Considering a Situation from a Parent’s Perspective
(How believing our thoughts prevents us from staying calm)
Dad: I think my son Tucker has some great qualities. He’s funny and smart. BUT he melts down at the smallest things! He is never going to make it in life if he doesn’t toughen up.
Like yesterday, he was playing with legos and he couldn’t get a piece to fit. He freaked out. Full-on meltdown. Just because a piece wouldn’t fit! What’s he going to do when something bigger happens in his life?
It’s not like I’m mean to Tucker. But I lose my patience every single time he freaks out over things that really don’t matter. I just want him to be able to handle life.
Considering the Same Situation from a Child’s Perspective
Tucker: I know people tell me I get upset too easily. And they get mad when I’m upset. Like Dad… he always gets so frustrated with me!
Yesterday I was working on my legos. I’d been working on this castle for so long, and I could picture exactly how the castle was SUPPOSED to look, and I was afraid that idea would pop out of my head before I could make it work… and then I just couldn’t get this piece to fit!
When it didn’t fit I kept thinking about how this happens to me all the time — I try to do something and I can’t! So I got upset! And my dad told me I was acting like a baby. That only made me MORE upset! And then I felt really bad because I just can’t help it that I get upset so easily. I’ve tried holding it in but I just can’t…
How It Usually Goes (In Our Heads)
When We Lose Our Calm
Scenario: Tucker is on the floor playing with legos and his dad is reading nearby. Both are quiet until Tucker lets out a large wail.
Dad (thinks): Jeez! What happened?! He was playing fine. Why is he freaking out?
(says to Tucker, loudly): Tucker!
Tucker (keeps crying).
Dad (thinks): What could be such a big deal that he is crying this hard?
Dad (to Tucker): Tucker! Calm down! There’s no reason to be upset!
Tucker (keeps crying).
Dad (thinks):This is crazy. If he can’t handle legos, he won’t be able to handle it when life gets REALLY hard.
Dad (to Tucker): Stop acting like that, Tucker.
Tucker (sobbing): I can’t help it!
Dad (thinks): Of course he can help it. He just has to focus on fixing the problem and he’ll feel better. Why doesn’t he just DO THAT?
Dad (to Tucker, angrily): Yes you can! Just STOP CRYING.
Tucker (sobbing harder): I can’t! You’re so mean!
Dad (thinks): It would be mean of me to let him go out in the world like this. He has GOT to toughen up.
Dad (to Tucker): If you think THIS IS mean, Tucker, you have no idea!
Tucker (cries more and Dad gets more frustrated).
What It Looks Like (In Our Heads)
To Change Our Thoughts to Stay Calm
Scenario: Tucker is on the floor playing with legos and his dad is reading nearby. Both are quiet until Tucker lets out a large wail.
Dad (thinks): Jeez! What happened?! He was playing fine. Why is he freaking out?
(to Tucker, loudly): Tucker!
Tucker (keeps crying).
Dad (thinks): What could be such a big deal that he is crying this hard?! Wait… he’s really upset. And he’s a kid. Kids get upset over things that adults don’t get upset over.
Dad (to Tucker, more slowly): Tucker, what’s going on?
Tucker (keeps crying).
Dad (thinks): Alright, I genuinely can’t imagine why he’s THIS upset. But whenever I think about how much of a “wimp” he’s being, I get upset and he cries harder. That’s not what I’m going for.
Dad (walks over to Tucker and puts a hand on his arm.)
Tucker (keeps crying, but is starting to slow down).
Dad (thinks): I know when I’m upset, I just need a little time. I’m going to give Tucker a little time.
Dad (sits next to Tucker, not saying much).
Tucker (after a few minutes, his crying stops).
Dad (thinks): Ahhh, me staying calm seems to help him stay calm.
Dad (to Tucker): You got really upset, didn’t you?
Tucker: Yeah… I just couldn’t get it right! I couldn’t!
Dad (thinks). He is going to have to learn how to not freak out when he can’t get it right. But instead of yelling at him about it, I’m going to do a little research and find different ways to handle this. Yelling doesn’t work, but I’m sure there’s something that does.
Dad (to Tucker): I get it, Tuck. I think it’s important that you learn to handle this, but we’ll work on it together, OK?
Tucker. Yeah.
How to Make Sure You Can Change Your Thoughts In the Moment
Your level of Yuck is going to a huge difference in whether you can re-set your change your thoughts in the moment.
You will be able to change your thoughts MUCH more easily when you have made proactive deposits into your CALM.
This means that:
your biological and emotional needs are met and
you have set realistic expectations about situations that regularly frustrate you.
(See Step 1 of the Parenting by Deposit Roadmap to learn more about how to make these proactive deposits.)