The best ways to combat the limit testing involves the consistent routine (which you already have ?) and preparation.
First, we want her to have a positive association with her room and bed, so spending 5-10 minutes, once or twice a day in her room and bed with you doing some sort of physical play, a dance party, tickle fest - the goal is to create a lot of laughter. Laughter releases endorphins and she'll associate her bed with a happy place to be.
One of the best ways to get your little one to comply with a peaceful bedtime is to get her on board. A fun way to do it is to create a bedtime chart with her together. Go through each step of your bedtime routine, with your guidance, and list all of the steps on a chart. (bath, get PJ's on, brush teeth etc.) As much as possible, allow her to come up with each step as it will feel more like HER idea. The last 2 steps should include laying peacefully in bed, and her sleeping in bed.
Then, in the evening, take a picture of her at each step in the routine. This is effective because kids <3 seeing pics of themselves and if she feel like the steps are her idea, she's more likely to comply. Ensure having a glass of water (if she normally has one), using the toilet are part of the routine too.
Once you have the chart put together, spend some time in the day, where you can rehearse and role play through the routine. Make it fun and away from bedtime. Involve her dolls or teddy bears. Rehearse each step with her favourite doll/teddy and talk about the expectations. Ask questions, and next steps and go through the chart. Just make it fun.
At bedtime, check off each step on the chart as you go (coloured markers or a sticker for each step). Save the last 2 stickers/checks for the morning once she's stayed peacefully in bed, and one for going to sleep nicely.
If you take a picture on your phone of her sound asleep and show her in the morning, kids love that as well.
Talk about it during the day and be consistent in what she can do.
Also, ensure the sleep environment is conducive to good sleep. No screen time for 1-2 hours before bed, and ideally in a dimly-lit room (harder in the summer) for 30-40 minutes before sleep time so she can produce the melatonin to help her fall asleep.
There are other techniques to help her fall asleep better as well, but that's where I'd start.
I hope that helps!