What This Is Like from a Parent’s Perspective

 

When our kids are not listening… or they’re melting down at the slightest thing… or they’re being disrespectful to us (or their siblings or friends), we want to make them STOP. So we do everything in our power to try to make that happen.

We threaten to take away electronics…

We tell them they can’t to go their friend’s house later in the day…

We may even warn them that we will turn the car around and go home when we’re on the way to a family vacation.

But often these are threats that we can’t follow through with. And even if we do, they punish us as much as they punish our kids. So we either seem inconsistent or we pay the price ourselves.

 

What This Is Like from a Child’s Perspective

 

When kids are misbehaving, it’s often because they’re in Yuck. Most of the time that Yuck is caused by feeling out of control  — perhaps because they’re told they can’t have or do something. So when we

…threaten to take away electronics…

…tell them they can’t to go their friend’s house later in the day…

..warn them that we will turn the car around and go home when we’re on the way to a family vacation,

They only feel more out of control. Their behavior doesn’t improve because they are still in Yuck and need help with the YUCK more than they need things taken away from them.

 

 

How It Usually Goes When

We Are Upset With Our Kids’ Behavior

 

Scenario: Darya and her mom are working on a puzzle together. Darya’s mom tells her they have 5 more minutes before they have to clean up. Darya starts screaming at her mom about how she never makes enough time for her.

 

Mom: What are you talking about? I just did this puzzle with you for the last 30 minutes!

Darya: That doesn’t count!

Mom: Why not?!

Darya: Because you always tell me things have to end… Even before we’re done!  I hate that you DO that! It’s SO mean! You’re so  mean!

Mom: Darya, things do have to end. And don’t speak to me like that!

Darya: You don’t care what I want! You only care what you want!

Mom: Darya, calm down and stop speaking to me like that!

Darya: But you tell me to tell you how I’m feeling! I’m feeling like you’re the worst mom!

Mom: Darya, I’m warning you…

Darya: Whatever! I don’t care!

Mom: Fine, Darya. I’m not doing puzzles with you again if you can’t handle it when the time has to end!

Darya: You’d like that. You just don’t want to play with me! (She knocks the puzzle off of the table. The puzzle and other items fall to the ground. Darya starts yelling more and crying.)

Mom: That’s it. You’re in an awful mood. Now you’re not going to Sophia’s party later because you clearly can’t  handle things today!

Mom (thinks): Ugh, why did I say that? Now she’ll be home and miserable all day….

 

How to Stop Making Threats In the Moment

(So You Can Be More Consistent)

 

Scenario: Darya and her mom are working on a puzzle together. Darya’s mom tells her they have 5 more minutes before they have to clean up. Darya starts screaming at her mom about how she never makes enough time for her.

 

Mom: What are you talking about? I just did this puzzle with you for the last 30 minutes!

Darya: That doesn’t count!

Mom (thinks): Are you serious? I hate playing games. I only do it so I can spend time with her. And she’s saying it doesn’t count?!

Mom: Why not?!

Darya: Because you always tell me things have to end… Even before we’re done!  I hate that you DO that! It’s SO mean! You’re so  mean!

Mom (thinks): I’m so mean?! I just played with her for 30 minutes! She doesn’t even know what ‘mean’ is! Forget this! I just won’t ever do puzzles with her anymore!.…Wait… Do I really mean that? Would I really never do puzzles with her again? …OK. Let’s think. Why is she being mean to me? And should I really respond by being mean back? 

Mom: Darya, are you upset that we have to stop doing the puzzle?

Darya: No! I don’t like doing it with you!

Mom (thinks): Well if she doesn’t like doing it with me, I’m going to tell her that I won’t ever do it with her again!!… Ugh, I’m just getting upset because she’s talking to me like that. I need to show her what it looks like to stay calm even when things aren’t going the way you want them to. And then we will work on her finding better ways to get out her Yuck so she doesn’t automatically become rude when she’s disappointed. 

Mom: OK. Well I’m sad that we have to stop doing the puzzle.

Darya: You are not!

Mom (thinks): She is being so tough! But all I can control in this moment is how I handle this. I cannot control her. And being against her will only make it worse. 

Mom: I am. I’d like to do this with you again.

Darya: Really?

Mom (thinks): Ah, showing her I care is going much better than if I’d threatened to stop playing with her. Glad I stuck it out. 

Mom: Yup. Should we play next Saturday?

Darya: Yeah!

Mom (thinks): OK, she’s doing a little better. I don’t want her to think it’s OK to talk to me like that… but I can tell her that without threatening to take away things. AND she cares more about upsetting me when she’s not in Yuck. 

Mom: Darya, it hurt my feelings how you were talking to me. Tonight we’re going to talk about better ways to talk when you’re upset.

Darya (sighs): Fine.

 

 

What Needs to Happen To Make This Work 

 

You will only be able to connect with your child (and reduce their Yuck / influence better behavior) when: 

~you respect that ALL behavior has a reason and

~you understand those reasons (in a case like this, kids often overreact when they feel out of control)

When you become comfortable with the reasons behind behavior PROACTIVELY, you will be able to connect more effectively.