What This Is Like from a Parent’s Perspective

 

You want your child to meet their full potential. But when you see how mean they are to themselves when they make a mistake…

…When they melt down because they can’t do something perfectly…

…When they talk about how “stupid” they are when they do something wrong…

…When they say that they want to hurt themselves because they’re such a “bad kid”…

It is incredibly heartbreaking. You tell them that they they aren’t bad, that mistakes are normal, that they should be kinder to themselves… but they don’t listen. 

 

What This Is Like from a Child’s Perspective

 

Children get constant messages that they should try their best, do their best, and be their best.

And some kids start to do feel their best when they do things the right way. Then they get rewarded for their performance, and they can’t handle it when things don’t come as easily to them.

So they want to do things perfectly because it feels better…

And they don’t know how to handle the discomfort of doing something wrong, so they turn that Yuck in on themselves…

And sometimes, they even do think that unless they’re the best, they really do deserve bad things. 

These behaviors and thoughts just seem to come up for them. And someone telling them they’re wrong doesn’t make them feel any better. 

 

 

How It Usually Goes When

A Child Is Mean To Themselves

 

Scenario: Cathy and her dad are working on an art project together. Cathy isn’t doing her project as neatly as her dad is, and she’s getting more and more frustrated. Eventually Cathy says, “I cannot DO this! I’ll NEVER get it right!” 

Dad: Cathy, of course you can do it!

Cathy: No I CAN’T! I’m so bad at this stuff.

Dad: You’re not bad. Look at all those other projects you’ve made. That castle…

Cathy: That castle was easy. Anyone could do it.

Dad: That’s not true, sweetie.

Cathy: Yes it is, Dad. I made it like 2 years ago and it was so simple.

Dad: Well it takes time to learn harder things. You have to be patient.

Cathy: It doesn’t matter HOW patient I am! I’ll never be good projects like this.

Dad: That’s a bad attitude to have, Cathy. Try to think more positively.

Cathy: I don’t want to, Dad! You’re good at these things. I’m not. There’s nothing you can say to make me feel better!

Dad doesn’t know what else to say. He feels worried and helpless.

 

How It Could Go When

A Child Is Mean To Themselves

 

Scenario: Cathy and her dad are working on an art project together. Cathy isn’t doing her project as neatly as her dad is, and she’s getting more and more frustrated. Eventually Cathy says, “I cannot DO this! I’ll NEVER get it right!” 

Dad: Cathy, of course you can do it!

Cathy: No I CAN’T! I’m so bad at this stuff.

Dad (calmly): What makes you say that?

[expand title=”CALM”]

 

Cathy: Did you see? The glue won’t stick and this piece keeps falling off.

Dad: I do see that.

Cathy: And you’re doing it so well. And I’m not.

Dad: You’re frustrated that yours looks different than mine.

Cathy: Yeah! Mine stinks! Yours doesn’t.

Dad: Do you wish yours looked like mine?

Cathy: Yes!

Dad: You like it when things are neat.

[expand title=”CONNECT”]

Cathy’s dad wants her to be able to give herself a break. He also knows that he needs to help her feel understood if he wants her to think more rationally.

So he focuses on respecting Cathy’s point of view instead of insisting that Cathy see his. [/expand]

Cathy: Yeah, otherwise there’s no point.

Dad: Fair enough. (Pauses.) Hey, Cath?

Cathy (still a little upset): What?

Dad: What do you need right now?

Cathy: For mine to look as good as yours!

Dad: I can’t make ours look the same. So can I just sit here with you for a minute?

Cathy: Fine. (In a few moment she starts to become antsy and starts working on the project again.)

Dad: So do you need help with that section?

Cathy: Yeah.

Dad: I’m happy to help you. But I might not make it perfect. I just do my best and try to have fun when I’m doing these things.

Cathy: I know. I just like things to look good.

Dad: I get that, Cath. It’s more comfortable that way. At the same time, sometimes we have to learn to be OK when things aren’t perfect. See, I’m going to mess up mine a little! (He takes a piece off of his project so it looks lopsided.) You do one too! Mess mine up!

[expand title=”CORRECT”]

Even as he is respecting her perspective, Cathy’s dad isn’t going to agree with her that she’ll never get anything right. Once he’s helped her release her Yuck (by listening to her and being patient), then he can teach the lesson he wants her to learn.

He is being firm while teaching Cathy the tools to move through Yuck without letting it control her.  [/expand]

Cathy (takes a piece too. They both start laughing). Now yours isn’t perfect either!

Dad: Exactly. I’m OK with it. Can you try to be too?

Cathy (sighs): I’ll try.

 

 

What is REQUIRED for In-the-Moment Parenting to Work

 

Though Cathy’s dad used the Calm, Connect, Correct strategy in the moment, proactive deposits will make all of the difference in how this situation will play out. 

If you want to give your child tools to be successful (so they can handle their disappointment and frustration), remember: 

 

[expand title=”Depositing into CALM”]

You will only be able to stay calm when

a.) your own biological or emotional “needs accounts” are met (otherwise you won’t have a reserve to draw from and you’ll immediately go into Yuck)

b.) you set the expectation that your children have different priorities than you do.

When you make sure your own needs are met and you set realistic expectations PROACTIVELY, you are more likely to be able to stay calm. [/expand]

 

[expand title=”Depositing into CONNECT”]

You will be able to connect if

a.) you respect that ALL behavior has a reason and

b.) you understand those reasons (in a case like this, that kids feel WORSE when we tell them that their perspective is wrong)

When you become comfortable with the reasons behind behavior PROACTIVELY, you will be able to connect more effectively. [/expand]

 

[expand title=”Depositing into CORRECT”]

You will be able to correct behavior by offering a tool if

a.) You have demonstrated consistently in the past that you mean what you say when you set a boundary like “You need to learn how to handle mistakes.”

b.) You have made enough deposits into your kids’ emotional needs that setting a boundary doesn’t put them immediately into Yuck.

When you demonstrate that you mean what you say and when you make deposits into your kids’ emotional needs PROACTIVELY, you  will be able to correct behavior more effectively. [/expand]