What This Is Like from Your Perspective
As a parent, there is so much that is out of our control, and so much to worry about. So when our children say things that concern us….
When they tell us they don’t like themselves…
When they say that they’ve done something bad…
When they seem to not be able to handle the things that they face…
…We feel scared, and often helpless. And our (natural) emotional reactions sometimes make the situation worse.
What This Is Like from Your Child’s Perspective
Children don’t always know how to deal with their big feelings. And they don’t always feel good about themselves.
So when they do talk to us about the hard stuff and we get lost in our own emotions (fear, anger, frustration)…
They feel scared…
They feel alone…
They believe that if we can’t handle what they’re telling us, they’ll certainly never be able to
They want us to be calm, confident and strong — all of the things that they don’t feel. And they don’t understand that getting to that place is very difficult for us.
How It Usually Goes (In Your Head)
When Your Child Says Something That Worries You
(That Prevents You From Staying Calm)
Scenario: Arya and her mom are talking about Arya’s day. Arya tells her mom that some friends have been mean to her and that she hates being at school.
Mom (thinks): Ugh. That is so hard to hear. I can’t even imagine how difficult it is to be at school when kids are mean to you all day. Poor Arya!
Mom (to Arya): Oh no!
Arya: Yeah. I don’t want to go to school.
Mom (thinks): I don’t blame her for not wanting to go. But she HAS to go, and I do NOT want to deal with her resisting school every day. We have to fix this.
Mom: Arya, that’s NOT an option. We just need a solution.
Arya: There isn’t one. I tried everything already.
Mom (thinks): Hmm…I’ve read about mean girls. I know they prey on those who aren’t confident. I’ll make this a teaching moment.
Mom: You need to stand up to them.
Arya: I HAVE, Mom. They are still mean.
Mom (thinks): Fine. Then I need to solve this.
Mom: Well then I need to talk to the teacher!
Arya: NO! Mom!
Mom (thinks): She may be embarrassed now, but it’s for the best. I need to call the teacher to protect her.
Mom: Arya, I need to.
Arya doesn’t say anything.
Mom (thinks): Oh great. Now she won’t talk!
Mom: Arya… I need to call the teacher. It’s for your own good.
Arya doesn’t say anything.
Mom (thinks): What should I do? Maybe I need to be tougher.
Mom: Arya… You can’t just shut down. We need to face this. Life is full of hard things.
Arya doesn’t say anything.
Mom (thinks): She’s not even listening anymore!!!!
Mom (clearly frustrated): AR-Y-A!
Arya turns away from her mom. Her mom knows she’s not getting anywhere and that nothing has been solved. She’s frustrated with Arya’s response and then feels guilty for feeling frustrated.
How It Could Go (In Your Head)
When Your Child Says Something That Worries You
(To Help You Stay Calm)
Scenario: Arya and her mom are talking about Arya’s day. Arya tells her mom that some friends have been mean to her and that she hates being at school.
Mom (thinks): That is really hard to hear. This may be a tough conversation. I can handle it though.
Mom (to Arya): I’m sorry to hear that, hun.
Arya: Yeah. I don’t want to go to school.
Mom (thinks): She must be really upset if she’s saying that. It’s also likely that she’s just really in Yuck right now. I know how to help her through that: Just be there for her without getting sucked in.
Mom (calmly): Why do you say that?
Arya: It’s really lonely at the lunch table. Everyone’s talking to other people and I’m not talking to ANYONE. And every once in a while one of the girls will look over at me and give me a nasty look… or say something.
Mom (thinks): Oh, I wish I could make her feel better! And I know what will TRULY make her feel better is someone who listens to how she’s feeling and can still stay calm and strong right now.
Mom: That sounds really hard. I’m glad you’re telling me. You don’t have to be alone with this.
Arya doesn’t say anything.
Mom (thinks): I’m going to let her sit quietly for a minute. She’s going to be OK. And I am too.
Mom lets Arya sit without diving in to fix things.
Arya: School stinks.
Mom (thinks): I’m just going to let her vent. I can stay calm while she does that.
Mom: Yeah, kiddo, I think sometimes it does.
Arya doesn’t say anything.
Mom (thinks): I can see if she’s ready to get to solutions yet.
Mom: Do you want to figure out what to do about this?
Arya: Not right now.
Mom (thinks): Ohhh, I wish we could get to the solutions! But I’m going to give her what she needs. If she’s not ready, then she wouldn’t have come up with solutions anyway. I’m going to call this a win. I stayed strong and calm, and that’s all I can do. I know she’s more likely to come to me again because I didn’t freak out.
Mom doesn’t say anything but gives Arya a squeeze. Arya smiles weakly.
What YOU NEED (Proactively)
For This To Work Better In the Moment
Proactive actions will make so much difference in whether you are able to stay calm in the moment.
You will only be able to stay calm if:
a.) your biological or emotional “needs accounts” are met (otherwise you won’t have a reserve to draw from and you’ll immediately go into Yuck) and
a.) you recognize that parenting is often uncomfortable and that you CAN handle it
When you make sure your own needs are met and you set realistic expectations PROACTIVELY, you are more likely to be able to stay calm.