What This Is Like from Your Perspective

You love your children, and you want them to have a good future. In fact, that’s what motivates a lot of your decisions. You want them to…

…do well in school so they will get a good job

… be respectful to people so they have healthy relationships in the future

… get ready in the morning, clean up after themselves, and learn how to be responsible so they can take care of themselves

You try to motivate them to act in certain ways now so that the future goes better for them. And when they don’t act the way you want them to, you try HARDER to get them to act that way… which often leads to more push back and power struggles (rather than the result you wanted).

What This Is Like from Your Child’s Perspective

Your chidren know you love them, but they don’t understand that you are sometimes hard on them because you’re thinking of what’s best for them. All they know is that

… you become stressed and “mean” when you talk about schoolwork

…you get mad at them when they don’t treat friends the way you want them to

…you yell or nag when they don’t do the “responsible” things you want them to do

They respond to your energy, and to your attitude, and they don’t stop to say, “Hey, Mom (or Dad) are just acting that way to ensure that I have a good future.”

 

 

How It Usually Goes When You Focus on the Future, Not Now

(That Makes You Feel Out of Control)

 

Scenario: Sonya is being mean to her little brother Cane. Sonya’s mom hears how she’s treating him and comes into the room.

Mom (thinking): I need to get Sonya to be nicer to Cane. 
Mom (yelling): Sonya! Don’t talk to him like that!

Sonya: But Mom! He keeps taking my stuff.

Mom (thinking): That’s no excuse for her to talk to him like that! He’s her brother!
Mom: I don’t care! You cannot talk to him like that.

Sonya: Well what am I supposed to do? He won’t STOP!

Mom (thinking): She needs to find some way to stand up for herself without being mean to him. If she keeps doing this, it will ruin their relationship. 
Mom: Sonya, he’s your little brother. You need to be watching out for him.

Sonya: But that’s not fair! Why do I always have to be the nice one?

Mom (thinking): I was the older sister and I was always mean to my brother, and look how that turned out… We barely speak. I don’t want that to happen to my kids. 
Mom: Because in families, it’s important to be nice. We have to be there for each other.

Sonya: What about him being there for me?

Mom (thinking): He will be there for you as he gets older, IF you’re nice now. 
Mom: Sonya, just be kinder to your brother, OK? You can ask him to leave your stuff alone.  Just do it more nicely! Or I’m not taking you to your friend’s house later!

Sonya: You’ll always take his side! It’s so unfair.

Mom (thinking): Why does everything have to be so hard with her? Why can’t she realize her brother is littler than she is? It will make their relationship so much better…
Mom: Sonya, I’m not taking his side. I’m trying to help.

Sonya: Well, you’re NOT helping.

Sonya runs off, upset with her mother. Her mom worries that she is NOT making things better for the kids’ relationship, but she isn’t sure what to do differently.

 

How It Usually Goes When You Focus on Now, Not the Future

(That Makes You Feel LESS Out of Control)

 

Scenario: Sonya is being mean to her little brother Cane. Sonya’s mom hears how she’s treating him and comes into the room.

Mom (thinking): I need to get Sonya to be nicer to Cane.
Mom (yelling): Sonya! Don’t talk to him like that!

Sonya: But Mom! He keeps taking my stuff.

Mom (thinking): That’s no excuse for her to talk to him like that! He’s her brother! I want them to get along… OK wait… If I want them to get along, yelling at her probably isn’t going to help. It’ll just upset her more and she’ll be MORE mean, not less mean. I’m going to stop trying to control how things go and focus on calming down.
Mom: OK, let’s talk about what’s going on here. 

Sonya: He just took that magazine that I put down for ONE SECOND. I was going to go back to it. 

Cane: I wanted to use it and she was taking too long!

Mom (thinking): I wish they could just work this OUT! I know that Sonya could just solve this if she just acted like the older sister and let her brother use things every once in a while. They’d have a much stronger relationship. (Pauses.) But maybe not. Maybe she’d resent him more. Maybe I need to listen to what they’re both saying.
Mom: So…you both want that magazine.

Sonya: Yeah, and it’s about making crafts. I’m more interested in that than Cane is!

Cane: But I want to see it! And you tell us we have to share!

Mom (thinking): You know what? They really don’t know HOW to work this out. I’m so focused on making sure they get along so they like each other in the future that I’m missing the fact that they don’t know HOW to get along! I need to help them now, now worry so much about later. 
Mom: You know what? I think we need to focus on some solutions here. I’m going to make a suggestion that considers both of your feelings. My suggestion is that Cane asks Sonya when she’ll be done with the magazine, and that Sonya, when you’re done, you let Cane see it.

Cane: Wait! That means she still gets it!

Mom (thinking): Cane’s still struggling to know he matters too. I can try to teach him how to handle it when you can’t get what you want right away. 
Mom: Cane, you’ll get it, but it might take a little longer that you’d hoped. And while you’re waiting, can you help me with something?

Cane (hesitantly): What?

Mom (thinking): He needs to put his attention on while he’s waiting his turn. I’ll suggest something I know he likes doing. 
Mom: I have to pick some picture to print out for a scrapbook I’m making. Can you help me choose?

Cane: OK, fine.

Mom (thinking): I really do practice solving problems like these to more often. I forget to do that and then I focus so much on making sure things are better later… but then I get really frustrated when things don’t go the way I think they should. I can help them now and just have faith that that will lead to things going better later. Ultimately, that’s all I can do anyway.