What This Is Like from Your Perspective

You have so many demands in your life. You’re trying to run a household; you’re trying to be a good spouse, friend, and mom; you’re trying to do a good job what you do, whether it’s at a traditional “job” or the other activities that you have committed to; you’re trying to set aside time for yourself… the list goes on and on.

So when your kids are

…fighting and bickering and complaining non-stop

…not going to bed, which means you get NO time to yourself

…being disrespectful or defiant or aggressive, with both angers and worries you,

you just wish things would change. You want things to be different… to be better. But as much as you focus on making things better, it never happens.

 

 

What This Is Like from Your Child’s Perspective

For better or worse (OK, often it’s for worse), kids are not wired to behave.

They are don’t have skills to control their impulses, resolve conflict, regulate their emotions, or act “mature” when they’re upset. So they do fight, bicker, complain, melt down, and resist boundaries. And when you’re exhausted and not responding effectively, they

…go deeper into Yuck and act out more

…sense the negative energy in the environment and respond negatively (through behavior) to that

…notice that you always seem tired and “on edge”

They don’t usually intend to misbehave… but their brains and bodies respond to what’s happening in their environment in frustrating ways. And a vicious cycle is created.

 

 

 

 

How It Usually Goes When We

Keep Wishing Things Were Different

(Our Internal Script)

Scenario: For once, Joan’s husband isn’t working late, so she asks him to put the kids to bed so she can have a few moments to herself. But the whole time her husband is trying to get the kids to bed, they scream and cry. She hears her daughter yell “I WANT MOMMY!” at the top of her lungs.

Joan (thinks): I’m so sick of this! I JUST NEED A FEW MINUTES TO MYSELF!  All day long, people are pulling at me, needing me, asking me questions. If it’s not “Mom, he’s bothering me” or “Mom, I need help” or “NO, Mommy!” it’s “Hey Hon, do you know where the salt is?” or “Joan, can you please volunteer for this one thing? We’re short-handed this year and we really need you!” And that’s only the start of it.

There’s only so much of me to go around!! I cannot do or be any more.

I just wish that I could have a few minutes a day to myself. And while I’m wishing, I also would love for my kids to NOT ARGUE for more than 5 minutes at a time. And I wish they’d let other people do things for them. I wish I could go to a friend’s house without worrying about their behavior so that I could enjoy some adult time. And while my husband is really supportive, I wish I didn’t have to be the one to ask him to help; it would be great if he just jumped in and took over sometimes…

Joan continues to think about all of the things she wishes would change. She feels exhausted, defeated, resentful, and hopeless. She has no energy or motivation to take action. 

How Could Go When We

Keep Wishing Things Were Different

(Our Internal Script)

Scenario: For once, Joan’s husband isn’t working late, so she asks him to put the kids to bed so she can have a few moments to herself. But the whole time her husband is trying to get the kids to bed, they scream and cry. She hears her daughter yell “I WANT MOMMY!” at the top of her lungs.

Joan (thinks): I really, really wanted some time to myself. There is so much going on all day long… between the kids and my husband needing things and trying to get things done around the house and people at the kids’ schools asking me to do things… I feel depleted.

 

I really wish things could be different. (She starts to cry. She lets herself cry, feeling the tension release from her body.)

 

(A few minutes later…)

OK… It would be great if things were different. And I know I have a right to feel the way I feel. 

​​I also know that wishing things were better isn’t going to MAKE things better. Thinking about how awful things are only makes me more and more upset. And when I’m upset, things around the house get so much worse.

 

So what CAN I do? For now, I’m just going to go into the bathroom and turn on the shower (and music if needed) so I can’t hear the kids. I’m going to let this feeling pass. I know it WILL go away. None of my feelings last forever.

 

(Once in the bathroom….)

OK, focusing on what’s in my control helps a little. I also know that if I spend so much energy trying to get my kids or husband to change, I’ll continue to be frustrated and exhausted.

 

What’s the next small thing I can do? I’m going to make a list of everything that’s on my plate. And I’m going to figure out the FIRST thing to tackle to start to make changes. Focus on one thing at a time. Focus on what’s in my control. I can do this.

 

Joan is still tired, but she is more hopeful. Her small hope, plus the release of some of her Yuck through crying, gives her a small spark of motivation and energy to take action. 

 

 

As always, you will have a much easier time shifting your thoughts and feelings if:

~you’ve made proactive deposits so your biological or emotional “needs accounts” are met

(otherwise you won’t be able to think clearly enough to work through your story) and

~you recognize and respect that your kids have have a different perspective and agenda than you do,

and that you can only control your own thoughts and actions.