When Your Spouse Isn't On the Same Page With Boundaries for Electronics

What This Is Like from Your Perspective

You know that you want your kids to watch fewer shows, spend less time on YouTube, or play fewer video games. But when you try to get your spouse to enforce boundaries, they don’t. So you feel

…disrespected that your spouse won’t back you up and show the kids a united front

…helpless to get your kids to use their devices less, when they know they can be on them when you’re not around

…resentful at always having to be the “bad guy”

You’ve tried to bring this up calmly with your spouse, but that only seems to lead to more arguments.

What This Is Like from Your Spouse’s Perspective

Spouses aren’t usually intentionally undermining each other. Usually if one isn’t supporting the other’s boundary it’s because

…they don’t view the situation the same way you do

…they are too tired to be consistent and follow through, and they aren’t as motivated to do so since it wasn’t their rule

…they aren’t as aware of when kids are breaking the rules as you are, especially if their attention / focus isn’t on the kids as much as yours is

So they don’t follow through, and then their spouse gets angry and frustrated with them. And things go downhill from there.

How It Usually Goes When You Try to Get Your Spouse

On the Same Page Regarding Electronics

Scenario: Suzanne has been trying to enforce an consistent “electronics time” rule in the house. However, when she was at work one day and her husband Jonathan was home with the kids, she noticed that he let the kids onto their devices at other times during the day.

Suzanne: Jonathan, I can’t believe you let them have screen time! I told you that I was trying to set up a consistent time when they could be on their devices!

Jonathan: I know! But they were getting bored and starting to fight…

Suzanne: So? That doesn’t mean you just give them whatever they want.

Jonathan: No, but I didn’t want to deal with their fighting. Besides, it was YOU who came up with the idea of only being on their devices at a certain time during the day.

Suzanne: It’s for their own good…

Jonathan: Well I don’t want to put up with the tantrums that happen when we tell them no. It’s YOUR rule, so you enforce it.

Suzanne: But it won’t work unless you back me up! They need to know that sometimes they can’t have their devices.

Jonathan: Why? Kids need to relax.

Suzanne: They can relax without their screens…

Jonathan: I watched TV when I was young, and I turned out fine.

Suzanne: You weren’t watching as much as they do!

Jonathan and Suzanne go back and forth, each trying to convince the other of their point of view. Nothing is resolved.

How It COULD Go When You Try to Get Your Spouse

On the Same Page With Boundaries for Electronics

Suzanne: Jonathan, I noticed that the kids were on their screens in the afternoon.

Jonathan: Yeah? So?

CALM
Suzanne is already a little frustrated that Jonathan doesn’t seem to be taking her boundary seriously. But she knows if she loses her cool now, nothing will get resolved. She focuses on staying calm herself (rather than on Jonathan’s response) so that the conversation will remain productive.

Suzanne: Did you remember that we said that we wanted a consistent time when they could be on their devices?

Jonathan: Yeah, I knew YOU said you wanted that… But they were bored and starting to fight!

CONNECT
Suzanne wishes Jonathan would simply respect her perspective. She also knows that if she wants to get him to see her point of view, she needs to see his first.

Suzanne: Ugh, I hate when they do that! I guess I try to find a way to distract them when that happens too.

Jonathan (slightly less defensive): Yeah.

Suzanne (continuing to try to respect Jonathan’s perspective): Do you agree that we should have a set time for them to have their devices? Or do you disagree?

Jonathan: I think they need time to just chill out.

Suzanne: I agree. And I get how their devices seem like a good way to chill out. (Pauses.) Do you see that sometimes their behavior is worse when we let them have electronics whenever they want?

CORRECT
Just because she’s respecting Jonathan’s perspective does not mean that Suzanne has to give in. Once she has listened to what he has to say, she can respectfully offer her own point of view.

Jonathan (willing to see Suzanne’s point of view since she saw his): Yes. I guess so.

Suzanne: Does that bother you?

Jonathan: Yes. I’m not sure if giving them a set time to be on electronics will work though.

Suzanne: I’m not positive either. I’ve just heard it works and I want to give it a shot. Would you be willing to do that?

Jonathan: I guess.

Suzanne (sensing his hesitancy and trying to get in his shoes): How about if we come up with other ideas for them to do if they start fighting and I’m not around?

Jonathan: Yeah. That would be really helpful.

What YOU NEED (Proactively)

For This To Work Better In the Moment

Suzanne used the Calm, Connect, Correct strategy to speak with Jonathan in the moment. However, proactive deposits will make all of the difference in how this situation will play out.

If you want to be able to find solutions when you and your spouse disagree, remember:

CALM

You will only be able to stay calm when talking to your spouse if:

a.) your own biological or emotional “needs accounts” are met (otherwise you won’t have a reserve to draw from and you’ll immediately go into Yuck)

b.) you recognize and respect that your spouse has a different perspective than you do, and theirs is valid to them

When you make sure your own needs are met and you set realistic expectations PROACTIVELY, you are more likely to be able to stay calm.

CONNECT

You will be able to connect if

a.) you assume that your spouse is usually doing what they think is best for your children and

b.) you understand that your spouse is more likely to see your perspective if you see theirs

CORRECT

You will be able to resolve the disagreement with less arguing if you make deposits into your relationship so that you each WANT to be considerate of the other’s perspective in the moment