What This Is Like from Your Perspective
You know that it’s helpful to be on the same page with your spouse/co-parent. And you’d like to be that way. But sometimes you see them in engaging in a conflict with your child that you think is unnecessary, you…
…tell them why what they’re doing is wrong
…come in and take over the situation
…give your child a direction that is different than your spouse’s
You want to make the situation better, and you’ll do what it takes in the moment to make that happen.
What This Is Like from Your Child’s Spouse’s Perspective
Most parents are doing what they believe is in a child’s best interest. And when they get angry, it’s usually over something they feel really strongly about. So when a spouse disagrees with them in front of a child…
…they feel disrespected and it makes them more angry
…they dig their heels in even more and are not likely to “listen to reason”
…it affects their relationship with their spouse on a larger level
Parents all want to be supported, and if they can’t be supported, they at least want to be respected.
How It Usually Goes When You Witness Conflict
Between Your Child and Your Spouse/Co-Parent
Scenario: It’s bedtime, and Danny is putting their son Jeremy to bed when Karen walks by and hears them arguing. Danny and Jeremy are arguing, and Danny is threatening not to let Jeremy go to his play date the next day. Karen knows that Danny is just threatening out of anger (and that taking away the play date is not an option), so she walks in.
Karen: Danny! What are you DOING?
Danny: Jeremy won’t go to bed! I’m sick of this behavior!
Karen: You can’t tell him that he can’t go to his friend’s house…
Danny: Oh yes I can! He needs to learn.
Karen: But we planned this months ago. And they already bought tickets to a show!
Danny: I don’t care.
Karen: This is ridiculous, Danny. You can’t just do that because he won’t go to bed!
Jeremy: Dad! I want to go to see the show!
Danny: You can’t go anywhere with the way you’re behaving!
Karen: Jeremy, just go to bed please.
Jeremy: But I don’t want to!
Danny: See Karen, you’re too easy on him. And then he thinks HE’S in charge around here.
Jeremy (starts to cry): I just don’t want to go to bed…
Karen (walks over to Jeremy): I know, kiddo.
Danny (interrupts her): Oh great, now you’re going to give in to him. You’re going to raise him to think he can get whatever he wants.
Karen: No I’m not, Danny. I was just trying to help.
Danny (angrily): I had it under control!
Danny storms out and it takes Karen almost 30 minutes to calm Jeremy down enough to go to sleep.
How It Could Go (Better) When You Witness Conflict
Between Your Child and Your Spouse/Co-Parent
Scenario: It’s bedtime, and Danny is putting their son Jeremy to bed when Karen walks by and hears them arguing. Danny and Jeremy are arguing, and Danny is threatening not to let Jeremy go to his play date the next day. Karen knows that Danny is just threatening out of anger (and that taking away the play date is not an option), so she walks in.
Karen (walks into the room slowly): It sounds like someone doesn’t want to go to sleep at bedtime…
Danny: Yeah! Jeremy isn’t getting into bed!
Karen (keeping her tone lighthearted): Uh-oh! But it’s bedtime! What is the problem, Jeremy?
CALM
Karen wants the conflict to be resolved. But she doesn’t want to come in and make the situation worse, so she focuses on remaining lighthearted and not getting sucked into the drama.
Jeremy: I don’t want to go to bed!
Danny: Well that’s too bad! It’s not about what you WANT.
Karen: Daddy is right about telling you it’s time to go to bed, kiddo. I know you want to play more…
CONNECT
Karen wishes Danny were being more respectful to Jeremy, but she also doesn’t want to undermine him in front of Jeremy. So she emphasizes Danny’s boundary, but she also validates Jeremy’s point of view.
Danny: Why are you being so nice to him??
Karen: Danny, you are right. It is bedtime. You had a long day today. Would it be OK if I get him to bed tonight?
CORRECT
Karen knows that since she is calmer, she should be the one to get Jeremy to bed. She lets Danny know her boundary, but she does it in a way that is still respectful to Danny and doesn’t make him feel disrespected or like she’s taking control from him.
Danny: Don’t coddle him, Karen!
Karen: I hear you, Danny. I do. I’m going to get him to bed.
Danny (sighs): Fine.
Danny walks out of the room. Karen asks Jeremy to tell her his one quick last thing he’ll do before bed. When he finishes, she gives him a hug, does their secret handshake as an extra deposit, and puts him to bed.