TIPS FOR HELPING KIDS HANDLE FRUSTRATION AND DISAPPOINTMENT
- Change your mindset from “I need to end their frustration / disappointment” to “I want them to learn they can handle frustration and disappointment by supporting them through it.”
- Don’t get sucked into their Yuck, even when their behavior is not as mature as you’d like to be.
- In the moment, model what it looks like to stay in control when things aren’t going your way. Express one time that you respect their perspective, and then let them travel the curve.
Here’s what this looks like:
Joey: Mom! What are you talking about? I was only on the tablet for like an hour this morning.
Mom: Joey, you were on it for almost THREE hours.
Joey: No I wasn’t!!
Mom knows that Joey’s illogical behavior means that he’s in Yuck. She reminds herself to stay in control of herself as he spirals more out of control.
Joey (yelling): Mom! You’re being unfair!!
Mom: Joey, I know you really want to be on your device. You were having a lot of fun with the game you were playing this morning.
Joey: Yeah! So let me play!
Mom: I can’t do that.
Joey: MOM!!! This is so dumb! I just want to finish my game!
Mom recognizes that Joey is deep in Yuck. She knows that engaging with him is only going to make things worse. She reminds herself that she wants to model what it looks like to stay calm even when Joey is NOT acting how she’d like him to. She doesn’t respond to Joey but instead uses a mantra, “He needs to travel the curve. He needs to travel the curve.”
Joey: MOM!!! This is so dumb! I just want to finish my game!
Mom doesn’t respond. She’s not ignoring Joey; she’s just not answering him and focusing on keeping herself and her energy calm.
Joey: MOM!!! This is so dumb! I just want to finish my game!
Mom doesn’t respond.
Joey: Why aren’t you answering me?!
Mom looks at him to show him that she’s can handle his frustration but doesn’t respond.
After more complaints and whining, Joey starts to calm down. He stops yelling. He sits down and becomes more and more quiet.
Mom: Do you want to show me that book you were telling me about earlier?
Joey (still sulking a little): Fine.
DEALING WITH RESISTANCE
They are rude to you when you’re not responding
What it may mean: This is their Yuck turned out. When a human is in Yuck (and doesn’t have healthy ways to cope), they will turn those big negative emotions out onto other people.
What you can say to yourself:
“If I get angry with my child right now, I’m doing the same thing that I don’t want them to do — I’m turning my Yuck out on them! Instead, I need to show them what it looks like to act mature.”
What you can say to them:
“I can tell that you’re really mad because you can’t [whatever they can’t have or do].”
Important note: This will NOT “work” to get them to act more respectful. They won’t be more respectful until they travel the Yuck curve. You’re only showing them (through your energy) that they are safe so that they can travel the curve more quickly.
They get more upset before they calm down
What it may mean: This is actually what’s supposed to happen! Remember, the Yuck curve is a curve. Kids will get MORE upset as they realize that you’re not giving in. Then they’ll get less upset as their brains realize there is no threat and they slowly begin to re-access their prefrontal cortex (the part of the brain that allows them to regulate their emotions).
What to say to yourself:
“They’re on that Yuck curve. I know things will get worse before they get better. I can handle it.”
What to say to them:
Not much!
Important note: This will NOT “work” to get them to act more respectful. They won’t be more respectful until they travel the Yuck curve. You’re only showing them (through your energy) that they are safe so that they can travel the curve more quickly.