What This Is Like from Your Perspective
Mornings are often a mad rush to get things done so you can do what you need to do that day. So when you need your child to get ready and they focus on everything EXCEPT getting their clothes on…
…when they’re distracted by all of the things in their room
…when they want to tell you a story that NEVER ends (and they can’t do that AND get dressed!)
…when they try to negotiate with you, which takes longer than getting dressed would have taken to begin with…
It’s infuriating! We get frustrated and often yell at our kids, or we make them feel bad, or we threaten to take things away from them. And ultimately, none of this helps them to speed up the process of getting dressed.
What This Is Like from Your Child’s Perspective
Children don’t necessarily mind getting dressed. They are just wired to be “distracted” by the most engaging, stimulating, novel thing around them. So they may start to get ready but don’t complete the task because…
…they notice a toy that they haven’t played with in a while
…they are thinking or talking about a story that really engages their attention
…interacting with you is more stimulating than getting their clothes on, which they do day after day after day
They’re really just listening to their brains. They don’t know how to do anything different, and they’re getting yelled at or in trouble for what comes naturally to them rather than being taught how they can change their behavior.
How It Usually Goes
When Your Child Takes Too Long to Get Ready
Scenario: Patrick’s dad is trying to get Patrick and his infant sister Jasmine ready for an event with the rest of the family. He tells Patrick that he needs to help Jasmine and asks Patrick to get his clothes on (which he’s physically capable of doing). When Patrick’s dad returns, Patrick only has his underwear and one sock on and is playing instead of getting dressed.
Dad: Patrick, I told you to get DRESSED!
Patrick: I AM, Dad!
Dad: You call THAT dressed? You don’t even have two socks on!
Patrick: I’m moving as fast as I can…
Dad: I don’t believe that. You’re playing! That’s NOT going as fast as you can!
Patrick: Rushing me makes it worse!
Dad: Well what am I supposed to do?? When I leave you alone, you don’t get anything done. And we have to meet everyone in 15 minutes!
Patrick: I’m TRYING, Dad!
Dad: Try harder. We’re always late and I’m tired of it!
Patrick (defensive): That’s not my fault!
Dad: Most of the time it is your fault, Patrick.
Patrick: No way! You take a long time with Jasmine too…
Dad: Patrick! Stop arguing with me. If you’d just gotten dressed when I asked we’d be done by now!
Patrick (starts to yell): Why are you always so mean to me??
Patrick makes no move to get dressed, and his dad knows that they will, yet again, be late.
How It Could Go
When Your Child Takes Too Long to Get Ready
Scenario: Patrick’s dad is trying to get Patrick and his infant sister Jasmine ready for an event with the rest of the family. He tells Patrick that he needs to help Jasmine and asks Patrick to get his clothes on (which he’s physically capable of doing). When Patrick’s dad returns, Patrick only has his underwear and one sock on and is playing instead of getting dressed.
Dad: No way, Patrick… You still aren’t dressed yet?
Patrick: I’m working on it.
Dad: Yeah, I see that. You have your underwear and socks on.
CALM
Patrick’s dad is very frustrated that Patrick hasn’t finished getting dressed. And he knows that if he focuses that, he’ll get angry… and that his anger will not motivate Patrick to get ready. So he focuses on staying calm himself rather than on Patrick’s behavior.
Patrick: Yup.
Dad: And what about the rest of your clothes?
Patrick: I’m working on it.
Dad: You were working on it the whole time I was gone?
Patrick: Yup.
Dad (not angrily, but matter-of-factly): I bet you were paying attention to something else though too, weren’t you?
Patrick: It’s hard, Dad! I noticed that Lego set over there and something was broken so I HAD to fix it…
Dad: I know it’s hard to ignore something like that. And getting dressed doesn’t always keep your attention, does it?
CONNECT
Patrick’s dad ultimately wants Patrick to get dressed. But instead of focusing on the outcome, he focuses on the reasons WHY Patrick isn’t doing what he’s supposed to. He recognizes that understanding the reason for behavior is what ultimately leads to changes in behavior.
Patrick: Nope.
Dad: Honestly, kiddo? My brain doesn’t always like to do boring things either.
Patrick: Really?
Dad: Really. And I wish we didn’t have to do those things, but we do. So I’m going to help you.
Patrick: OK.
Dad: I’m going to show you how to get through the things you have to do. Like this: Can you put your clothes on in alphabetical order? Think of the first letter of each item and use that to decide what goes on first. You already have your underwear on, so that’s a good thing. Otherwise you’d be putting that on last!
CORRECT
As much as he respect’s Patrick’s perspective, his dad does NOT change his boundary. Patrick still needs to get dressed. But instead of making him feel worse, Patrick’s dad focuses on giving Patrick the tools to be successful — in this case, the tools to do boring things. He teaches him how to create engagement in the task that must get done.
Patrick (laughs). OK, I have my pants, shirt, and socks. Pants are next.
Dad: Good. Think you can be done when I come back in 2 minutes?
Patrick: Yup.
Dad walks away and when he comes back, Patrick’s clothes are on because his brain has been able to engage in the task of getting ready.
What YOU NEED (Proactively)
For This To Work Better In the Moment
Patrick’s dad was able to balance FIRMNESS with RESPECT when dealing with Patrick’s behavior.
Proactive actions will make all of the difference in whether you are able to stay calm, connect, and correct behavior effectively.
You will only be able to stay CALM if:
a.) your biological or emotional “needs accounts” are met (otherwise you won’t have a reserve to draw from and you’ll immediately go into Yuck) and
a.) you recognize and respect that your kids have have a different perspective and agenda than you do, and that their perspective and agenda matter to them.
When you make sure your own needs are met and you set realistic expectations PROACTIVELY, you are more likely to be able to stay calm.
You will only be able to CONNECT if:
a.) you respect that ALL behavior has a reason and
b.) you understand those reasons (in a case like this, that kids struggle to do “monotonous” tasks because their brains are wired for engagement and novelty)
When you become comfortable with the reasons behind behavior PROACTIVELY, you will be able to connect more effectively.
You will only be able to CORRECT behavior if:
a.) You have demonstrated consistently in the past that you mean what you say when you set a boundary like “You need to get dressed now.”
b.) You have made enough deposits into your kids’ emotional needs that setting a boundary doesn’t put them immediately into Yuck.
When you demonstrate that you mean what you say and when you make deposits into your kids’ emotional needs PROACTIVELY, you will be able to correct behavior more effectively.