What This Is Like from Your Perspective

 

Usually when you’re setting a rule our boundary, you’re considering what’s in your child’s best interest. You’re trying to protect them, and teach them, and make sure they stay safe.

So when your spouse

…implies that your rule or boundary isn’t a good one

…insists that you are wrong and they are right

…says they agree with you but then don’t act accordingly

It can make you feel disrespected… and worried about about the impact that might have on your child. So you try harder to get your spouse to hear you, but that only leads to more conflict.

 

What This Is Like from Your Spouse’s Perspective

 

Your spouse is ALSO considering the best interest of your child. But what they think is the “right way” to do things may be different than what you think is the right way.

Very likely, they:

…were raised differently than you so have different expectations about what kids should act like / do

…have had different life experiences, so they have different beliefs about what “works”

…have even had different interactions with your kids, and some things that work for them might not work for you (and vice versa).

They also want you to see their point of view and become frustrated (and perhaps even defensive and/or rude) when they feel that they’re not being heard. 

 

 

 

How It Usually Goes When

You and Your Spouse Are Trying to Agree on a Rule

 

Scenario: Paula and her husband Jon are discussing the kids’ after-school routine. Paula is saying that she’d like their son Charlie start his homework 30 minutes after he gets home. Jon is insisting that Charlie needs more “down time” after school. 

 

Paula: Jon, I know Charlie needs need downtime. That’s why I give him 30 minutes.

Jon: But 30 minutes isn’t nearly enough! He’s sat in school all day and need to relax.

Paula: If I let him relax for too long, he’ll never come back to their homework. And it becomes a power struggle EVERY SINGLE TIME. And I have no more energy for that.

Jon: He listens to ME when I tell them to do their homework…

Paula: So this is MY fault?

Jon: I’m not saying that. I just think that you are a little too uptight and he rebels.

Paula: I’m “uptight” because I am juggling a million things at once! When I’m asking him to come back to do their homework later, I’m ALSO making dinner. So I can’t stop what I’m doing to get him to listen. Or if I do, no one will eat!

Jon: So getting them to do their homework earlier is better for YOU. But I DON’T think it’s better for him.

Paula (sarcastically): Right… I’m so selfish. I do so much for me and never think about the kids.

Jon (defensively): I’m not saying that!

Paula and Jon continue to bicker and the issue is not resolved.

 

How It Could Go When

You and Your Spouse Are Trying to Agree on a Rule

 

Scenario: Paula and her husband Jon are discussing the kids’ after-school routine. Paula is saying that she’d like their son Charlie start his homework 30 minutes after he gets home. Jon is insisting that Charlie needs more “down time” after school. 

 

Paula: Jon, I know Charlie needs downtime. That’s why I give him 30 minutes.

Jon: But 30 minutes isn’t nearly enough! He’s sat in school all day and needs to relax.

Paula (wants to defend herself, especially since she’s the one at home with the kids. But she knows that Jon also knows and loves the kids, so she decides to hear him out. She counts to 10 and says): What do you mean?

CALM

Paula wants to tell Jon why she is right and  he is wrong. But she knows that will put them on opposite teams, which won’t resolve anything.  So she takes a moment and tries to become curious instead of judgmental.

 

Jon: When I was a kid, I could NOT have gone through a day of school and then come home and do work. And we both know that Charlie is exactly like me!

Paula (chuckles lightheartedly): You STILL don’t want to come home from work and do more work!

Jon (because she is clearly making a joke and not attacking him, he laughs.): That is true. (Turns serious.) I just worry that we’re asking Charlie to do something he can’t do.

Paula (thinks for a moment about what Jon is saying): You really think he can’t do that?

 

CONNECT

Paula still wants Jon to see her perspective. But instead of forcing her agenda onto him, she takes a moment to really understand his point of view. (This is easier for her because Jon has become vulnerable with his concern.) She is listening to him to understand him rather than to respond and convince him to do something.

Jon: I really think he can’t.

Paula: OK. I hear what you’re saying. Can I tell you the problem I’m having?

Jon (is happy to listen since Paula listened to him): Sure.

Paula: If he doesn’t do it 30 minutes after he gets home, then he gets involved in something else. And pulling him back to homework later is really tough.

Jon: How so?

Paula: He needs help going from his play to his homework if we wait too long. But if making dinner, I can’t give him that help.

Jon (even though he feels he doesn’t have that problem with Charlie himself, he tries to see the situation from Paula’s perspective instead of his own): Yeah, I can see how that would be tough.

Paula: So I’m  just not sure what to do.

Jon: OK, if he needs more than 30 minutes…and he has trouble coming back to homework later… I wonder if there’s another way to help him transition?

 

CORRECT

Paula: Well sometimes a timer helps… IF he sets the timer himself… and IF he’s not playing video games. Then timers only make him more mad.

Jon: What do you think of making a deal with Charlie — if we give him extra time and allow him to set the timer, then he can have more free time after school?

Paula: I’m OK with that. But I also think we need to build in the promise that we’ll revisit this in a week if it doesn’t work.

Jon: Deal.

Paula: Great.

 

Paula and Jon were able to treat each other with respect and resolve their conflict in the moment.

However, proactive deposits will make all of the difference whether each spouse is able to actually stay calm (without getting defensive) and see the other person’s perspective to come up with a solution. 

Remember:

CALM

You and your spouse will only be able to stay calm if:

a.) each of your biological or emotional “needs accounts” are met (otherwise you won’t have a reserve to draw from and you’ll immediately go into Yuck)

b.) you each recognize and respect that your spouse has a different perspective than you do, and that their perspective matters to them

When you make sure your own needs are met and you set realistic expectations PROACTIVELY, you are more likely to be able to stay calm.

CONNECT

You and your spouse will only be able to connect if:

a.) you both assume that your spouse is usually doing what they think is best for your children and

b.) you understand that your spouse is more likely to see your perspective if you see theirs

CORRECT

You will be able to make suggestions for change more effectively if:

a.) you acknowledge your own role in the situation you are trying to resolve

b.) you make deposits into your relationship proactively so that you each WANT to be considerate of the other’s perspective in the moment