What This Is Like from a Parent’s Perspective

 

You put up with a lot as a parent. But there is absolutely no way you can accept a child who is aggressive.

So when one child hits another…

…or when they yell at you in your face when you tell them “no”

…or when they destroy books or toys because they’re upset

You know the behavior needs to STOP. You just don’t know how to make that happen, because nothing you’ve tried before helps in the long run.

 

What This Is Like From a Child’s Perspective

 

Most children who are aggressive KNOW that they’re not supposed to hit or push.

But, when they feel upset or angry, their emotions take over.

…They are so flooded that they aren’t thinking rationally…

….And that energy comes out as hitting… or pushing… or destroying things.

And then they get in trouble. That certainly isn’t what they WANTED, but they don’t know how else to handle their big feelings.

 

 

How It Usually Goes When

Kids Are Aggressive

 

Scenario: Nolan and his sister Kat are building with legos together. Nolan has been working on a piece of the building but he can’t get it right and becomes frustrated. Kat tells him to chill out, and out of anger, he knocks down the part of the building that she’d been working on.

 

Dad: Nolan! What are you doing? You just destroyed her part of the building!

Nolan: She was mean first!

Dad: She just told you to chill out. That wasn’t mean!

Nolan: Yes it WAS!

Dad: Nolan, there is absolutely NO EXCUSE for pushing over someone’s hard work. Now you’re not going to your friend’s house later.

Nolan (yelling): DAD, THAT’S NOT FAIR. (He starts to push his dad.)

Dad: NOLAN! You CANNOT PUSH ME! Get out of here! Go to your room!

Nolan (yelling): This is the WORST FAMILY EVER! You all HATE ME!

Dad: YOUR ROOM! Now!

Nolan stomps off and slams the door to his room. Nolan’s dad and sister hear him throwing things around in there.

 

 

How It Could Go When

Kids Are Aggressive

 

Scenario: Nolan and his sister Kat are building with legos together. Nolan has been working on a piece of the building but he can’t get it right and becomes frustrated. Kat tells him to chill out, and out of anger, he knocks down the part of the building that she’d been working on.

Note: Because we’re dealing with emotional regulation in this scenario — which is hard even for adults to manage — the “wall push-ups” Yuck Release Strategy mentioned below must have been taught proactively for this to work.

 

Dad (with a firm voice to show he is in charge): Nolan.

Nolan (defensive): What?

Dad: I saw what happened. I know Kat told you to chill out. And you didn’t like that.

 

[expand title=”CALM”]

Nolan’s dad wants to immediately focus on the fact that Nolan was wrong.  But he knows that will only make Nolan more defensive. 

He also knows that he needs to DEMONSTRATE to Nolan how to stay calm even when things aren’t going your way. 
​
Instead of focusing on Nolan’s behavior, he focuses on being a role model and stays calm. [/expand]

 

Nolan: NO! I was just trying to finish that one part on the building.

Dad: I know. You had been working hard on that, and it was not working.

 

[expand title=”CONNECT”]

Nolan’s dad knows that showing Nolan that he understands his behavior will make Nolan less defensive and aggressive.   [/expand]

 

Nolan: NO. It wasn’t.

Dad: So that comment annoyed you even more.

Nolan: Yeah!

Dad: Nolan, we don’t knock down. Even when we’re annoyed.

Nolan: But she started it!

Dad: I know you were annoyed with her. And it’s hard to hold that annoyance in. I’m annoyed too, so I’m going to do my wall pushups to get all of that annoyed energy out. (Dad walks to the wall and starts doing wall pushups. He counts as he does each one.)

 

[expand title=”CORRECT”]

Instead of telling Nolan how wrong his behavior was, he reminds Nolan what “acceptable” behavior is and then gives him tools to be successful. 
​
Nolan’s dad reiterates his rule while showing Nolan HOW to do what he needs to do.  [/expand]

 

Nolan (doesn’t move).

Dad (continues doing pushups and counting). Want to join me?

Nolan: No.

Dad: OK. I’m going to keep going till I feel less annoyed inside.

Nolan stands still for a moment and then starts to do them too.

Nolan and his dad start counting together as they do pushups and calm down.

 

 

How to Make In-the-Moment Parenting Work

 

Though Nolan’s dad used Calm, Connect, Correct, proactive deposits will make all of the difference in how this situation plays out in the moment.

If you want to give your child tools to be successful (so they are less aggressive), remember: 

 

[expand title=”Depositing into CALM”]

You will not be able to stay calm if

a.) your own biological or emotional “needs accounts” are low (if you feel like no one respects YOU and/or you have no control)

b.) you have the expectation that your children will have the same priorities that you do

When you make sure your own needs are met and you set realistic expectations PROACTIVELY, you are more likely to be able to stay calm. [/expand]

 

[expand title=”Depositing into CONNECT”]

You will be able to connect if

a.) you respect that ALL behavior has a reason and

b.) you understand those reasons (in a case like this, that when you teach children HOW to be successful, they do behave better)

When you become comfortable with the reasons behind behavior PROACTIVELY, you will be able to connect more effectively. [/expand]

 

[expand title=”Depositing into CORRECT”]

You will be able to correct behavior by offering a tool if

a.) You have demonstrated consistently in the past that you mean what you say when you set a boundary like “We do push when we are frustrated.”

b.) You have made enough deposits into your kids’ emotional needs that setting a boundary doesn’t put them immediately into Yuck.

When you demonstrate that you mean what you say and when you make deposits into your kids’ emotional needs PROACTIVELY, you  will be able to correct behavior more effectively. [/expand]