Member question:
What would be a respectful way to explain to my child that my rules still apply even though other relatives may allow him to do things I would not? For example, my son gets to eat pancakes for every meal if he wants at grandma’s, at home, pancakes are only for Sunday breakfast. So he gets angry and upset when I say no to pancakes on Thursday night.
Rachel’s response:
You’re definitely not alone in this frustration. Many parents have asked me about it. And it IS important for kids to know that we have rules in our house that others might not have in theirs.
Keep this in mind though: Whenever we are “correcting,” we need to connect first. Kids (and adults!) won’t hear us if they think all we are doing is convincing them that we are right and they are wrong.
So instead of it going this way:
HIM: Grandma lets me eat pancakes at every meal!
YOU: I know, but this isn’t Grandma’s house.
HIM: But that’s what I want!
YOU: I’m sorry, but that’s not what we do in this house.
HIM: That’s dumb. If Grandma does it, you should too.
YOU: NO. There are different rules in different houses. You’re not going to get everything you want here. That’s not what parents do.
It could go this way (goal: set the boundary, show you’re on his side and don’t get sucked into his Yuck):
HIM: Grandma lets me eat pancakes at every meal!
YOU: I know, but this isn’t Grandma’s house.
HIM: But that’s what I want!
YOU: I bet! That must be so much fun. I know how much you love pancakes.
HIM: Yeah, so I should get to have them.
YOU: I can’t let you have them for every meal. But you know what would be fun? Let’s talk about all of the craziest things we can think of that would go on pancakes.
This will go one of two ways:
1.) The excitement / stimulation will engage him OR
2.) He’ll still be upset. At that point, you stop talking and let him travel the curve. Nothing you say will make him feel better. He needs to release his disappointment and frustration and once he does, he’ll feel/act more positively.