
What This Is Like from a Parent’s Perspective
Life as a parent is extremely busy. We have to take care of our kids, our homes, our relationships, ourselves… everything demands our attention! So when we ask our kids to do simple things and they don’t listen…
When we ask them to get ready in the morning and they choose to play instead…
When we ask them to get off of electronics and they pretend they didn’t hear us…
When tell them they can’t have something and instead of accepting it, they try to negotiate…
It’s infuriating! We know they are capable of doing the things we’ve asked. (We’ve seen them do it before.)
So when it looks like they’re choosing not to listen, it is incredibly hard not to feel exasperated, disrespected, and out of control.
What This Is Like from a Child’s Perspective
Much of children’s lives are controlled by adults. All day long they are ruled by adults’ agendas — get ready, follow the rules and do work at school, do activities, eat dinner (even if it’s something you don’t like), do this, don’t do that… Often they just want a moment to do what they want.
…So they do try to play instead of doing the “boring” thing, especially when their brains are attracted to engagement (playing) over monotony (getting dressed).
…And they try to assert some control by remaining on their electronics when we ask them to get off
…And instead of giving in when we ask them to do things, they try to get a little something for themselves…
Children may not realize that they’re ruled by their biological urges (such as the need for for stimulation, novelty, and engagement) and emotional needs (such as the need for control), but it’s certainly coming through in their behavior.
How It Usually Goes (Why We Don’t Stay Calm) When
A Child Doesn’t Listen
Scenario:
Bryan’s dad tells him to get his things together because his piano teacher is about to arrive. Bryan ignores his dad and continues playing his video game instead.
Dad (thinks): I JUST told him to get his stuff ready! And he’s playing VIDEO GAMES? I cannot believe it!
Dad (says angrily): BRYAN! I just told you to get your stuff together for your piano teacher!
Bryan: I just need another sec, Dad! I’m almost done!
Dad (thinks): He’s been playing his game for an hour. He does not NEED “another sec”! He NEEDS to listen to me when I tell him to do something.
Dad: Bryan, get off now! You’ve been playing for the past hour.
Bryan: Dad, come on. I’m almost done with this level!
Dad (thinks): He needs to learn that respecting me is more important than any level on any game.
Dad: Absolutely not! It’s time for your lesson. Now get off or no more electronics for the rest of the day!
Bryan: Come on, Dad! Why don’t you care about anything I’m doing?
Dad (thinks): He thinks I don’t care? Everything I do is for this kid! He needs to learn that the world does NOT revolve around him.
Dad: Stop acting selfish, Bryan! You need to learn to be respectful.
Bryan: Oh right, like you’re respecting me right now!
Dad (thinks): I absolutely cannot let him treat me this way.
Dad: That’s it! No electronics!
Bryan: Fine! But I’m not getting my stuff ready for piano…
Dad gets more and more angry and the situation spirals out of control.
How It Could Go (If We Want to Stay Calm) When
A Child Doesn’t Listen
Scenario:
Bryan’s dad tells him to get his things together because his piano teacher is about to arrive. Bryan ignores his dad and continues playing his video game instead.
Dad (thinks): I JUST told him to get his stuff ready! And he’s playing VIDEO GAMES? I cannot believe it!
Dad (says angrily): BRYAN! I just told you to get your stuff together for your piano teacher!
Bryan: I just need another sec, Dad! I’m almost done!
Dad (thinks): He’s been playing his game for an hour. He does not “need another sec”!… Wait, how would I feel if I’d been working on something for an hour and I was almost done and Bryan interrupted ME? … I’d be annoyed.
Dad (more calmly): I see you’re right in the middle of something.
Bryan: Yeah. Let me finish?
Dad (thinks): I can’t let him finish. But I also know the situation will get worse if I yell at him and tell him how wrong his behavior is. He’s not going to like getting off of his game, but at least I can set a boundary in a way that is respectful… and then I won’t feel awful about it later.
Dad: I’m sorry, but we don’t have time for you to finish. We have to turn it off now.
Bryan (getting angry): Dad, that’s not FAIR!
Dad (thinks): He has a right to be upset. I’d be upset too if someone told me I had to stop doing something I’d planned to finish and I had zero control about it…. But he needs to learn to stay calm when things aren’t going his way. This is a great time to model that. I’m going to stay calm even though I don’t like how he’s acting.
Bryan (yelling): I don’t want to do stupid piano! I hate piano!
Dad (thinks): I know he doesn’t hate piano. He loves it. That’s obviously his Yuck talking. I’m going to focus on staying calm rather than on what he’s saying. Yes, I’ll repeat that to myself. I’m showing him what it looks like to stay calm… I’m showing him what it looks like to stay calm…
Bryan: I’m NOT going to play today when the teacher comes.
Dad (thinks): He’s still getting out his Yuck. I can do this… I can stay calm… I can show him what it looks like to stay calm…
Bryan continues to complain for a few moment. His dad lets him. Because his dad doesn’t engage and make it worse, Bryan calms down much more quickly.
What Must Happen If You Want to Stay Calm In the Moment
If Bryan’s dad had been in Yuck himself, he would NOT have been able to change the story in his head, and things would have gone much differently.
Remember that you will only be able to stay calm when:
a.) your own biological or emotional “needs accounts” are met (otherwise you won’t have a reserve to draw from and you’ll immediately go into Yuck)
b.) you don’t have the expectation that your children will have the same priorities that you do
When you make sure your own needs are met and you set realistic expectations PROACTIVELY, you are more likely to be able to stay calm.