What This Is Like from Your Perspective
You’re trying hard to foster more responsible behavior in your kids.
You have created a list of tasks you expect them to accomplish.
You’re being consistent in enforcing boundaries, even when they complain.
You spend precious energy to make sure they’re contributing to the house because you know it’s important.
And then your co-parent doesn’t enforce the same boundaries and lets them get away with doing a lot less than you asked them to do.
You’re beyond frustrated… but don’t know what to how to convince them to step up.
What This Is Like from Your Co-Parent’s Perspective
Your co-parent may have heard you talk about the things you’re trying to get the kids to do. But sometimes they don’t support you because…
…They don’t agree about how important it is for the kids to do those tasks
…They don’t notice when the kids don’t do what they’re supposed to do
…They’re too tired to do what it takes to enforce the rules
So they do what they think is right — or what they have the energy to do — and they don’t like to be treated like they’re doing things the wrong way. So they can become defensive when you bring up the topic.
How It Usually Goes When You Don’t Feel Supported
By Your Co-Parent When It Comes To Kids’ Chores
Scenario: Monica and Jim have asked their three children to do more around the house. However, Monica feels that she’s had to do all of the work to get the kids to do their chores, and that Jim’s not backing her up, so she’s talking to him about it.
Monica: Jim, we decided TOGETHER that we wanted the kids to pitch in.
Jim: I know.
Monica: Well why aren’t you backing me up then?
Jim (defensive): I AM!
Monica: No you’re not, Jim. Lucy didn’t make her lunch like we asked her to last week. And you just did it for her.
Jim: That’s because she was tired that morning…
Monica: If we use that as an excuse, they’ll never learn! I do stuff when I’m tired all the time.
Jim: I think you’re too hard on her.
Monica: But if we’re not consistent, she’ll never do what we ask! And I’m the one around most of the time, so that makes MY job harder.
Jim: You could give her a break sometimes too…
Monica: JIM! If we give her a break sometimes, then she tries to get a break every single time! It’s exhausting!
Jim: Then maybe we should reconsider what we ask her to do.
Monica: But we just agreed that she needs to do more! Now you want to change things? You’re going to make me feel like the bad guy! AGAIN! Can you please STOP putting me in that position and just back me up?!
Jim and Monica continue to argue, each trying to convince the other that their perspective is valid.
How It Could Go (Better) When You Don’t Feel Supported
By Your Co-Parent When It Comes To Kids’ Chores
Scenario: Monica and Jim have asked their three children to do more around the house. However, Monica feels that she’s had to do all of the work to get the kids to do their chores, and that Jim’s not backing her up, so she’s talking to him about it.
Monica: Jim, we decided TOGETHER that we wanted the kids to pitch in.
Jim: I know.
Monica: Is that still something you want?
Jim (hesitates): I guess.
Monica (frustrated, but knowing that attacking Jim won’t help, she takes a deep breath and tries to remain on the same team with Jim): You’re not sure?
Jim: No.
Monica (focusing on being curious instead of judgmental): Do you know why?
Jim: Well, the other day, Lucy was tired. She hadn’t slept well the night before. I didn’t think she should have had to make her lunch. She’s a kid and I think we should give her a break sometimes.
Monica: I agree that she’s a kid. I also think it’s our job to teach kids to be responsible.
Jim: I agree. But she is a good kid, and I think sometimes we need to consider what’s going on for her.
Monica (becoming defensive): Do you think I don’t do that?
Jim (noticing Monica’s defensiveness and wanting to show her he’s on her side): Monica… You’re a great mom. I would love to give YOU a break too!
Monica (doesn’t say anything).
Jim: I just think we need to make sure we’re not pushing her too hard. I think you agree with that?
Monica: Yes. I do. But I also think we need to be consistent when we ask her to do something. Otherwise, she pushes back every single time.
Jim: I can see how that would be difficult. You are with them way more than I am.
Monica (appreciating that Jim acknowledged that): I am. And I don’t think you’re wrong, Jim. I wonder if we could give her a little break while still asking her to make her lunch.
Jim: How would we do that?
Monica: Maybe I can let her listen to music while she’s making her lunch… I usually ask her to turn it off because I’m not in the mood to hear it. But I can do that for her.
Jim: That’s a good idea. Or even allow her to pack an extra cookie in her lunch that day…
Monica: Yeah, I can figure something out.
Jim: OK, and if you can’t, I’ll help you come up with other ideas.
Monica: Sounds good.
Jim and Monica’s conversation goes smoothly because they are each willing to consider the other person’s perspective instead of insisting they are right.
This is much more likely to happen in your relationship if both you and your relationship are in a good place. If either you or your relationship are in a state of Yuck (more withdrawals and deposits), you are much less likely to want to see your co-parent’s perspective.