What This Is Like from Your Perspective
You’re on your way to visit family for the holidays, but what’s supposed to be a nice time is miserable because your kids will NOT stop bickering.
They’re complaining about how much room someone else is taking up.
They’re fighting over who gets to choose the next audiobook.
One is making loud noises and will not stop.
You try to yell over them, but that only makes things worse. It’s chaotic, you’re frustrated, and you feel helpless because you have no idea how to get even a little bit of peace and quiet.
What This Is Like from Their Perspective
Although kids love the holidays, it’s the excitement of the holidays that they crave. Sitting in a car is hard for them.
Their siblings are getting into their personal space and it’s annoying to them.
They’re used to constant simulation and car rides are not stimulating.
They’re resentful that no one seems to care how they feel…everyone only cares that they’re quiet.
So they complain, and they create their stimulation, and they whine when they don’t get their way. They’re not handling it in a mature way… because they’re kids.
How It Usually Goes When
Kids Are Bickering In the Car
Carson and Sophie have been quiet for most of the ride, but now their devices are running out of battery. They start to fight over who can use the one charger that is available.
Sophie: I want the charger! You got if first last time, Carson.
Carson: But I have less battery than you do now.
Sophie (whining): But it’s not fair if you get it first!
Dad: You two, stop arguing. You can take turns and both of you will get your devices charged.
Sophie: But he always takes longer.
Carson: No I don’t! Sophie, stop being such a baby!
Sophie: I’m not!
Dad: Will you two stop arguing?!
Carson: Good job, get us in trouble, Sophie.
Sophie: This wasn’t my fault! I just wanted the charger. Just let me have it!
Carson: Why? What you watch is STUPID!
Dad (screams): Enough!
Sophie (starts crying).
Carson (mutters) You’re such a baby, Sophie.
Sophie (whines): Daaaaddd!!
Dad knows that whatever he says next is only going to make things worse.
How It Could Go When
Kids Are Bickering In the Car
Carson and Sophie have been quiet for most of the ride, but now their devices are running out of battery. They start to fight over who can use the one charger that is available.
Sophie: I want the charger! You got if first last time, Carson.
Carson: But I have less battery than you do now.
Sophie: But it’s not fair if you get it first!
Dad: You both want the charger. And there’s only one. We’ll figure out who gets it together… once you stop arguing.
Sophie and Carson continue to bicker for another few minutes. Dad doesn’t say a word. He also doesn’t give anyone the charger.
CALM
Sophie and Carson’s dad wants them to stop fighting. But he knows that if he gets involved when the kids are in Yuck, things will only escalate. So he focuses on staying calm himself and not letting the kids’ situation make him lose control.
A few minutes later…
Dad: I know you both want the charger. We need to find a solution that respects both of you.
Sophie: Well give it to ME first! He got it first last time.
Dad: That solution would work for you, Sophie. And that’s important. And Carson matters too.
CONNECT
Sophie and Carson’s dad knows it’s important for each of the kids to feel heard. He also knows that if he “agrees” with one sibling over the other, it will cause more competition and arguing. So he expresses understanding of both kids’ points of view.
Carson: See, Sophie?
Dad: I’ll wait until we can find a solution.
The kids argue again, but for a shorter time this time. They see that their dad isn’t getting drawn into their argument and that he won’t give them the charger until they stop.
CORRECT
Sophie and Carson’s dad maintains his boundary while the kids get their Yuck out. Instead of letting their upset control him, he shows teaches them that they can solve problems more effectively when they’re not upset.
Dad: So how can we resolve this?
Carson: Fine.
Dad: What do you mean, “fine”?
Carson: She can have it first.
Sophie: Why?
Carson: Because I can’t do anything else. My battery is dead. So I just want to make this go faster.
Dad: OK, Carson. What will you do while you’re waiting? I don’t want you to annoy Sophie.
Carson: Can we talk about an increase in my allowance?
Dad (chuckles): No. But we can talk about that game last week…
Dad and Carson start to talk while Dad hands Sophie the charger.
Sophie and Carson’s dad was able to balance FIRMNESS with RESPECT when dealing with his kids’ bickering.
However, proactive deposits will make all of the difference in whether you are able to stay calm, connect, and correct behavior effectively.
Remember:
You will only be able to stay CALM if:
a.) your biological or emotional “needs accounts” are met (otherwise you won’t have a reserve to draw from and you’ll immediately go into Yuck) and
b.) you recognize and respect that your kids have have a different perspective than you do, and that their perspective matters to them.
When you make sure your own needs are met and you set realistic expectations PROACTIVELY, you are more likely to be able to stay calm.
You will only be able to CONNECT if:
a.) you respect that ALL behavior has a reason and
b.) you understand those reasons (in a case like this, that when kids are bickering, they need to release Yuck and each feel heard before they will focus on solving problems)
When you become comfortable with the reasons behind behavior PROACTIVELY, you will be able to connect more effectively.
You will only be able to CONNECT behavior if:
a.) You have demonstrated consistently in the past that you mean what you say when you set a boundary like “I will not give you the charger until you stop fighting.”
b.) You have made enough deposits into your kids’ emotional needs that setting a boundary doesn’t put them immediately into Yuck.
When you demonstrate that you mean what you say and when you make deposits into your kids’ emotional needs PROACTIVELY, you will be able to correct behavior more effectively.