What This Is Like from a Parent’s Perspective
You try so hard to treat your kids equally. You buy them the same things and give them the same portion sizes.
But they still insist that things “aren’t fair” …
And they each constantly want to be the first to do something or have more than their sibling.
They constantly check to see what their sibling has before they determine whether they’re happy.
And you’re tired of the competition and comparison, which inevitably leads to bickering and fighting… But speaking to them logically doesn’t work, and you don’t know what else to do make it stop.
What This Is Like From a Child’s Perspective
All human beings want to know they matter… and children’s need for significance is instinctive.
They don’t realize that they are still important even if they’re NOT first, or if they get LESS than their brother or sister.
So they whine and complain when their sibling gets more of something.
And they try to “prove” their value by being first or getting more.
Especially when they’re already feeling bad about themselves, they don’t want to “lose out” to their brother or sister. So they will focus on getting what they want, at any cost.
How It Usually Goes When
Kids Compare & Compete with Each Other
Scenario:
Sonya’s mom asks her to get off of her ipad. Immediately Sonya whines and complains that Todd always gets more screen time. Todd denies that he gets more time and the arguing begins.
Sonya: You do get more screen time! Mom always gives you more.
Mom: I do not. You and Todd get the same amount of time.
Todd: Yeah! I don’t get more…
Sonya: Last week he had extra screen time on Friday night.
Mom: That’s because you had a friend over and were playing.
Sonya: But that’s more!
Todd: Well it’s not my fault you had a friend over… And you got more time when we were at the beach last week.
Sonya: No I didn’t! I stopped when you did! You’re so dumb!
Todd (whines): Mom! Sonya called me dumb!
Mom: Sonya, stop it!
Sonya: See, you’re always taking his side… It’s so unfair.
Sonya and Todd continue to bicker and argue, but now Mom has joined in as well.
How It Could Go Instead When
Kids Compare & Compete with Each Other
Scenario:
Sonya’s mom asks her to get off of her ipad. Immediately Sonya whines and complains that Todd always gets more screen time. Todd denies that he gets more time and the arguing begins.
Mom: Todd. Sonya.
The kids continue arguing and ignore her.
Mom: You each want to heard really badly. I’ll wait until I can hear you both. (She sits down.)
CALM
Sonya and Todd’s bickering are frustrating their mom, but she knows that trying to resolve the situation while they’re both in Yuck will be exhausting and ineffective.
Instead, she focuses on staying calm herself so she doesn’t make the situation worse.
The kids continue arguing and ignore her. Mom waits. After a little while, kids stop arguing and finally notice their mom sitting there.
Mom: Sonya, you were upset that I asked you to get off of the iPad.
Sonya: Yeah, especially when you let Todd have more time than you let me have!
Todd: No she doesn’t!!
Mom: I know that this is important to each of you. I want to listen. I’ll wait. (She continues sitting, knowing her kids can’t really hear her, literally or emotionally.)
Sonya and Todd argue again, but not for as long this time.
Mom (repeats): Sonya, you were upset that I asked you to get off of the iPad.
CONNECT
Sonya’s mom knows that Sonya will continue to compare herself to Todd as long as she’s in Yuck. Instead of trying to prove everything is “fair,” or justifying her parenting descisions, she focuses on connecting with Sonya, treating her as if her feelings matter.
Sonya: Yes.
Mom: Can you tell me what you want?
Sonya: As much time as Todd has!
Mom: OK, let’s make this about YOU, not Todd. What would you want if Todd weren’t around?
Sonya: I’d want more time.
Mom: For what?
Sonya: I just wanted to finish the puzzle that I was working on.
Mom: So I interrupted you while you were working on something?
Sonya: Yes.
Mom: OK, I get why you’re upset then. Let’s find a solution because you do have to get off of the ipad.
CORRECT
Although Sonya’s mom does want her kids to know they matter, she still maintains her firm boundary. But she focuses on the underlying problem — their need to know that they matter.
She is firm while offering the kids what they need to stop the unwanted behavior.
Sonya: OK.
Mom: Remember when we used to talk about choosing your ending point BEFORE you started playing? Was that better?
Sonya: Yeah.
Mom: OK, let’s do that again.
Sonya: But what if Todd gets more time still?
Mom: Sonya, when I’m with you I’m going to focus on YOU. If you want more time on your ipad, let’s talk about that. And Todd, you focus on what you need, OK? You two are different people and will get what you each need.
Sonya: OK.
Todd: Fine.
What You Need to Make This
In-the-Moment Scenario Work
Although Sonya and Todd’s mom used Calm, Connect, Correct,
the tools she has used proactively will make all of the difference in how this situation plays out in the moment.
For her to stay CALM in the moment, she needs tools to reduce her overall Yuck and tools to handle her triggers….
Otherwise the kids’ behavior will put her into Yuck and the situation will spiral out of control.
For her to CONNECT in the moment, she needs tools to understand what’s causing her kids’ negative behavior…
Otherwise she won’t be able to motivate better, moods, and attitudes from her kids.
For her to CORRECT in the moment, the kids need to know she means what she says because she’s been consistent in the past.
She also needs to know how to give the the tools they need to succeed.
(In this case, their competition is a sign that they need deposits into their Significance account)…
Otherwise the kids won’t take her seriously and/or won’t be able to do what she wants them to do.