How to Feel More In Control When You Don't See Eye to Eye With a Spouse or Other Caregiver

What This Is Like from Your Perspective

Usually when you’re working through a parenting issue with a spouse, co-spouse, or other caregiver, your perspective really matters to you. So when the other person doesn’t share your perspective, you may

…tell them over and over all of the reasons that you are right (and they are wrong)

…say things that make the situation worse (that you later regret)

…make no headway in finding a solution

So you feel stuck because although you can see what they are trying to say, you really want them to understand what YOU are trying to say. And when they don’t, you feel out of control.

What This Is Like from Their Perspective

The person you are parenting with also loves your child. And they want to be heard just as much as you do. So when you try so hard to make them see your point of view, they may

…refuse to listen to you because they feel that you’re not listening to them

…say things that make you more angry because they are so frustrated

…refuse to compromise because they do not feel like you’re open to what they have to say

They likely feel just as stuck as you do, and want just as badly for you to hear them as you want them to hear you.

How It Usually Goes When We Don’t See Eye to Eye With Another Caregiver

(That Makes Us Feel More Out of Control)

Scenario: Kelsey and her husband Adam are trying to decide where to take their next vacation with their kids. Adam wants to take the kids camping because he thinks it will be good for them, but Kelsey knows that camping will mean extra work for her.

Kelsey (thinking): There is no way I’m going camping. That would be the furthest thing from a vacation for me!
Kelsey: Adam, we cannot go camping.

Adam: Kelsey, the kids would love it. And I’m tired of going on these vacations where they get every single thing they want. They are entertained all day long, we go out for every single meal…They’re going to get spoiled!

Kelsey (thinking): We go out to dinner because if we don’t, I have to do all the work! And that’s not a vacation for me! Why can’t he see that?
Kelsey: Adam, I don’t want to entertain them, so we find things for them to do. And I want a break from cooking. Are you calling ME spoiled?

Adam (defensive): Of course not. But I’ll help make the meals if we go camping.

Kelsey (thinking): He doesn’t know how much work I’d have to do to get everything ready. I need to make him see how difficult it would be for me.
Kelsey: Adam, I’d have to do all the planning, all the shopping, all the packing, all the preparation once we’re there, and then I’d have to deal with the complaining when one of them doesn’t like the meals, or if we forgot to bring something…

Adam (getting angry): I SAID I’d help.

Kelsey (thinking): Why can’t I get him to understand? He THINKS he helps but honestly, his “help” only creates more work for me. I have to get him to change his mind!
Kelsey: Adam, I’m NOT going camping. I’ll find something else for us to do…

Adam: Everything you pick is all about the kids. I’d like a vacation to be about something that’s good for them for once, instead of just something that’s fun.

Kelsey (thinking): He is NOT hearing me! What can I do??
Kelsey: Well I’m not going camping. If you want to go, I’m staying behind.

Adam (yelling): Kelsey, stop acting like such a baby…

Adam and Kelsey continue to fight, each trying to convince the other that they are right.

How It Could Go When We Don’t See Eye to Eye With Another Caregiver

(That Makes Us Feel LESS Out of Control)

Kelsey (thinking): There is no way I’m going camping. That would be the furthest thing from a vacation for me!
Kelsey: Adam, we cannot go camping.

Kelsey (thinking): Does he not see that going out for every meal helps me? Why can’t he see that? (Pauses.) I REALLY want him to hear what I have to say. But if I keep insisting that I’m right and he’s wrong, we’re not going to get anywhere. I can at least hear him out.
Kelsey: OK… tell me why you think camping is so great.

Adam: Well for one thing, they will be in nature… That’s so good for them, and they don’t do that much of that at home. And we can have THEM prepare some meals! They can help.

Kelsey (thinking): Ha! He thinks that having the kids help with preparations is going to make things easier?? I want him to hear everything that goes into planning a trip like this. BUT I can’t make him listen to me. That’s not in my control. What I can do is listen to him. At the very least, it will increase the chance that he’ll listen to me too.
Kelsey: You’re right. Being outside and having them make some food would be good for them.

Adam (sensing that Kelsey is trying to be on his side): Yeah. And I have such good memories from when I was a kid… s’mores and stories by the campfire…

Kelsey (thinking): That all does sound good. But Adam just isn’t seeing how hard it will be on me. I know that if I want to get him to hear me, I need him to know I’m listening to him. I can do that.
Kelsey: You’re right. I went to sleepover camp and the best part was the campfires.

Adam: Yeah. I want our kids to have that too.

Kelsey (thinking): OK, fine, so he’s trying to do what he thinks is right for our kids. I have to remember that.
Kelsey: I get that, Adam.

Kelsey waits a moment, letting Adam know that she’s not immediately dismissing his idea.

Kelsey: Adam? Can I tell you why a camping trip would be hard for me?

Adam: Yeah.

Kelsey (thinking): OK, I can tell he’s willing to listen to me now. I’m going to focus on not being defensive or blaming. I can manage my tone.
Kelsey: Camping sounds like a lot of fun. I’m just afraid that it sounds like a lot of work too.

Adam: We’ll help!

Kelsey (thinking): His “help” isn’t helpful. But if I tell him that, he’ll just get defensive. I can be careful about how I speak to him.
Kelsey: Thanks, I do appreciate that. I know you mean well. But sometimes I find that people trying to help me only makes it harder for me.

Adam: OK, so what do you suggest?

Kelsey (thinking): Ah, he’s asking for my suggestion. I’m going to make a suggestion that isn’t dismissive of what he wants to do.
Kelsey: Can we find vacations that are outdoors and involve the kids doing a little work… but aren’t camping and won’t involve quite as much preparation?

Adam: Yeah, I’m open to that idea.

Kelsey (thinking): There’s no way he would have been open to considering another option if I tried to force him to see that I’m right. I’m glad I focused on what I could do to make the conversation go more smoothly instead of just trying to make him see my point of view.

For Kelsey to stay CALM in the moment, she needs tools to reduce her overall Yuck and tools to handle her triggers….

Otherwise nothing he tells himself (to calm down) in the moment will matter; his Yuck will be too deep to just talk himself through it.

He also needs to focus on what’s in his control rather than trying to MAKE Adam see how hard things will be for her.

Ultimately, she can’t make someone else see her point of view (especially if she is unwilling to hear his), and if the harder she tries, the harder Adam will try to push his own agenda.