What This Is Like from a Parent’s Perspective

 

Mom: I cannot stand taking my kids on car rides lately… even if it’s only for 20 minutes! My older son, Drake, is constantly annoying his little brother. He just can’t seem to leave him alone!

So I tell him to stop, but he doesn’t listen to me. And then I threaten to take things away from him, but he just gets mad.. And then 5 minutes later he’s annoying his brother again.

 

What This Is Like From a Child’s Perspective

 

Drake: I hate being in the car. There is nothing to do… I try looking out the window, and I try looking at things in the car, but I’ve seen all those things before and it gets boring!

And I can’t sit still and do nothing. I try but I just can’t. So my brother is right there and sometimes I just can’t help it, I bother him. I know I shouldn’t, but that is so much better than sitting there and doing nothing.

Sometimes I just can’t help myself, and then I get in trouble for it. What is wrong with me?

 

 

How It Usually Goes

When Kids Don’t Do What We Want Them To

 

Scenario: Drake and his mom and little brother are in the car. Drake is quiet for a few minutes, but then he starts making noises and annoying his little brother. His mom asks him to stop but he doesn’t.

 

Mom: Drake! Stop bothering your brother!

Drake: I’m not bothering him!

Mom: Yes you are. I see you.

Drake: But he was just really mean to me too!

Mom: Drake, you started annoying him first. He was doing something when you started making those noises. He asked you to stop. And now I am too.

Drake: Why are you always mad at ME?

Mom: I wouldn’t be if you’d leave your brother alone!

Drake: You’re so mean!

Mom: I may be mean, but you still  need to stop.

Drake starts kicking the seat in front of him.

Mom: Drake! Stop it! I mean it!

Drake starts yelling, and his mom feels out of options.

 

How It Could Go

When Kids Don’t Do What We Want Them To

 

Scenario: Drake and his mom and little brother are in the car. Drake is quiet for a few minutes, but then he starts making noises and annoying his little brother. His mom asks him to stop but he doesn’t.

 

Mom: Drake! Stop bothering your brother!

Drake: I’m not bothering him!

Mom (wants to argue but pauses instead). Drake. I bet there’s a reason you’re making those noises.

[expand title=”CALM”]

Drake’s mom wants Drake to stop bothering his brother. She also realizes that getting into a power struggle will not motivate that behavior.

She reminds herself that she is an adult and can handle the situation. [/expand]

 

Drake: I’m not making noises.

[expand title=”CONNECT”]

 

Mom: Hmmm, I wonder if you could tell me a joke right now.

Drake: Huh?

Mom: Do you know any jokes?

Drake: Umm, no.

Mom: Do you think you could make one up?

[expand title=”CORRECT”]

Drake’s mom wants Drake to stop bothering his brother, and she knows that he is bothering his brother because it gives him something to do.

Instead of punishing him, she teaches him how to engage his brain. In this way, she offers an option that will make him successful. [/expand]

 

Drake: I guess. Let me think for a sec…

Drake is busy thinking of a joke, and he leaves his brother alone. Mom makes a note to herself to make sure Drake brings something in the car with him next time to keep himself occupied.

 

 

How to Make In-the-Moment Parenting Work

 

Though Drake’s mom used Calm, Connect, Correct, the “proactive deposits” discussed in the Parenting by Deposit Roadmap will make all of the difference in how this situation plays out in the moment.

If you want to give your child tools to be successful (so they listen more), remember: 

 

[expand title=”Depositing into CALM”]

You will not be able to stay calm if

a.) your own biological or emotional “needs accounts” are low (if you feel like no one respects YOU and/or you have no control)

b.) you have the expectation that your children will have the same priorities that you do

When you make sure your own needs are met and you set realistic expectations PROACTIVELY, you are more likely to be able to stay calm.

See Step 1 of the Parenting by Deposit Roadmap for help meeting your needs and setting expectations proactively so you can stay calm. [/expand]

 

[expand title=”Depositing into CONNECT”]

You will be able to connect if

a.) you respect that ALL behavior has a reason and

b.) you understand those reasons (in a case like this, that when you teach children HOW to be successful, they do behave better)

When you become comfortable with the reasons behind behavior PROACTIVELY, you will be able to connect more effectively.

See Step 2 of the Parenting by Deposit Roadmap to learn the reasons for children’s behavior so you can connect more effectively. [/expand]

 

[expand title=”Depositing into CORRECT”]

You will be able to correct behavior by offering a tool if

a.) You have demonstrated consistently in the past that you mean what you say when you set a boundary like “Leave your brother alone.”

b.) You have made enough deposits into your kids’ emotional needs that setting a boundary doesn’t put them immediately into Yuck.

When you demonstrate that you mean what you say and when you make deposits into your kids’ emotional needs PROACTIVELY, you  will be able to correct behavior more effectively.

See Step 3 of the Parenting by Deposit Roadmap  to learn more about improving your influence so you can correct behavior. [/expand]