What This Is Like from Your Perspective

Having kids play together can be such a blessing when it buys you a few minutes of peace. But when they start arguing over everything…

…When they both want to use with the same thing or

…When they fight over who gets to choose the next podcast episode to listen to or

…When they all insist that it’s NOT THEIR TURN to clean up after dinner…

It can really start to grate on your last nerve. Why can’t they just get along and realize that everyone will eventually be heard and get a turn?

What This Is Like from Your Child’s Perspective

Kids aren’t born as problem-solvers who try to find solutions that meet everyone’s needs. They’re wired to be self-centered and to let others know what they want.

And because the “thoughtful”, problem-solving part of the brain doesn’t fully develop until humans are in their mid 20s, they don’t naturally have the tools to take turns, to share, to compromise.

So when they’re asked to

…share something they want

…let someone else choose something that they have a strong preference about

…do a task that they believe isn’t theirs to have to do…

Each of them continue to insist on what THEY want. They don’t see that as a problem. And they especially don’t see it as a problem that has a different solution.

How It Usually Goes

When Kids Keep Fighting Over Things

Scenario: Gina and her brother Jay are doing homework at the kitchen table. Jay keeps clicking his pen over and over, and Gina complains that it’s bothering her. Jay insists he can’t concentrate without clicking the pen. Their mom notices that the kids aren’t getting their homework done because they’re arguing and enters the conversation. 

Mom: Gina! Jay! Stop! You have to do your homework!

Gina: I can’t! Jay’s being too annoying.

Jay: I’m NOT being annoying. I’m TRYING to do my homework.

Gina: But you’re just clicking your pen!

Jay: I TOLD you…clicking my pen helps me focus!

Gina: How can it help you focus? It’s too loud!

Mom: Jay, you need to be quiet so you can get your homework done.

Jay: That’s not fair! Why are you taking her side?

Mom: I’m not,  Jay… Gina, can you go to another room to do your homework?

Gina: No, there’s not enough room in my room to spread out.

Jay: And it’s easier for me to be in here too. Why should I have to leave?

Mom: You just have to be quieter, Jay.

Jay: I CAN’T, Mom! This is totally unfair. Gina always gets what she wants!

Mom: No she doesn’t!

Gina: Jay, you’re just more annoying than I am…

Mom: Gina!

Gina: I’m just telling the truth. I don’t make all that noise.

Jay: MOM! Tell her she can’t talk to me like that!

Mom is exasperated that the kids just keep fighting. She doesn’t know how to end the cycle of bickering so that homework gets done. 

How It Could Go

When Kids Keep Fighting Over Things

Scenario: Gina and her brother Jay are doing homework at the kitchen table. Jay keeps clicking his pen over and over, and Gina complains that it’s bothering her. Jay insists he can’t concentrate without clicking the pen. Their mom notices that the kids aren’t getting their homework done because they’re arguing and enters the conversation. 

Mom: Gina. Jay. What’s going on?

Gina: He’s being so annoying!

Jay: No I’m not.

Mom: OK, clearly there’s some disagreement happening here. Let’s work it out.

CALM

Jay and Gina’s mom wants them to focus on their homework instead of their arguing. She knows that if she comes in yelling and complaining, that will only keep them from their homework more. So she reminds herself to model mature behavior and focuses on staying calm rather than on the fact that the kids are fighting.

Gina: I can’t! He’s being too loud. He’s clicking his pen.

Mom: You’re trying to do homework and he’s clicking his pen.

Gina: Yes!

Jay: I can’t help it! Clicking helps me focus.

Mom: Yeah, I know you’ve told us that your mind wanders when you’re trying to study and that doing something with your hands helps.

Jay: Exactly.

Mom: Fair enough. So Gina, you need quiet to do homework and Jay, you need to do something with your hands.

CONNECT

Jay and Gina’s mom wants them to get their homework done. But instead of focusing on the outcome, she focuses on helping each of the kids feel respected so that they’ll get out of Yuck (their fight-or flight-response) so that they can access the problem-solving, open-minded part of their brain (the prefrontal cortex). 

Gina: Yes!

Jay: Yes. So I can’t be quiet.

Mom: OK, I see the problem. Let’s solve it. What are some of the solutions here?

Jay: Gina could leave.

Gina (starts to protest).

Mom: Gina, instead of complaining, can you think of a solution that would work for you?

Gina: I can’t leave, honestly. I need the space here.

Mom: OK. So Jay did have a solution, but it wouldn’t work for Gina. Gina, what do you think would work for you and Jay? 

Gina: Can you at least do something quieter?

Jay: Like what?

Mom: What are other ways that you’ve used to focus? 

Jay: Ugh, clicking the pen is best! 

Mom: Fair enough. Unfortunately that solution won’t work right now. I respect that you need something to help you concentrate. I can suggest something, but I know you know yourself best. 

Jay: I guess I can squeeze that ball of putty instead of clicking the pen. 

Mom: Gina, does that solution work for you?

Gina: Yes. It’s QUIET. 

Mom: Let’s try that. And if it doesn’t work, we’ll find another solution. 
​
(Note for this tool: Teaching children to solve problem dramatically reduces sibling bickering, improves behavior, and improves self-esteem. However, this is a skill that really needs to be taught proactively because when we are in Yuck, we will default to what has become more automatic… and if problem-solving isn’t practiced regularly, they will not use this skill when they’re upset — which almost defeats the purpose of having them in the first place!)

What YOU NEED (Proactively)

For This To Work Better In the Moment

Jay and Gina’s mom was able to balance FIRMNESS (maintaining a boundary) with RESPECT (focusing on teaching tools) when dealing with the kids’ behavior.

Proactive actions will make all of the difference in whether you are able to stay calm, connect, and correct behavior effectively.

You will only be able to stay CALM if:

a.) your biological or emotional “needs accounts” are met (otherwise you won’t have a reserve to draw from and you’ll immediately go into Yuck) and

a.) you recognize and respect that your kids have have a different perspective and agenda than you do, and that their perspective and agenda matter to them.

When you make sure your own needs are met and you set realistic expectations PROACTIVELY, you are more likely to be able to stay calm.

You will only be able to CONNECT if:

a.) you respect that ALL behavior has a reason and

b.) you understand those reasons (in a case like this, that kids don’t have the tools to identify problems, let alone solve them maturely and selflessly)
(Note: Find strategies here to teach kids to build problem-solving skills proactively so they don’t have as many issues)

When you become comfortable with the reasons behind behavior PROACTIVELY, you will be able to connect more effectively.

You will only be able to CORRECT behavior if:

a.) You have demonstrated consistently in the past that you mean what you say when you set a boundary like “We need to solve the disagreement that you’re having.”

b.) You have made enough deposits into your kids’ emotional needs that setting a boundary doesn’t put them immediately into Yuck.

When you demonstrate that you mean what you say and when you make deposits into your kids’ emotional needs PROACTIVELY, you  will be able to correct behavior more effectively. They will also be less likely to fight with each other because they have less Yuck built up inside.