What This Is Like from Your Perspective

It’s hard enough to stay calm when one child is being difficult, but when kids are bickering with each other (or their cousins or friends or any other kids), it can drive you insane. When they are

…competing over who got more of something or 

…whining about what someone else is doing or

…being downright mean to each other…

you will do anything to get them to stop! But when you try to figure out who did what so you can solve the problem, everything just gets worse… which makes you feel even more helpless. And then you lose your cool.

 

What This Is Like from Your Child’s Perspective

Children don’t have the interpersonal skills that adults do.

They don’t know how to resolve conflicts or stand up for themselves in a respectful way. (In fact, they get in trouble if they even try to stand up for themselves to adults!) Often they do resort to

…focusing on what another child has that they don’t

…complaining about what their another child is doing to them

…being mean to other children

…because they genuinely don’t know how to do anything else. And then they get yelled at because (they feel) they’re trying to stand up for or defend themselves... which  only makes them more upset.

 

How It Usually Goes (In Your Head)

When Kids Are Arguing

(That Prevents You From Staying Calm)

Scenario: Chloe’s cousin Simon has been staying at Chloe’s house for a few days. Chloe’s mom is giving Chloe and Simon ice cream, but as she dishes out the dessert, the two children start to argue over who has more. 

Mom (thinks): Why are they FIGHTING over ice cream?!
Mom: Chloe! Simon! Stop arguing! There’s enough ice cream for everyone. 

Chloe (whining): But you always give him more! It’s not fair!

Simon (angrily): She does NOT!

Chloe: Yesterday you gave him more chips…

Simon: You got as many as I did!

Mom (thinks): Oh my goodness. They’re being so petty. And Chloe knows better! 
Mom: Chloe! You know there’s plenty here. You don’t have to fight over anything.

Chloe: Mom, you always care more about HIM. Just Just because he doesn’t live here. 

Simon: Chloe, stop being such a baby!

Mom (thinks): This is going downhill, fast. Why is Chloe being such a brat? I’m not sure what to do to stop it! 
Mom: Chloe… you go to your room.

Chloe: Why ME? He just called me a baby!

Mom (thinks): Simon called Chloe a baby, but I can’t punish him. He’s not my child! And the only way to stop this is to separate them. 
Mom: I don’t care! Just GO!

Chloe: This is SO UNFAIR! (She mutters under her breath and stomps off.)

Mom (thinks): Well maybe I can at least talk to Simon and make things better.
Mom: Simon…
​
Simon turns away and walks to the other room. 

Chloe’s mom beats herself up for handling the situation awfully, but she doesn’t know what she could have done differently. 

 

How It Usually Goes (In Your Head)

When Kids Are Arguing

(That Prevents You From Staying Calm)

 

Scenario: Chloe’s cousin Simon has been staying at Chloe’s house for a few days. Chloe’s mom is giving Chloe and Simon ice cream, but as she dishes out the dessert, the two children start to argue over who has more. 

 

Mom (thinks): Why are they FIGHTING over ice cream?! (Pauses.) Wait, they have been fighting a lot more in the past two days. Maybe there is something going on. If they’re in Yuck, I’m going to try to connect. 
Mom: Chloe, Simon… You both REALLY want ice cream. 

Chloe: Yes! I do. So give me more.

Simon (yells): YES!
​
Mom (thinks): Why are they being so rude?! They’re not usually like this. (Pauses.) If I yell at them for getting upset about the ice cream, that’s certainly not going to make things better. Instead, I’m going to try to figure out what’s going on. 
Mom: OK. I’m going to give you some. But first, let me ask you this… Have you had fun together these past few days?

Chloe (mumbles): Not really.

Simon: NO.

Mom (thinks): I cannot STAND that they’re being so negative!!  Clearly I need to focus on calming myself down instead of on what they’re saying. (She repeats a mantra in her head: I need to stay calm or things will get worse… I need to stay calm or things will get worse…)
Mom: I’m sorry to hear that. Should we have you two do different things for the rest of the day?

Chloe (screams): YES!!

Simon: NO!

Mom (thinks): OK, clearly they are both being irrational. I know what that means… It’s a sign that they’re in Yuck. I can see what’s going on… and I CAN handle it. I won’t let their behavior control mine. I’m not going to say anything until I can control myself and not make thing worse. 
Mom begins to dish out ice cream again but doesn’t say anything yet. 

Chloe: Mom! I wanted more ice cream!

Simon: Chloe!

Mom (thinks): I can do this. I can act like an adult and help them through their Yuck and find some solutions. 
Mom turns to the kids calmly and begins to help them work through the situation.

By focusing on keeping herself calm and reminding herself that she could handle the situation, Chloe’s mom feels way more in control than if she had tried to change the kids’ behavior… which would only have made her feel frustrated and helpless.

 

 

 

What YOU NEED (Proactively)

For This To Work Better In the Moment

Proactive actions will make so much difference in whether you are able to stay calm in the moment.

You will only be able to stay CALM if:

a.) your biological or emotional “needs accounts” are met (otherwise you won’t have a reserve to draw from and you’ll immediately go into Yuck) and

a.) you recognize and respect that your kids have have a different perspective and agenda than you do, and that their perspective and agenda matter to them.

When you make sure your own needs are met and you set realistic expectations PROACTIVELY, you are more likely to be able to stay calm.