What This Is Like from Your Perspective

You have a LOT on your plate.  And you don’t ask your kids to do that much! You just need them to do things like brush their teeth, get their shoes on, and get off of their devices when it’s time for to do something else. So when you ask them to do something and they don’t listen…

...You feel angry. Can’t they just do something simple when they’re supposed to do it? (They know they have to get these things done, after all. It’s not a surprise!)

...You feel resentful. You do so much for them, and they can’t even do these small things?

…You feel exhausted. You already have so much to do… and when they don’t do what you ask, it slows you down and creates even MORE stress.

So you lose your cool after you have to ask your child over and over to do the same thing…

What This Is Like from Your Child’s Perspective 

Your child doesn’t care about brushing their teeth, getting their shoes on, and getting off of their device. Sometimes they can find the energy to motivate themselves to do these things anyway, but often they won’t because…

…They are wired to seek things that are engaging and novel. So they may start to do the thing they’re supposed to do but get distracted by something else (more engaging) that they see around them

…They are tired of you telling them what to do and want to have some sense of control over their lives. So they use this as an opportunity to assert control.

…They’re not paying attention to what you’re asking and are still engaged with what they were doing

These behaviors are all natural for them, yet they find themselves getting reprimanded over and over for things they can’t necessarily control.

 

 

How It Usually Goes (In Your Head)

When Your Child Doesn’t Listen (That Prevents You From Staying Calm)

 

Scenario: It’s time for school, and Joy’s mom is trying to get Joy and her brother Kyle out the door. Joy’s mom asks her to stop reading and finish breakfast so they can make it to the bus on time. Joy continues to read instead of listening to her mom. 

 

Mom (thinks): I CANNOT believe she is still reading! I just ASKED HER TO STOP.
Mom (to Joy): JOY!! I said stop reading.

Joy (looks up): Mom, I am!

Mom (thinks): No she’s not… She’s still reading. She’s not even telling me the truth!
Mom (yelling at Joy): You are not stopping. You need to finish your breakfast. You’re going to be LATE!

Joy (getting upset): Mom, stop yelling at me!

Mom (thinks): I wouldn’t have to yell if she’d just do what she’s supposed to do!
Mom (to Joy, still angrily): Joy, I just need you to finish your breakfast.

Joy: I hate it when you rush me!

Mom (thinks): I only rush her because she ends up taking so long in the morning.
Mom (to Joy): Joy, if you did what you were supposed to do, I wouldn’t HAVE TO rush you.

Joy: I can’t go as fast as you want me to! And you’re always trying to hurry me up! It ruins my mornings! 

Mom (thinks): Oh, and she thinks I LIKE doing this? It ruins my mornings too!
Mom (to Joy): I don’t have much fun with this either Joy. I don’t decide when the bus comes…You just have to get ready and that’s all there is to it! 

Joy: See, you don’t even care about me now! (Upset, she stops eating completely.)

Mom (thinks): Oh my goodness! I do not have TIME for this DRAMA…

Mom and Joy continue to argue, and they both end the morning upset. 

 

How It Could Go (In Your Head)

When Your Child Doesn’t Listen (To Help You Stay Calm)

 

Scenario: It’s time for school, and Joy’s mom is trying to get Joy and her brother Kyle out the door. Joy’s mom asks her to stop reading and finish breakfast so they can make it to the bus on time. Joy continues to read instead of listening to her mom. 

 

Mom (thinks): I CANNOT believe she is still reading! I just ASKED HER TO STOP. (Pauses.) OK. I just asked her to stop and she’s not stopping. There must be a reason, and getting upset with her won’t fix that reason. 
Mom (to Joy): Joy? Did you hear me?

Joy (doesn’t look up).

Mom (thinks): She didn’t look up. I do NOT like that. But if I focus on her being “rude,” this is going to go downhill quickly. Then I’ll get upset, she’ll get upset, and it WON’T speed her up at all. I need to to be firm… but also give her the benefit of the doubt.
Mom (walks over to Joy and puts her arm on her shoulder): I can see that you’re really interested in what you’re reading, Joy. (Makes her tone lighthearted.) Did that book pull you in so you forgot that it’s breakfast time?

Joy (rolls her eyes).

Mom (thinks): I’m staying calm but she’s still reading. I think I need to be a little firmer. But I can do that while staying in control of my emotions. 
Mom (to Joy, firmer but still not angrily): Kiddo, you need to stop reading now. We have to go to school and we’re already running late.

Joy (putting the book down): Ugh, I was in the middle of a good part. And you’re always rushing me!

Mom (thinks): That’s not true. But she did put the book down. And I know that transitioning from her book isn’t easy for her. So I’m not going to take that last statement personally.
Mom (to Joy): What were you reading about? Can you tell me while you’re eating?

Joy (starts to eat). Yeah… so the main character Jocelyn…

Joy tells the story, which gives her something to do as she continues to get eat and get ready. Her mom knows that there’s no way this would have happened if she’d lost her cool or rushed her to get ready.

 

 

What YOU NEED (Proactively)

For This To Work Better In the Moment

Proactive actions will make all of the difference in whether you are able to stay calm in the moment.

You will only be able to stay CALM if:

a.) your biological or emotional “needs accounts” are met (otherwise you won’t have a reserve to draw from and you’ll immediately go into Yuck) and

a.) you recognize and respect that your kids have have a different perspective and agenda than you do, and that their perspective and agenda matter to them.

When you make sure your own needs are met and you set realistic expectations PROACTIVELY, you are more likely to be able to stay calm.