I'm going to start a new round of tips for raising teens on the topic of MOTIVATION. 

(Remember to click on the orange "Subscribe for new topics" button to receive notifications of the tips I'll be sending.) 

Part 1: YOUR Motivation

I talk about motivating teens a lot at local high schools, and the first thing I say to parents is that we talk about motivating our teens, we are really saying that we want them be motivated to do the things they DON'T WANT TO DO. (They're very motivated to do the things they do want to do.)

But before I share tips, I want you to think about this:

How do you get yourself to do the things that you don't want to do?
What prevents you from being motivated to do things you don't want to do?

Be honest with your answers... You'll see why I ask this question when I start to give you my tips. 

Part 2: Energy 

I talk about motivating teens a lot at local high schools, and the first thing I say to parents is that we talk about motivating our teens, we are really saying that we want them be motivated to do the things they DON'T WANT TO DO. (They're very motivated to do the things they do want to do.)

The truth is that when any of us have to do something we don't want to do, it takes energy to do that thing. If you don't feel like doing laundry, you'll do it anyway... but it takes energy to get over that “I don’t feel like doing it” hump to do it anyway.

So one of the first things to think about when thinking about motivation is: Does your teen have the energy to do the things they don't feel like doing? When I say energy, we need to consider both biological energy (which comes from enough sleep, being healthy, etc.) and emotional energy (which comes from feeling connected, significant, capable, in control, and secure -- the 5 emotional needs).

The easiest way to think about this is: Does your teen have too many "withdrawals" in their lives (and not many deposits)? Because "withdrawals" are like energy LEAKS. When we have lots of withdrawals and not enough deposits, our brain will spend its energy focusing on the Yuck… and it has less energy to get over that “I don’t feel like doing it” hump.

So when you're thinking about your teens' lack of motivation, consider: Are they in a good place physically? Are they in a good place emotionally?

In Part 2, I'm going to go a little deeper into the “drain” of energy from withdrawals from emotional needs accounts, since they play a huge role in teens’ (and everyone’s!) behavior.

Part 3: Emotional Energy

As I mentioned before, it takes energy to be motivated to do the things we don’t want to do.

And obviously when we’re tired or sick, we have less energy.

But we also have less energy when we’re not in a good place emotionally. Remember, when our emotional needs are not fully met, our brain responds in the same way as when our biological needs are not met. (We will be in Yuck -- and act negatively -- in either situation.)

So think about this: Does your teen have the emotional energy to be “motivated”? Do they have too many "withdrawals" in their lives (and not many deposits)? "Withdrawals" are energy LEAKS, and when we have leaks, we will focus on fixing those leaks (meeting needs) over doing something hard. 

One of the solutions, then, for motivating teens is to make sure they have deposits into their emotional needs accounts. There are lots of ways to do this (reach out if you want to have a conversation about it), but here are some simple ones that YOU can do.

• Ask them about something that matters to them.
• Ask them to teach you something about a topic that interests them (especially if it doesn’t interest you!).
• Tell them you’re sorry for something you’ve done in the past.
• Give them a little bit more (age-appropriate) control than you have in the past.

Not only do deposits lead to more mental energy to do hard things, but all humans are more motivated to do things for people who make these types of deposits.

Part 4:  Make Sure They Can Solve Problems

Even when kids have the ENERGY to be motivated to do things they don’t want to do, sometimes they simply don’t have the tools to handle doing things they don’t want to do.

For example, you may want your teen to get to bed by 11:00 so they’re getting enough sleep. They may have the energy to make this happen, but they simply don’t know how to fit everything into their day in order to get to bed by 11:00. (Sometimes we adults have trouble with that as well!)

Often when we take time to be in our teens’ worlds, we can help them identify the problems that appear to be a lack of motivation…but really are problems that they don’t have the tools to solve.

How do you do this without nagging and shutting them down? Having an attitude of curiosity can really help you determine if this is the issue. For example, you could say, “I know we’ve talked about you going to bed earlier. What IS it like when it’s 11 and you know you have to go to bed?” Letting them “complain” about a situation can often uncover obstacles that must be addressed if we want them to be more motivated.

Part 5: Make Sure They Can Handle Discomfort

One of the biggest obstacles to motivation that teens (and kids and adults) face is not knowing how to handle discomfort.

The human brain is WIRED to seek pleasure and avoid pain. So… to be “motivated” to do something we don’t want to, we are actually working against our brains.

Because when you want your teen to do homework and they’re playing video games instead, they’re not “motivated” to do the uncomfortable thing.

When you want your teen to be motivated to say no to a peer who’s a bad influence, they’re not “motivated” do that excruciatingly uncomfortable thing. (It really is painful for a teen to stand up to peers…)

So we need to teach kids tools to handle discomfort. We need to teach them to identify their discomfort, refuse to let those feelings control them, and do something different.

Even something as simple as teaching your teen how to get through doing the laundry by listening to music or breaking it into smaller pieces or giving themselves a reward if it gets done is teaching them how to persevere when something is uncomfortable.

No one is born with these skills. But they can learn them when we stop judging their behavior, join them where they are, and start teaching them how to do something different.

Part 6: Check the Nature of Your Relationship

This subject is one you’ll see on almost every topic I talk about.

If your children AREN’T motivated, it’s important to (honestly) check the nature of your relationship.

Here’s why: