What This Is Like from a Parent’s Perspective
You what your child to have a happy, successful future. You want them to feel good about themselves, and you want them to be able to handle life’s inevitable obstacles.
So when you see signs of low self-esteem or lack of resilience…
…It’s easy to yell at them when they melt down when things don’t go their way
…It’s easy to become anxious when they say negative things about themselves
…It’s easy to become frustrated and annoyed when they refuse to do anything challenging or uncomfortable
You know you need to support them, but after a while it just seems like too much of a challenge. You want to do what’s best for them, but you aren’t sure how.
What This Is Like from a Child’s Perspective
Kids struggle all day long. People are telling them what to do (and what not to do)….There are things that they want to do but don’t know how…. It seems that adults don’t always care about their point of view…. And things go from bad to worse when they melt down.
Adults yell at them when they get upset because things aren’t going their way.
When they feel bad about themselves, adults only insist that their feelings are wrong.
When they face something uncomfortable and don’t have the energy to handle it maturely, adults get frustrated and annoyed with them.
So then kids start to believe that that they can’t handle their feelings. And they try to avoid struggle and discomfort as much as possible. They don’t know how to be resilient.
How It Usually Goes When
A Child Is Struggling
Scenario: Amy is trying to wrap a friend’s birthday present. She’s having trouble doing it herself, and she keeps whining every time something goes wrong. Her dad hears her and comes over.
Dad (thinks): That whining is so annoying! I have to make her STOP!
Dad: Amy! STOP whining!
Amy: But I can’t DO this!
Dad (thinks): If she can’t do it, I’ll just take over. Then she’ll be quiet and the present will get wrapped.
Dad: Here, let me do it!
Amy (whines louder): No! I want to!
Dad (thinks): She just told me she can’t do it. She’s not making sense!
Dad: You just said you DIDN’T want to.
Amy (getting more frustrated): I do!
Dad (thinks): I can’t let her do this if all she’s going to do is whine.
Dad: Fine Amy, but the whining has to STOP.
Amy: Dad! I can’t help it!
Dad (thinks): Of course she can help it. It’s her choice.
Dad: Then no more present. I’m taking it.
Dad takes the present and Amy starts yelling and crying. Dad wants it to stop but doesn’t know how. He just gets more angry.
How It Could Go When
A Child Is Struggling
Scenario: Amy is trying to wrap a friend’s birthday present. She’s having trouble doing it herself, and she keeps whining every time something goes wrong. Her dad hears her and comes over.
Dad (thinks): That whining is so annoying! I have to make her STOP! (Pauses.) OK, I have to calm down. If I go in yelling at her, her whining will only get worse.
Dad (calmly): Amy, what’s going on?
Amy (whining): I can’t wrap this stupid present!
Dad (thinks): She’s frustrated. If I get frustrated for her for BEING frustrated, I’m doing the same thing that she’s doing! AND it won’t work. I need to help her see that she is safe and understood… That’s the only way to get her out of Yuck so she’ll stop whining.
Dad: Doing that tape part is tough.
Amy (whines): YEAH!
Dad (thinks): OK, she’s still annoyed. And it’s annoying me. But I have to show her what it looks like to be frustrated and still stay calm.
Dad: Amy, I’m annoyed now too. I’m just going to sit here for a few minutes till I calm down.
Amy (whining): I’M not annoyed.
Dad (thinks): Clearly she’s being irrational. I could get upset, but that will get us nowhere. I’m just not going to engage. I’ll show her that I can handle her emotions so that she can learn to do the same.
Amy (starts to wrap the present again).
Dad (puts his hand gently over hers and says): I think you need to take a break too.
Amy (even more upset): No I don’t!
Dad (thinks): She’s getting more upset. That’s OK. She’s allowed to be upset. I want her to get those big feelings out so she can get out of Yuck and stop whining.
Amy (frustrated): I want to wrap! Let me wrap!
Dad (thinks): I will stand firm. I am the adult here. I’ll show her that I can handle her feelings. After all, if I can’t handle her feelings, how can I expect her to?
Dad: Not yet, Amy.
Amy eventually stops trying. She begins to slow down, and eventually sits on the chair.
Dad (thinks): She seems calm. NOW I can talk to her rationally. Or if not, I just need to wait a little longer. I’ll ask her a question and her response will tell me if she’s till in Yuck.
Dad: Amy, can I show you a trick about wrapping presents?
Amy (in a calmer voice): I guess so.
Dad (thinks): OK, she seems to be able to handle things now.
Dad: OK, if you put this finger here…
Dad shows Amy the trick and lets her wrap the present. She also learns that when she’s uncomfortable, the feelings will go away — especially when people around her are supporting her through them.
Remember that you will only be able to stay calm in the moment when
a.) your own biological or emotional “needs accounts” are met (otherwise you won’t have a reserve to draw from and you’ll immediately go into Yuck)
b.) you recognize and respect that your children have different priorities than you do.
When you make sure your own needs are met and you set realistic expectations PROACTIVELY, you are more likely to be able to stay calm.