What This Is Like from a Parent’s Perspective

 

Mom: It’s been so embarrassing lately when we go to our friend’s house with our kids. You’d think it would be great because our kids get along with their kids… but when we have to leave, my daughter freaks out!

First she pretends she can’t hear me saying that we have to go. Then she starts fighting me when I tell her it’s time to leave. It’s mortifying! It makes me never want to take her to their house again, which wouldn’t be fair to anyone.

 

 

What This Is Like From a Child’s Perspective

 

Beth: I love going to the Krandall’s house. It’s so much fun when we’re there.

But I HATE when we have to leave. Mom usually demands that we go right when we’re in the middle of something… and it’s usually something really fun. And then she gets really mad that I don’t jump up when she calls me so she starts being mean to me in front of everyone. That doesn’t make me want to listen to her more! It just makes me MORE upset and things get worse.

 

 

How It Usually Goes

When Kids Don’t Do What We Want Them To

 

Scenario: Beth and her mom, dad, and brother are at the house of a family friend. Beth is playing with the other family’s daughter when her mom tells her it’s time to go.

 

Mom: Beth! Come on!

Beth: Hang on!

Mom: No! Come now, Beth. I told you 10 minutes ago we were leaving soon.

Beth: I’m right in the middle of something.

Mom: Beth, we’ve been here all evening. It is time to GO. NOW.

Beth (starts to scream): But I want to stay! Just a little while longer!

Mom (also starts to yell): Beth, would you please stop this! You knew we’d have to leave.

Beth (carrying on): You always do this! You’re so mean!

Mom (sarcastically): Yeah, your life is so tough because you have to leave your friend’s house…

Beth: I am NOT leaving!

Mom (yells): Beth!! (She feels helpless. She doesn’t want to have to drag Beth out but doesn’t know what else to do.)

 

How It Could Go

When Kids Don’t Do What We Want Them To

 

Scenario: Beth and her mom, dad, and brother are at the house of a family friend. Beth is playing with the other family’s daughter when her mom tells her it’s time to go.

 

Mom: Beth! Come on!

Beth: Hang on!

Mom: We have to go… What are you in the middle of?

 

[expand title=”CALM”]

Beth’s mom is focused on leaving their friend’s house and getting her kids home and to bed. She also realizes that if she only focuses on that, she’ll lose her cool.

She reminds herself that if she wants her daughter to listen to her, she needs to listen to her daughter first. [/expand]

 

Beth: We’re on the last round of hide and seek, and it’s my turn to seek.

Mom: Ah, you’re right in the middle of the round.

Beth: Yeah. I’m trying to find Jocelyn.

Mom: Oh honey, I’m sorry. You probably want to stay and do that. I wish we could stay…. We do have to get home. 

Beth: Mom, let me just find her? Please?

Mom: You know what? I wish I could. It does stink to be interrupted when you had it in your head you could finish this round. And you’d already started looking for her! I’m sure I’m frustrating you right now.

 

[expand title=”CONNECT”]

Beth’s mom wants to keep insisting that they need to leave. She also knows that if keeps implying to Beth that what she wants doesn’t matter, Beth will resist more.

So she observes what is going on for Beth at that moment, respecting Beth’s point of view. [/expand]

 

Beth: Yeah.

Mom: I get it, Beth. It sounds like it was a fun game. Did YOU have some good hiding spots too?

Beth (sighs): Yes.

Mom: Want to tell me about them in the car?

 

[expand title=”CORRECT”]

Beth’s mom knows she has to maintain her boundary that they leave their friends’ house. She also knows that Beth is still in the mindset of the game.

So she helps her transition out of the game by allowing her to continue to talk to it as they leave. [/expand]

 

Beth: (grumpily) Fine. (She gets up to leave.)

 

How to Make In-the-Moment Parenting Work

 

Though Beth’s mom used Calm, Connect, Correct, the “proactive deposits” discussed in the Parenting by Deposit Roadmap will make all of the difference in how this situation plays out in the moment.

If you want to respect your children’s point of view (so your kids listen to you more), remember: 

 

[expand title=”Depositing into CALM”]

You will not be able to stay calm if

a.) your own biological or emotional “needs accounts” are low (if you feel like no one respects YOU and/or you have no control)

b.) you have the expectation that your children will have the same priorities that you do

When you make sure your own needs are met and you set realistic expectations PROACTIVELY, you are more likely to be able to stay calm.

See Step 1 of the Parenting by Deposit Roadmap for help meeting your needs and setting expectations proactively so you can stay calm. [/expand]

 

[expand title=”Depositing into CONNECT”]

You will be able to connect if

a.) you respect that ALL behavior has a reason and

b.) you understand those reasons (in a case like this, that when you don’t respect your child’s perspective, they will resist your instructions more).

When you become comfortable with the reasons behind behavior PROACTIVELY, you will be able to connect more effectively.

See Step 2 of the Parenting by Deposit Roadmap to learn the reasons for children’s behavior so you can connect more effectively. [/expand]

 

[expand title=”Depositing into CORRECT”]

You will be able to correct behavior by offering a tool if

a.) You have demonstrated consistently in the past that you will leave someplace when you say you will

b.) You have made enough deposits into your kids’ emotional needs that setting a boundary doesn’t put them immediately into Yuck.

When you demonstrate that you mean what you say and when you make deposits into your kids’ emotional needs PROACTIVELY, you  will be able to correct behavior more effectively.

See Step 3 of the Parenting by Deposit Roadmap  to learn more about improving your influence so you can correct behavior. [/expand]