What This Is Like from a Parent’s Perspective

 

So often when we’re trying to do something enjoyable as a family, kids ruin it because of their incessant arguing, teasing, and comparing.

… When we buy them something and all they do is compete about whose item is “bigger” or “better”…

…When they’re in the car and all they do is whine and get in each other’s space….

…When it’s a long weekend and they keep fighting about every little thing…

It’s hard to stay calm. All we want to do is scream at them to stop fighting! 

 

What This Is Like from a Child’s Perspective

 

All kids want to feel like they matter — like what they WANT matters. But when siblings are around, they are constantly asked to share and compromise and sacrifice what they want. And they become resentful. But

…they want to know they matter, so they argue if they feel like they’re not getting as much as their sibling

…they get bored in the car, so they bother their sibling without caring about how annoying they’re being

…they get sick of having to compromise and just want to be able to get their way

They often wish they had more attention and respect for their perspective. Instead, they constantly have to deal with a sibling who never goes away.

 

How It Usually Goes (Why We Don’t Stay Calm) When

Kids Are Fighting

 

Scenario: Charlie, his sister Taylor, and their mom are snuggling on the couch. Everything is going well for a moment, but then Charlie starts complaining that Taylor is taking up too much room. Taylor starts whining and pushing Charlie. 

 

Mom (thinks): Oh my goodness! I’m trying to give the kids a little extra time and attention, and all they can do is fight! 

Mom (says angrily): Charlie! Taylor! STOP IT! 

Charlie: But I was on this side of you and Taylor’s leg came over to my side!

Taylor: It did NOT! My leg was falling asleep so I had to move it!

Charlie: You didn’t have to move it to MY side!

Taylor: That’s not YOUR side! She’s my mom too!

Mom (thinks): I cannot believe they are arguing over this. I just want things to be calm! 

Mom (snaps): You two need to stop it right now, or there won’t be any of this for either of you! 

Taylor: Way to go, Charlie!

Charlie: What are you talking about?! You’re the one who put your leg out.

Taylor: You didn’t have to freak out…

Mom (thinks): See, this is why I never want to spend time with them. It always turns out like this. There’s nothing enjoyable about it. 

Mom: Fine. I guess we can’t have time together like this. You two CLEARLY cannot handle it.

Charlie: But it’s not my fault! Can’t you stay with just me?

Taylor: Well it’s not MY fault either! That wouldn’t be fair!

Mom gets up and walks away, feeling defeated and sad.

 

How It Could Go (If We Want to Stay Calm) When

Kids Are Fighting 

 

Scenario: Charlie, his sister Taylor, and their mom are snuggling on the couch. Everything is going well for a moment, but then Charlie starts complaining that Taylor is taking up too much room. Taylor starts whining and pushing Charlie. 

 

Mom (thinks): Oh my goodness! I’m trying to give the kids a little extra time and attention, and all they can do is fight! 

Mom (says angrily): Charlie! Taylor! STOP IT! 

Charlie: But I was on this side of you and Taylor’s leg came over to my side!

Taylor: It did NOT! My leg was falling asleep so I had to move it!

Mom (thinks): OK. My yelling is only making things worse. Now they’re fighting over whose FAULT it was. I’m the parent. I need to demonstrate maturity here. 

Mom (more calmly): Charlie, you want to make sure you get enough room. Taylor, you want to be able to move your leg. 

Charlie: Yeah, I want her away!

Mom (thinks): OK, I validated his feelings. Why is he still upset? (Mom starts to get angry but then reminds herself that she needs to remain in control or no one will.) He must be feeling bad about something. I’m not going to make him feel worse. I’m just going to keep making him feel safe. 

Mom: I think all kids feel that way about siblings sometimes. So Charlie… you want a little more room? Do you think we need to take turns instead of all cuddling together?

Taylor: I want to go first!

Mom (thinks): She’s still competing. But I can handle this. If I want them to stay calm, I need to stay calm. 

Mom: I think we all need to take a break and come back in a few minutes when we can think of a solution. Because Charlie, your feelings matter. And Taylor, your feelings matter. We need a solution that works for everyone.

Taylor (huffs): Fine.

Charlie (grumbles): OK.

Mom (thinks): Maybe they’re not happy, but I think I handled that well. My job isn’t to make them happy. It’s to respect everyone’s feelings. I think I did a good job of that… and not losing my cool and making things worse. 

 

 

If Charlie and Taylor’s mom had been in Yuck himself, she would NOT have been able to change the story in his head, and things would have gone much differently. 

 

Remember that you will only be able to stay calm when:

a.) your own biological or emotional “needs accounts” are met (otherwise you won’t have a reserve to draw from and you’ll immediately go into Yuck)

b.) you set your expectations realistically and recognize that your kids will not always have the same priorities that you do 

 

When you make sure your own needs are met and you set realistic expectations PROACTIVELY, you are more likely to be able to stay calm.