What This Is Like from Your Perspective
There are certain things that kids just need to do: brush their teeth, or stop being mean to their sibling, or do their homework, or listen when you say it’s time to leave. But when you ask them to do something and they are defiant…
…When they pretend they can’t hear you…
…When they look you in the eye and do the opposite of what you ask…
…When they complain or try to negotiate their way out of everything…
It’s infuriating! Not only is defiance disrespectful, but it can also lead to safety issues or other problems in the future.
What This Is Like from Your Child’s Perspective
No one likes being told what to do… But for kids, they don’t have a choice. Adults (who are bigger than they are and who have more authority than they do) are telling them what to do all day long.
…They’re telling them where to be…
…They’re telling them how to act…
…They’re telling them what they can and can’t have, and what they can and can’t do…
At a certain point, kids’ brains respond to these constant withdrawals, and instead of handling it maturely (they’re kids, after all!) they handle it by trying to get control back and being defiant.
How It Usually Goes When We Set
Boundaries When Kids Are Defiant
Scenario: Darren’s dad had asked Darren to take his dishes from the table to the counter. Instead, when he’s done eating, Darren leaves his dishes and runs off to play. Darren’s dad calls after him, but Darren doesn’t return to the table.
Dad (calling from the kitchen): DARREN! Get back here!
Darren: I’m doing something!
Dad: I don’t care… I ASKED you to clean up after yourself.
Darren: I forgot. (He makes no move to come back to clean up.)
Dad: Well then get back here and do it now!
Darren: Can’t you do it for me?
Dad: NO, I will not do it for you. I told you to clean up even before you left the table. You come back.
Darren: I just want to finish this. I’ll be there in 5 minutes!
Dad: NOT 5 minutes, Darren! NOW.
Darren: Stop being so mean, Dad!
Dad: Mean? I’m only asking you to do what you’re supposed to do!
Darren (yelling): You don’t have to yell!
Dad: Darren, if you don’t get in here right now, I’m not taking you to your friend’s house later…
Darren (yelling): That’s not fair! I told him I’d be there!
Dad: You also told me you’d clean up! Get in here!
Darren: I never said I’d clean up…
The power struggle between Darren and his dad continues.
How It Could Go When We Set
Boundaries When Kids Are Defiant
Scenario: Darren’s dad had asked Darren to take his dishes from the table to the dishwasher. Instead, when he’s done eating, Darren leaves his dishes and runs off to play. Darren’s dad calls after him, but Darren doesn’t return to the table.
Dad (calling from the kitchen): DARREN! Get back here!
Darren: I’m doing something!
Dad (walks over to Darren): I see that.
CALM
Darren’s dad wants Darren to stop what he’s doing and bring his dishes to the dishwasher. And if he focuses on the fact that Darren’s NOT doing that, he’ll lose his cool — which won’t motivate better behavior in Darren. Losing his cool will also be modeling that when things don’t his way, he can’t handle it. (And that’s not what he wants to model!)
Darren: Yeah, look at this tower. I got this piece to balance this time!
Dad: Yeah, you did.
Darren: I want to make it go so much higher!
Dad: That would be really cool, kiddo. Maybe I could help?
CONNECT
Darren’s dad’s goal is to get Darren to clean up after himself. But he knows that he’s more likely to motivate responsible behavior if he treats Darren with respect (in addition to setting a boundary).
Darren (excited): Yeah!!
Dad: You know what though? I need to help later. It’s time to clean up.
Darren: But I’m doing this.
Dad: I see that you are. That is one cool tower. (Pauses.) Once you clean your dishes, you can keep building it.
Darren: I’m going to finish THIS first.
Dad (repeats): Once you clean your dishes, you can keep building it.
Darren: No. I’m finishing this first.
Dad (doesn’t engage, but instead focuses on the problem): While you’re taking each plate over, why don’t you tell me what the finished building is going to look like? What’s the highest piece going to be?
CORRECT
As much as Darren’s dad respects his perspective, he still sets his boundary, repeating himself in order to demonstrate that he won’t budge. He also gives him tools to be successful.
Darren: That’s easy! It’s that round piece over there.
Dad: Let’s measure the whole thing when it’s done. (He starts to walk toward the kitchen.) How tall do you think it’s going to be?
Darren (follows his dad to the kitchen): At least four feet!
Darren cleans his plates while describing his building to his dad.
NOTE: One of the main reasons this strategy can work is that it focuses on giving Darren the TOOLS he needs to succeed (transitioning from a place of engagement to a task he doesn’t care about). If giving him tools didn’t work to motivate better behavior, it would be because Darren is too deep in Yuck — likely because he feels out of control because he has to stop doing something he was doing and doesn’t want to. At that point, and Darren’s dad would have to reinforce the boundary firmly and let him travel the Yuck curve. Once Darren releases his Yuck, he can then access the “responsible” part of his brain again… but he can’t do that while he’s IN Yuck. (Instead, when he’s in Yuck he’ll try to get control by defying.)
Darren’s dad was able to balance FIRMNESS (maintaining a boundary) with RESPECT (understanding) when dealing with Harrison’s behavior.
Proactive actions will make all of the difference in whether you are able to stay calm, connect, and correct behavior effectively.
You will only be able to stay CALM if:
a.) your biological or emotional “needs accounts” are met (otherwise you won’t have a reserve to draw from and you’ll immediately go into Yuck) and
a.) you recognize and respect that your kids have have a different perspective and agenda than you do (in this case, that Darren had something in mind that he wanted to do and he has difficulty being flexible when things don’t go his way), and that their perspective and agenda matter to them.
When you make sure your own needs are met and you set realistic expectations PROACTIVELY, you are more likely to be able to stay calm.
You will only be able to CONNECT if:
a.) you respect that ALL behavior has a reason and
b.) you understand those reasons (in a case like this, that when kids are in engaged in something, they struggle to dis-engage and can’t just hop off because we want them to)
(Find tips here to teach kids to how to transition more effectively)
When you become comfortable with the reasons behind behavior PROACTIVELY, you will be able to connect more effectively.
You will only be able to CORRECT behavior if:
a.) You have demonstrated consistently in the past that you mean what you say when you set a boundary like “Go back and do what I asked you to do.”
b.) You have made enough deposits into your kids’ emotional needs that setting a boundary doesn’t put them immediately into Yuck.
When you demonstrate that you mean what you say and when you make deposits into your kids’ emotional needs PROACTIVELY, you will be able to correct behavior more effectively. They will also be less likely to fight with each other because they have less Yuck built up inside.