What This Is Like from Your Perspective
You try hard to make everything fair. You try to show your children that you love them equally. But they STILL get jealous of others.
…They complain that their brother’s piece of cake is bigger
…They melt down when they can’t have the same present that their cousin has.
…They whine that their sister gets to choose all of the movies, and they NEVER get to choose anything
You’re tired of reassuring them that you’re doing everything fairly, and you’re sick of the jealousy and competition. But you don’t know how to make it stop.
What This Is Like from Your Child’s Perspective
Kids love most parts of the holiday. But what they don’t love is that they get less attention (they’re always around siblings and so many other kids) and often get “in trouble” more.
They still want to know that they matter too. So when they feel that they’re treated “unfairly,”
…They complain when they see that someone else has a bigger piece of something
…They see that others have something they really, really wanted… and they get upset
…They remember all of the times when someone else go to do something and they didn’t
They don’t know how to ask for what they need. They just know how to get upset when they feel that things aren’t going the way they wish they would.
How It Usually Goes When
Kids Are Jealous of What Another Child Has
Scenario: Adam just opened a gift. It’s a new phone, and he is really excited about it. His sister Jocelyn starts whining and carrying on, interrupting and being rude to Adam.
Dad: Jocelyn, stop that! Let Adam enjoy his present!
Jocelyn: No.
Dad: Jocelyn, what is going on with you?
Jocelyn (snottily): NOTHING.
Dad: I don’t like your attitude.
Jocelyn: I don’t like this day. I’ve gotten NO good presents.
Dad: What are you talking about? You just opened about 5 things you loved.
Jocelyn: Adam got the BEST present. I haven’t gotten anything I WANTED.
Dad: Oh no? Should we take away the things we’ve given you then?
Jocelyn (screams): NO!
Dad: Jocelyn, you’re acting like a spoiled brat. And you’re ruining everyone else’s day.
Jocelyn: I don’t care. My day is ruined too!
Dad realizes he’s not going to get anywhere with Jocelyn. He orders her to her room and she complains and carries on, making everyone around her resentful.
How It Could Go When
Kids Are Jealous of What Another Child Has
Scenario: Adam just opened a gift. It’s a new phone, and he is really excited about it. His sister Jocelyn starts whining and carrying on, interrupting and being rude to Adam.
Dad: Jocelyn, stop that! Let Adam enjoy his present!
Jocelyn: No.
Dad: Jocelyn, what is going on with you?
Jocelyn (snottily): NOTHING.
Dad (takes a deep breath and slows the cadence of his voice): Jocelyn… Hey… What’s going on?
CALM
Jocelyn’s dad doesn’t like her attitude. But he knows that if he loses his cool, the situation will only get worse. So he focuses on his own reaction rather than on Jocelyn’s behavior.
Jocelyn: Nothing.
Dad: Adam just got a really cool phone, didn’t he?
Jocelyn (hesitates): No. It’s dumb. (She looks away.)
Dad: OK, fair enough. It’s dumb. But I know I used to get upset when my brothers and sisters got things I wanted.
Jocelyn: Like what?
Dad: Can you come over here? I’ll tell you a secret.
CONNECT
Jocelyn’s dad figures out pretty easily what’s upsetting her. She’s jealous and doesn’t feel important. He doesn’t want her to eclipse her brother’s happiness, so he finds a way to let her know he understands… and to make her feel important (by telling her a secret).
Jocelyn comes over.
Dad: One year my brother got the coolest CD player that I really, really wanted. And I felt like I hated him for it.
Jocelyn: You did?
Dad: Yeah. It made me so mad that he got something I wanted. And then it made me not even like all of my other presents.
Jocelyn: Yeah.
Dad (doesn’t say anything for a few minutes). Is it hard that Adam got that phone?
Jocelyn: YES! I wanted one and I never get anything I want!
Dad: Yeah, I know. It’s hard being younger and not getting what your brother has.
Jocelyn: He always has more than I do.
Dad: I’m sorry, Kiddo. I can’t let you be mean to Adam because he got something you didn’t. But I’m happy to listen to all of the things he got that you didn’t.
CORRECT
Jocelyn’s dad maintains his boundary (he won’t be buying her a phone and he won’t let her ruin her brother’s day) while allowing her to have her feelings. He is teaching her the tools for handling disappointment and frustration by supporting her through those emotions.
Jocelyn lists a few things. Dad doesn’t argue. He just listens.
Dad: I know it’s hard to wait two more years until you do. Do you want to make list of all the things that seem really cool for when you’re older? Mom and I will look at it.
Jocelyn: Can I write it now?
Dad: Sure.
Jocelyn’s dad was able to balance FIRMNESS with RESPECT when responding to Jocelyn’s spoiled behavior.
However, proactive deposits will make all of the difference in whether you are able to stay calm, connect, and correct behavior effectively.
Remember:
You will only be able to stay CALM if:
a.) your biological or emotional “needs accounts” are met (otherwise you won’t have a reserve to draw from and you’ll immediately go into Yuck) and
b.) you recognize and respect that your kids have have a different perspective than you do, and that their perspective matters to them.
When you make sure your own needs are met and you set realistic expectations PROACTIVELY, you are more likely to be able to stay calm.
You will only be able to CONNECT if:
a.) you respect that ALL behavior has a reason and
b.) you understand those reasons (in a case like this, that when kids are jealous, they often turn their Yuck out on others and act rudely… they are struggling with their emotions and don’t handle them well).
When you become comfortable with the reasons behind behavior PROACTIVELY, you will be able to connect more effectively.
You will only be able to CONNECT behavior if:
a.) You have demonstrated consistently in the past that you mean what you say when you set a boundary like “I will not buy you something just because you get upset.”
b.) You have made enough deposits into your kids’ emotional needs that setting a boundary doesn’t put them immediately into Yuck.
When you demonstrate that you mean what you say and when you make deposits into your kids’ emotional needs PROACTIVELY, you will be able to correct behavior more effectively.