What This Is Like from Your Perspective
You may be happy to have your children come home from school, expecting to have some conversations about their day and maybe do an activity together. But when they get home from school and they are
… disrespectful toward you and their siblings
…not doing what they know they’re supposed to do (putting their backpack away, doing homework, etc.)
…complaining about everyone and everything
It’s hard not to become frustrated and make the situation worse! You may hope that each day will be better, but the negativity continues, and you’re not sure how to turn things around.
What This Is Like from Their Perspective
While kids may enjoy some parts of school, most of the day is spent doing things that are actually tiring for them — sitting still, being quiet, navigating social situations, dealing with different teachers’ expectations… It takes a lot of energy for them to hold it together all day long. So when they get home they have an urge to
… stop being “on” and start to release that Yuck inside
…focus on things THEY care about instead of MORE RULES and expectations
… complain about everything that happened that day
They aren’t handling their feelings in a healthy way, but often it’s the only way they know how.
How It Usually Goes When You
Try to Deal With After-School Yuck
Scenario: Presley has just gotten home from school. He drops his backpack on the floor (right in front of the hanger where it’s supposed to go), demands a snack, and then starts bothering his sister Ella even before his mom can ask how his day was.
Mom: I’m not making you a snack, Presley.
Presley: Why not? I’m hungry!
Mom: Not when you don’t do what you’re supposed to do. You know you’re supposed to hang up your backpack! And all you’re doing is bothering your sister…
Presley: She was bothering me on the bus…
Ella: I was not!
Presley: You were too!
Mom: Presley, STOP IT!
Presley (whining): But I’m hungry. I want some chips and salsa!
Mom: Presley, I’m not your maid. You can’t talk to me like that.
Presley: Fine, I’ll get it myself!
Mom: That’s not the point. You can’t go around treating us like this every day after school.
Presley: I don’t!
Mom: Yes you do. Now go put your backpack away before snack.
Presley: No!
Mom: Put it away or you can’t use screens this afternoon…
Presley: Fine!
Presley walks away without putting his backpack away and without having eaten a snack. He goes into the other room and starts bothering his sister again…
How It Could Go (Better) When You
Try to Deal With After-School Yuck
Scenario: Presley has just gotten home from school. He drops his backpack on the floor (right in front of the hanger where it’s supposed to go), demands a snack, and then starts bothering his sister Ella even before his mom can ask how his day was.
Mom (laughs): Hi to you too, kiddo.
Presley (annoyed): MOM, I’m hungry. I don’t want to say hi.
CALM
Presley’s mom doesn’t like how Presley responds to her. She would like Presley to be respectful even if he’s tired and hungry. She knows that if she wants her son to act that way even when he’s in Yuck, she must do the same. So she stays calm by focusing on her own reaction and modeling what she wants to see.
Mom: I know you’re hungry. Please go over there and get some chips and salsa.
Presley (whines): Can’t you get it for me?
Mom: I could… but I have a question for you about that game you were playing last night on your tablet.
CONNECT
Presley’s mom wants Presley’s behavior to change. In order to do that, she knows she has to address the reason for Presley’s negative behavior — he’s hungry and he’s tired of doing “boring school things” all day. He just wants to talk about something HE cares about, so she helps him meet his needs.
Presley (slightly interested since it’s a topic he cares about): What question?
Mom: So your dad told me that you get into the treasure box…
Presley: Yeah…
Mom: Please go pick up your backpack. And then can you tell me what was in it? And how did you even get there? I know you were struggling when you tried to get to the treasure earlier…
CORRECT
Although she is giving him what he needs, Presley’s mom still maintains her boundary. In fact, it’s because she’s giving him what he needs (rather than focusing only on her own agenda) that he is able to meet the boundary.
Presley (puts his backpack away as he’s talking): It was the coolest thing… You should have seen it!
Mom (interrupts): Wait, why don’t you go get your snack? I’ll meet you at the table. You can tell me while you’re eating.
Presley continues talking about the game while he eats. Because his mom has figured out what Presley needs after school — food and time to talk about something other than school — she is able to fill his need so that he is more relaxed and less cranky. (She knows that her daughter may need something different from what Presley needs.)
What Is Needed to Make This
In-the-Moment Scenario Work
Although Presley’s mom used Calm, Connect, Correct to handle this situation,
proactive tools will make all of the difference in how this situation plays out in the moment.
For her to stay CALM in the moment, she needs tools to reduce her overall Yuck and tools to handle her triggers….
Otherwise Presley’s behavior will put her into Yuck and things will go downhill quickly.
For her to CONNECT in the moment, she needs tools to understand what’s causing her son’s negative behavior…
Otherwise she won’t recognize WHY he’s being cranky, irritable, and rude, and she won’t be able to give him what he needs to change his behavior.
For her to CORRECT in the moment, Presley needs to know that his mom means what she says because she’s been consistent in the past.
Otherwise Presley will do whatever he knows he can “get away with” because he’s done so in the past.