Making a Plan to Help You Stay Calm

 

Considering a Situation from a Parent’s Perspective

(How not having a plan leads to us losing our cool) 

 

Mom: Maddox is really smart, and I’m grateful for that. But sometimes I think he uses his intelligence to purposely push my buttons.

Like when I ask him to do something and he pretends he can’t  hear me. That drives me absolutely crazy! I refuse to let him disrespect me like that.

So when he ignores me  I yell. And I tell him all of the reasons he’s being disrespectful.

And things go from bad to worse.

 

Considering the Same Situation from a Child’s Perspective

 

Maddox: I know my mom gets really mad at me when I don’t answer her right away. 

If I’m being honest, sometimes I really don’t hear her! If I’m in the middle of doing something — like playing a game on my iPad — I’m just so into it that I don’t notice that she’s talking to me. 

Sure, there are times when I do hear her. It’s just that I’m so MAD that she doesn’t care AT ALL that I’m right in the middle of doing something when she wants me to jump up and listen. And sometimes I think “if she doesn’t care what I want, I don’t care what she wants!”

I do wish it didn’t always turn into a fight… 

 

How It Usually Goes (In Our Heads)

When We Lose Our Cool

 

Scenario: Maddox wants to go to a friend’s house. His mom reminds him that he can’t go because he hasn’t cleaned his room. She asks him to clean his room now since he’s not going anywhere anyway. He ignores her, walking to the kitchen instead.

 

Mom (thinks): Are you kidding me? I just told him to clean his room.

Mom (says to Maddox, loudly): Maddox! I SAID to go clean your room.

 

Maddox (keeps walking).

 

Mom (thinks): He is completely ignoring me! That is unacceptable!

Mom (yelling at Maddox): Maddox! Do NOT ignore me!

 

Maddox (turns around and looks at her but doesn’t say anything. He does not go to his room to clean).

 

Mom (thinks): If he thinks he can get away with not listening to me…

Mom (to Maddox): OK, fine, Maddox. No TV today. Or tomorrow.

 

Maddox: Fine. I don’t care. (He continues to walk away from his room.) 

 

Mom (thinks): I can’t believe this! How disrespectful! And there’s nothing I can do to actually make him clean..This is crazy! 

Mom starts lecturing Maddox about respect but he isn’t listening and he isn’t cleaning his room.

 

 

What It Looks Like (In Our Heads)

To Recall a Plan Made Ahead of Time to Stay Calm

 

Scenario: Maddox wants to go to a friend’s house. His mom reminds him that he can’t go because he hasn’t cleaned his room. She asks him to clean his room now since he’s not going anywhere anyway. He ignores her, walking to the kitchen instead.

 

Mom (thinks): Are you kidding me? I just told him to clean his room.

Mom (says to Maddox, loudly): Maddox! I SAID to go clean your room.

 

Maddox (keeps walking).

 

Mom (thinks): I cannot believe he is ignoring me!  (She pauses.) Wait, what did I say I’d do next time he ignores me? I said I’d remember that “ignoring” is his Yuck response and that I need to get into his world to get him out of Yuck. What is going on for him right now? 

Mom (to Maddox): Are you bummed that you can’t go to your friend’s house?

 

Maddox (aggressively): Yes!

 

Mom (thinks): I think I’m onto something here.

Mom (to Maddox): You really wanted to go, huh?

 

Maddox (more calmly): Yes.

 

Mom (thinks): OK, he’s calming down a tiny bit. What else can I say that shows I understand? (At least for now… I’m still going to make sure he cleans his room!)

Mom (to Maddox): What were you guys going to do together?

 

Maddox (excitedly): We were going to play Delorian!

 

Mom (thinks): He seems like he’s getting out of Yuck. It’s a good time to bring up cleaning his room. Maybe I can use Delorian to do it!

Mom (to Maddox): Ahh, Delorian. You love that game. And you love playing with Jake. 

 

Maddox: Yeah.

 

Mom (thinks): OK, I have a solution that will get him to clean his room and still respect his perspective…

Mom (to Maddox): Ah… I don’t know much about Delorian. Is it OK if I ask you some questions?

 

Maddox: Sure.

 

Mom (to Maddox): And you pick up 5 things from your room in between each question that I ask. Deal?

 

Maddox: Deal!

 

 

How to Make Sure You Can Recall a Plan (You Made Ahead of Time) in the Moment

 

Your level of Yuck is going to a huge difference in whether you can recall (and respect) a plan that you made ahead of time. 

You will be able to recall the plan (and be willing to use it) MUCH more easily when you have made proactive deposits into your CALM.

This means that:

your biological and emotional needs are met and

you have set realistic expectations about situations that regularly frustrate you.

(See Step 1 of the Parenting by Deposit Roadmap to learn more about how to make these proactive deposits.)