What This Is Like from Your Perspective

There is  nothing that triggers us more than unnecessary drama and disrespect. It is incredibly difficult to understand, let alone stay patient through, the behaviors that you’re dealing with. Like when your child…

…makes a huge deal over something small

…melts down because things didn’t go the way they wanted them to

…becomes rude when you set a boundary (they they KNEW you were going to set)

You know they’re going to have to learn how to be more flexible and respectful, and you want to teach them those tools… but nothing you do seems to work, which leaves you feeling frustrated and out of control.

What This Is Like from Their Perspective

Kids have a lot less power than they’d like. They’re constantly being told how to act, where to be, what they can and cannot do. So it is difficult for them when

…they had in their minds that something would go one way… and it doesn’t happen the way they hoped or expected

…they hear yet ANOTHER rule or boundary that they have to follow

…they have no control over certain things, and they know if they complain, they’ll just get in trouble

Kids genuinely do struggle to regulate their emotions in a “mature” way. When they are frustrated or disappointed they don’t know how to handle it more calmly, so they often release their big feelings through disrespectful or dramatic behaviors. 

 

 

How It Usually Goes When Your Child Is Being Dramatic 

(That Makes You Feel Out of Control)

 

Scenario: Maggie and her dad are at the store. Maggie asks her dad for shoes that she sees and really wants. Maggie’s dad tells her he’s not going to buy them for her, and Maggie rudely tells him that he never buys her ANYTHING. 

 

Dad (thinking): Is she serious? I buy her things all the time. She’s acting like a spoiled brat!
Dad (to Maggie): Maggie, I buy you so many things.

Maggie: No you don’t. Maybe the things I NEED, but never anything I WANT!

Dad (thinking): Did she NEED that last game we bought her? Or the new device?
Dad (frustrated): I think you’re conveniently forgetting some of the things you recently got…

Maggie: No I’m not.

Dad (thinking): She needs to know that being entitled is NOT OK.
Dad: You know what? You’ll see what it looks like when we “only buy you what you need.”

Maggie: You’re so mean, Dad!

Dad (thinking): I’m not being mean! This is for own good! This is a lesson she needs to learn.
Dad: I don’t care how mean you think I am. I don’t like your attitude.

Maggie rolls her eyes.

Dad (thinking): Her attitude is unacceptable. I have to make her see that.
Dad: Don’t you roll your eyes at me. Do that again and we’re leaving this store right now.

Maggie (snottily): Fine.

Dad (thinking): Clearly she’s not aware of how serious I am. Maybe I just have to take away something she cares about.
Dad: Fine, and I’m not taking you to Jessica’s later.

Maggie: Dad!

Maggie starts crying and making more of a scene. Her dad, embarrassed, tries even harder to get her to stop… making a bad situation worse. 

How It COULD Go When You Your Child Is Being Dramatic 

(That Makes You Feel Less Out of Control)

 

Scenario: Maggie and her dad are at the store. Maggie asks her dad for new shoes that she sees and really wants. Maggie’s dad tells her he’s not going to buy them for her, and Maggie disrespectfully tells him that he never buys her ANYTHING. 

 

Dad (thinking): Is she serious? I buy her things all the time. She’s acting like a spoiled brat!
Dad (to Maggie): Maggie, I buy you so many things.

Maggie: No you don’t. Maybe the things I NEED, but never anything I WANT!

Dad (thinking): Did she NEED that last game we bought her? Or the new device? (Pauses.) OK, wait. If I start to think of her as acting spoiled, I’m going to get really angry and things are going to downhill very fast. I need to calm myself down.
Dad: Maggie, I’m getting really frustrated. Give me a minute.

Maggie watches her dad.

Dad (thinking): OK, I do not like her attitude. But I can’t MAKE her act differently. What I can do is try to figure out what’s really going on.
Dad: You really like those shoes, don’t you?

Maggie (hopeful): Yeah. Why, can I get them?

Dad (thinking): Does she really think I’m going to get them for her now? (Pauses.) Oh wait…she’s not a BAD for asking that question. Of course she’s going to ask… she’s a kid and wants things, even if she knows she can’t have them. If I focus on THAT, I can stay more calm and this situation will go much better.
Dad (lightheartedly): No, kiddo. But… I’d love for you explain to me why they’re so cool.

Maggie (whines): I don’t want to do that!

Dad (thinking): OK, she’s clearly still upset. I’m not going to let her upset control me. I’m going to show her that I can handle myself, even if she isn’t acting the way I want her to.

Dad doesn’t say anything. After they walk for a few minutes and Maggie doesn’t seem like she’s fuming anymore, he speaks up.

Dad: Maggie?

Maggie (hesitantly): What?

Dad (thinking): I really do want her to know that I’m on her side even if I can’t buy her everything she wants.
Dad: I really am sorry about the shoes.

Maggie (smiles weakly). OK.

Dad (thinking): Even if Maggie isn’t acting exactly the way I want her to, I’m happy with how I responded… and ultimately that’s all I can control. 

The two walk along and eventually Maggie starts to talk about something different. Maggie’s dad is glad he focused on staying calm himself and doing what was in HIS power, even while maintaining his boundary. 

 

 

For Maggie’s dad to stay CALM in the moment, he needs tools to reduce his overall Yuck and tools to handle his triggers….

Otherwise nothing he tells himself (to calm down) in the moment will matter; his Yuck will be too deep to just talk himself through it.

He also needs to focus on what’s in his control rather than trying to MAKE Maggie behave the way he wants her to.

Ultimately, he can’t control his daughter, and if the harder he tries, the more resistant Maggie will be.