What This Is Like from Your Perspective

 

You’re tired of the negativity in your home. You want your kids to do what they’re supposed to do, but you don’t want to have to get there through power struggles and doling out punishments that you are to overwhelmed to enforce.

But when you talk to your spouse about using a new discipline strategy…

…they tell you that you’re being too “soft”

…they undermine you in front of the kids

…they are not willing to change how they deal with the kids’ negative behavior

You’re frustrated, because you believe the dynamics in the house could change… if only you could get your spouse on board. But you have no idea how to make that happen.

 

 

 

What This Is Like from Your Spouse’s Perspective

 

Like you, your spouse wants what’s best for your children. And they probably don’t enjoy the negativity in the home either.

But when they hear that you want to focus on something other than traditional strategies to foster more responsible behavior…

…they genuinely believe that that’s only going to make the kids act more entitled or disrespectful

…they remember that their parents were firm with them and they turned out fine, so they see no reason to make a change

…they’re too exhausted to make any changes

They truly don’t know why they’d do something different (especially something that would take energy that they don’t have) when they have no evidence that it will work… and they’re pretty sure it won’t.

 

 

 

 

 

How It Usually Goes When You Want to Focus on Teaching Tools

and Your Spouse Wants to Use Only Punishment

 

Scenario: Matthew forgot to turn in another homework assignment, and his Mom, Caroline, sat down with him to talk about the issue. During their conversation, they came up with a plan for how Matthew could remind himself to turn in his homework in the future. When Matthew’s dad, Adam, came home and found out about the homework assignment, he told Matthew that he couldn’t go to his friend’s birthday party or be on devices that weekend.

 

Caroline: Adam! We had already worked this out.

Adam: What do you mean, you had worked it out? What did you do about it?

Caroline: We figured out a way for him to remember to turn in his homework next time.

Adam: But what about the fact that he didn’t turn it in this time… or the last 3 times? There has to be some consequence for that!

Caroline: That’s not going to teach him anything!

Adam: Oh yes it is! That’ll teach him not do forget his homework next time!

Caroline: Adam, we’ve TRIED punishing him before. It doesn’t work. I want to try something new this time. I want to give him tools to do better.

Adam: Then he’s going to think he got away with it!

Caroline: He WANTS to do well, Adam. He just doesn’t know how.

Adam: If he wanted to do well, he would. We need to take things away so he’s more motivated.

Caroline: That’s NOT what motivates him!

Adam: We’ll see about that…

Caroline: I’m NOT doing that to him!

Adam: Well I already told him he couldn’t go to his friends. We’re not going back on that now!

Caroline and Adam continue to argue. 

 

How It Could Go When You Want to Focus on Teaching Tools

and Your Spouse Wants to Use Only Punishment

 

Scenario: Matthew forgot to turn in another homework assignment, and his Mom, Caroline, sat down with him to talk about the issue. During their conversation, they came up with a plan for how Matthew could remind himself to turn in his homework in the future. When Matthew’s dad, Adam, came home and found out about the homework assignment, he told Matthew that he couldn’t go to his friend’s birthday party or be on devices that weekend.

 

Caroline: Adam?

Adam (defensively): What?

Caroline: I’d like to talk about this for a minute if it’s OK with you.

 

CALM
Caroline is frustrated with Adam and wants to tell him why. But she knows that if she only talks about how angry she is at Adam, the conversation will go downhill fast. So she focuses on staying calm and making sure she isn’t approaching Adam in a way that will immediately shut him down. 

 

Adam (hesitates): Fine.

Caroline: You’re mad that Mathew forgot another assignment, aren’t you?

Adam: Well, YEAH. Aren’t YOU?

Caroline: Completely. This has been going on for too long.

Adam: YES, it has.

Caroline: We both want it to end.

Adam: Yeah, it has to. He has to learn how to be more responsible.

Caroline: I agree. And I’m sure you’re telling him not to go to the party and not to be on his device so that he’ll learn a lesson, right?

CONNECT
Caroline just wants Adam to stop punishing Matthew and try this new strategy that she really believes will work. But she knows that if she only tries to convince Adam of her perspective without listening to his, he will not be open to hearing what she has to say. So she makes an effort to respect his perspective first.

Adam: YES.

Caroline: Can I say one thing?

Adam (no longer as defensive): Yeah.

Caroline: I think he wants to do well… I’m afraid he doesn’t know how.

Adam: But we’ve talked to him about how important it is to turn in his work.

Caroline: Seriously. So many times.

Adam: So…?

Caroline: So I think he knows he has to, but he doesn’t know HOW.

Adam: What does that mean?

Caroline: When I talked to him, and he told me he genuinely forgets to turn homework in because he’s talking to his friends. I believe him, Adam. 

Adam: Yeah, I could see that happening. 

Caroline: I told him that the homework still needed to be turned in, and he said he’d try to turn it in FIRST — before he even goes over to his friends. He even set an alarm on his watch to remind himself. I watched him do it. 

Adam: OK. But I still think we need to punish him.

Caroline: I’m not saying we should go back on what you told him. But next time, can we try to see if we can HELP him too?

CORRECT
As much as she’s trying to respect Adam’s perspective, she also wants to be firm in what she believes as well. So she brings up her point of view without disregarding Adam’s needs.

Adam: Yeah, I guess. I just don’t want him to think he can get away with things.

Caroline: Neither do I… at all. But I also want to give him a chance to do better.

Adam: I do too.

Caroline: So maybe next time we can check in with each other about what we’ve done to try to help him first… instead of jumping right to punishment?

Adam: Yeah. I’m fine with that.

Adam and Caroline begin to talk about other topics, now that they’re closer to the being on the same page regarding how to support their son. 

 

What YOU NEED (Proactively)

For This To Work Better In the Moment

 

Caroline was able to use Calm, Connect, Correct to interact with Adam.

Proactive actions will make a ton of difference in whether you are able to use this strategy with your spouse.

For this to happen:

~your biological or emotional “needs accounts” cannot be empty (if they are, you won’t have a reserve draw from and you’ll immediately lose your cool) 

~you need to recognize and respect that your spouse is generally motivated by helping your child(ren) too, that they have a different opinion about how to help, and that their perspective matters to them

~you and your spouse need to have made enough deposits into your relationship that you WANT to be on the same team