What This Is Like from a Parent’s Perspective

 

You want to teach your kids that sometimes things don’t go the way we want them to. But sometimes when your kids are frustrated or disappointed, they can’t seem to handle it!

They scream about how mean you are when you tell them they can’t go to their friend’s house because they didn’t finish their homework.

They melt down when you tell them they’re being mean to their sibling.

They can’t complete a task and start whining and crying.

You want them to be able to face adversity in life, but right now it seems that they have no ability to do that.

 

What This Is Like from a Child’s Perspective

 

There are so many limits that children face on a daily basis. Sometimes it’s because an adult is telling them what to do (or not to do), and sometimes it is because of their own physical limitations. Either way, they feel helpless much of the time. And when they feel like this so often…

They scream when they were looking forward to going to their friend’s house and find out that they can’t go.

They melt down when they were frustrated with their sibling and then you appear to take their sibling’s side.

They whine and cry when they have to face yet another thing that they don’t know how to do.

They are tired feeling out of control all the time, and they do not have the tools to act mature in situations when things don’t go their way.

 

 

How It Usually Goes When

A Child Acts Immaturely When They Are Frustrated or Disappointed

 

Scenario: Andrea’s mom and dad have to go to an appointment. They were going to leave Andrea with a babysitter, but the babysitter canceled, so now Andrea has to go with her parents and wait while they have their appointment. 

 

Andrea: I don’t want to go with you!

Mom: What do you want me to do, leave you home alone?

Andrea: Yes! No! I don’t care! I just don’t want to go!

Dad: Andrea, we cannot cancel this appointment. And there is no babysitter. We have to take you.

Andrea (whining): No! I was going to play that new game tonight! That’s what I want to do!

Mom: You can’t always get what you want, Andrea.

Andrea: But it’s not fair! I didn’t make that stupid appointment.

Dad: Life isn’t fair, Andrea. Your mom and I didn’t plan on taking you with us. You don’t see us freaking out.

Andrea (starts screaming): I always have to do what you want! You never listen to me!

Mom: Andrea, calm down!

Andrea: NO! I don’t want to sit in that stupid room while you have your stupid appointment!

Dad: Andrea! Stop acting like a spoiled brat!

Andrea (screaming): I AM NOT A SPOILED BRAT!!!

Andrea’s mom and dad don’t know what to say to Andrea. They know they have to get her in the car, but everything they say seems to make the situation worse. 

How It Could Go When

A Child Acts Immaturely When They Are Frustrated or Disappointed

 

Scenario: Andrea’s mom and dad have to go to an appointment. They were going to leave Andrea with a babysitter, but the babysitter canceled, so now Andrea has to go with her parents and wait while they have their appointment. 

 Andrea: I don’t want to go with you!

Mom: What do you want me to do, leave you home alone?

Andrea: Yes! No! I don’t care! I just don’t want to go!

Mom: I know, kiddo. You really wanted to stay home.

Andrea: Yes! This appointment is stupid.

Mom (laughs): Yeah, we don’t really want to go either. But we have to.

CALM

Andrea’s mom would like her daughter to stop acting like a brat about having to come to the appointment. She also knows that Andrea’s behavior comes from her feelings of frustration and disappointment… and that if she gets upset, it will only make Andrea’s behavior worse.

Instead, she focuses on staying calm herself, modeling what it looks like to stay calm even when things aren’t going the way she wants them to. 

  Andrea: Well I DON’T have to. And I won’t.

Mom: What did you want to do instead?

Andrea: Stay home and play that new game?

Mom: Oh yeah… the one where you have to roll three sets of dice?

Andrea: Yeah. And you’re not letting me play. Mom: It’s hard to not get what you want.

 

CONNECT

Andrea’s mom wants to tell her all of the reasons that she’s being selfish and immature. She also knows that her daughter has a perspective too, and that she won’t act more positively until she feels heard.

So she focuses on respecting Andrea’s point of view instead of focusing only on her own. 

 

Andrea: So let me stay home!

Mom: I can’t. I know it stinks, but we need to go, and we need to take you.

Andrea: You’re so mean!

Mom (doesn’t say anything).

Andrea: You CAN let me stay home. You just don’t want to!

Mom (doesn’t say anything).

 

CORRECT

Even as she is respecting her perspective, Andrea’s mom still isn’t going to give in to Andrea’s request to stay home. She knows she needs to teach Andrea that sometimes you have to do things you don’t want to do.

At the same time, she also focuses on helping Andrea handle her frustration and disappointment by being there with her as she releases her big feelings.

She is being firm while teaching Andrea that she can handle her feelings. 

 

Andrea: Why are you ignoring me?

Mom: Because I love you too much to make you feel worse when you’re upset. I’ll talk when you’re feeling better.

Andrea: I feel fine! I just don’t want to go with you!

Mom (doesn’t say anything). Andrea grumbles and complains for a few more minutes. 

Mom: OK, let’s go, kiddo. And while we’re on the way there, let’s talk about when we can all play that new game of yours.

Andrea sighs and goes with her parents. After few minutes, she and her dad make plans to play the game that weekend. 

 

 

What is REQUIRED for In-the-Moment Parenting to Work

 

Though Andrea’s mom used the Calm, Connect, Correct strategy in the moment, proactive deposits will make all of the difference in how this situation will play out. 

If you want to give your child tools to be successful (so they can handle their disappointment and frustration), remember: 

 

[expand title=”Depositing into CALM”]

You will only be able to stay calm when

a.) your own biological or emotional “needs accounts” are met (otherwise you won’t have a reserve to draw from and you’ll immediately go into Yuck)

b.) you set the expectation that your children have different priorities than you do.

When you make sure your own needs are met and you set realistic expectations PROACTIVELY, you are more likely to be able to stay calm. [/expand]

 

[expand title=”Depositing into CONNECT”]

You will be able to connect if

a.) you respect that ALL behavior has a reason and

b.) you understand those reasons (in a case like this, that kids act immaturely when they don’t get their way… and that they’ll act more positively when they release their feelings)

When you become comfortable with the reasons behind behavior PROACTIVELY, you will be able to connect more effectively. [/expand]

 

[expand title=”Depositing into CORRECT”]

You will be able to correct behavior by offering a tool if

a.) You have demonstrated consistently in the past that you mean what you say when you set a boundary like “You do need to come with us to the appointment.”

b.) You have made enough deposits into your kids’ emotional needs that setting a boundary doesn’t put them immediately into Yuck.

When you demonstrate that you mean what you say and when you make deposits into your kids’ emotional needs PROACTIVELY, you  will be able to correct behavior more effectively. [/expand]