What This Is Like from a Parent’s Perspective

 

Dad: I get so furious with my kids when I walk into the kitchen and I see they’ve left all of their breakfast plates on the table…especially when they KNOW they’re supposed to put them away.

And on weekends, they have no excuse. It’s not like they have to rush to school! So when I see them playing video games when their plates are still sitting on the table… Sometimes I tell them that they can’t do anything with their friends for the rest of the weekend!

But later I realize that that those “consequences”  punish me as much as they punish them…so I rarely follow through. And then I think they learn that they don’t have to do what I ask. 

 

What This Is Like From a Child’s Perspective

 

Carrie: Dad HAS has told us a million times to put our plates away after breakfast. The truth is, when I finish breakfast — especially on weekends — I’m excited about it being a weekend and I’m thinking about what game I can play,  not putting away my dishes. I know it’s not a good reason.

But do you know what happens? My dad gets mad (which does stink), but then he says he’s going to take away something… and he always changes his mind. I’m glad about that. 

 

 

How It Usually Goes

When Kids Don’t Do What We Ask

 

Scenario: Carrie is playing video games in the family room when her dad walks into the kitchen. He immediately sees Carrie’s breakfast dishes on the table, even though he’s told her many, many times before not to start playing games until she puts those dishes away.

 

Dad: CARRIE! Get in here!

Carrie (from the other room): What?!

Dad: Come here! Now!

Carrie: I AM! (She comes into the kitchen.)

Dad: What do you see on the table?

Carrie: Dishes.

Dad: Why are they still there while you’re playing games?

Carrie (doesn’t say anything).

Dad: Carrie?!

Carrie (mumbles): I don’t know.

Dad: That is not good enough! I’m sick of this!

Carrie (quietly): I forgot.

Dad: Forgetting is not an excuse! Guess what? I’m going to conveniently ‘forget’ to do anything for you this weekend. Anytime you ask me to do ANYTHING, I’m going to ‘forget.’

Carrie (doesn’t say anything. She walks out of the room).

Dad feels bad a few moments later and knows he can’t follow through with his consequence. At the moment he said it,  he was just so livid… and he didn’t know how else to get through to Carrie.

 

How It Could Go

When Kids Don’t Do What We Ask

 

Scenario: Carrie is playing video games in the family room when her dad walks into the kitchen. He immediately sees Carrie’s breakfast dishes on the table, even though he’s told her many, many times before not to start playing games until she puts those dishes away.

 

Dad: CARRIE! Get in here!

Carrie (from the other room): What?!

Dad: Come here! Now!

Carrie: I AM! (She comes into the kitchen.)

Dad: What do you see on the table?

Carrie: Dishes.

Dad: Why are they still there while you’re playing games?

Carrie (doesn’t say anything).

Dad: Carrie?!

Carrie (mumbles): I don’t know.

Dad: I’m sorry, Carrie, but “I don’t know” isn’t good enough. (He realizes that her “I don’t know” makes his blood boil. He knows he’s told her so many times before to clear her dishes. But he reminds himself that he is an adult and can handle the situation.)

 

[expand title=”CALM”]

Carrie’s dad is livid that she didn’t listen to him AGAIN.

He also knows that if he expects Carrie to be able to act responsibly even when she’s mad, he needs to do the same thing. [/expand]

 

Carrie (doesn’t say anything).

Dad: Look, I know there’s a reason you did this, but I’m really angry. I really to walk away for a few minutes until I can calm down. I’ll be back in a few minutes and we’re going to talk about this more.

 

[expand title=”CONNECT”]

Carrie’s dad wants to remind her that an “I don’t know” response is unacceptable.

He also knows that treating Carrie disrespectfully is not going to improve the situation. [/expand]

 

[expand title=”CORRECT”]

Carrie’s dad would love to berate her for her behavior.

But he knows that if he addresses the situation when he’s so angry, not only will he regret what he says, but he will also likely not be able to follow through with his threats.

He also knows that his anger shuts Carrie down rather than teaching her a lesson. If he wants Carrie to improve her behavior, he knows he will need to talk to her after he calms down.

[/expand]

 

Carrie: Fine. (Since she isn’t spending energy defending herself from her dad’s wrath — and she is a little grateful that he didn’t lose it on her — she is able to reflect on what she’d wrong in this situation. From past experience, she knows her dad really will come back and talk to her about the situation, and she tries to think about how she can do better next time.)

 

 

 

How to Make In-the-Moment Parenting Work

 

Though Carrie’s dad used Calm, Connect, Correct, the “proactive deposits” discussed in the Parenting by Deposit Roadmap will make all of the difference in how this situation plays out in the moment.

If you want to prevent yourself from making threats when you’re in Yuck (so your kids listen to you more), remember: 

 

[expand title=”Depositing into CALM”]

You will not be able to stay calm if

a.) your own biological or emotional “needs accounts” are low (if you feel like no one respects YOU)

b.) you have the expectation that your children always do what you ask the first time you ask them

When you make sure your own needs are met and you set realistic expectations PROACTIVELY, you are more likely to be able to stay calm.

See Step 1 of the Parenting by Deposit Roadmap for help meeting your needs and setting expectations proactively so you can stay calm. [/expand]

 

[expand title=”Depositing into CONNECT”]

You will be able to connect if

a.) you respect that ALL behavior has a reason and

b.) you understand those reasons (in a case like this, when you make threats and consequences when you’re in Yuck, you’re less likely to motivate respect and cooperation).

When you become comfortable with the reasons behind behavior PROACTIVELY, you will be able to connect more effectively.

See Step 2 of the Parenting by Deposit Roadmap to learn the reasons for children’s behavior so you can connect more effectively. [/expand]

 

[expand title=”Depositing into CORRECT”]

You will be able to correct behavior by offering a tool if

a.) You have demonstrated consistently in the past that you really will follow through with a conversation about their behavior once you’re out of Yuck

b.) You have made enough deposits into your kids’ emotional needs that setting a boundary doesn’t put them immediately into Yuck.

When you demonstrate that you mean what you say and when you make deposits into your kids’ emotional needs PROACTIVELY, you  will be able to correct behavior more effectively.

See Step 3 of the Parenting by Deposit Roadmap  to learn more about improving your influence so you can correct behavior. [/expand]