TIPS FOR HELPING KIDS HANDLE FRUSTRATION AND DISAPPOINTMENT
- Change your mindset from “I need to end their frustration / disappointment” to “I want them to learn they can handle frustration and disappointment by supporting them through it.”
- Don’t get sucked into their Yuck, even when their behavior is not as mature as you’d like to be.
- In the moment, model what it looks like to stay in control when things aren’t going your way. Express one time that you respect their perspective, and then let them travel the curve.
Here’s what this looks like:
SCENARIO
Will and his sister Grace are both home when one of Grace’s friends calls and asks her to come over. Once she leaves, Will starts whining and complaining that his sister Grace gets more time with friends and he never gets to do anything.
Dad: Will, you were at your friend’s house last weekend and Grace was home.
Will: That was different! I didn’t really want to go to Jack’s house!
Dad wants to use logic to explain why he treats Will the same as Grace, but realizes that Will is in Yuck and that doing so will be ineffective.
Dad: So you’re bummed that Grace got to go to a friend’s and you’re home with us.
Will: YES!
Dad: Yeah. I get that. Being home with us isn’t as much fun.
Will: And she always gets to go to her friend’s houses!
Dad doesn’t agree with Will but recognizes that he’s still in Yuck.
Dad: No wonder you’re upset if it feels like that.
Will: It doesn’t just FEEL LIKE THAT! IT IS!
Dad doesn’t say much, as he knows that nothing “works” when Will is in Yuck.
Will starts to calm down.
Will: This is just dumb and unfair.
Dad: I know this stinks, Kiddo.
Will doesn’t say anything. One he’s released his Yuck, he moves on to another activity with his dad.
DEALING WITH RESISTANCE
They are mean to you when you’re not responding because they’re in Yuck
What it may mean: This is their Yuck turned out. When a human is in Yuck (and doesn’t have healthy ways to cope), they will turn those big emotions out onto other people.
What you can say to yourself:
“If I get angry with my child right now, I’m doing the same thing that I don’t want them to do — I’m turning my Yuck out on them! Instead, I need to show them what it looks like to act mature.”
What you can say to them:
“You’re mad that I’m not talking to you. I’m here for you, but I am going to stop talking for now.”
Important note: This will NOT “work” to get them to act more mature. They won’t stop the Yuck behavior until they travel the Yuck curve. You’re only showing them (through your energy) that they are safe so that they can travel the curve more quickly.
They demand that they be able to get what the other person has
What it may mean: This is a sign that they’re feeling out of control and are trying to get more control. It’s also a sign that they’re on the Yuck curve and that they just need to let more Yuck come out. You can maintain your boundary (not giving them what they’re demanding) without getting sucked into their Yuck.
What to say to yourself:
“They’re trying to get control. If I say anything, they’ll probably feel MORE out of control. I need to just let them travel the curve.”
What to say to them:
Not much!
Important note: This will NOT “work” to get them to act more mature. They won’t stop the Yuck behavior until they travel the Yuck curve. You’re only showing them (through your energy) that they are safe so that they can travel the curve more quickly.