What This Is Like from Your Perspective
You know your kids are going to be excited over the holidays; they’re seeing friends and cousins, there are lots of presents and more electronics… and a lot more sugar (and less sleep). But when they’re acting so hyper…
…When they’re jumping on the furniture
…When they’re yelling and screaming
…When they’re running up to people and smacking them…
You need to know how to get them to calm down. You tell them to stop doing what they’re doing, but that only seems to rile them up more.
What This Is Like from Their Perspective
Holiday time is exciting for kids. It’s filled with new toys, fun people, and often fewer rules. So they get overly excited and…
…They jump on furniture and yell and scream, especially when they’re around other kids doing the same thing
…They’re attracted to what’s happening around them, not the rules that don’t matter much to them.
…They have a tough time slowing down their bodies even when they try.
They are so caught up in the moment that it’s difficult for them to “calm down” on demand.
How It Usually Goes When
Kids Are Overstimulated
Scenario: Hunter and his cousin Stuart are chasing each other, running around as if there were no one else around. Hunter’s dad asks Hunter to slow down. He doesn’t stop.
Dad: Hunter! I said STOP THAT!
Stuart continues to run, and Hunter continues to chase him.
Dad: Hunter! Stop running! There are other people here.
Hunter: Dad, we’re PLAYING!
Dad: I don’t care. You could hurt someone. Stop right now!
Hunter (yelling as he’s running): Dad! We’re not hurting anyone!
Dad: Hunter, don’t ignore me! I said to slow down.
Hunter and his cousin race up the stairs and start chasing each other up there.
Hunter’s does not want to go upstairs, so he leaves Hunter alone, knowing that Hunter will be even more over-tired when they have to leave later.
How It Could Go
When Kids Are Overstimulated
Scenario: Hunter and his cousin Stuart are chasing each other, running around as if there were no one else around. Hunter’s dad asks Hunter to slow down. He doesn’t stop.
Dad: Hunter, you need to slow down.
Stuart continues to run, and Hunter continues to chase him.
CALM
Hunter’s dad wants Hunter to calm down. He also knows that yelling at Hunter won’t get him to slow down. So he reminds himself that he knows how to handle the situation. He focuses on his own calm (rather than Hunter’s behavior) so he can handle the situation effectively.
Dad: Ahh, I can see how much energy you have right now.
Dad goes over to the boys.
Dad: So… you’re in the mood to run… Well, who can run to that wall and back 10 times before I count to 50?
CONNECT
Hunter’s dad knows that he needs to see the situation from Hunter’s perspective. Hunter can’t just “calm down” just because he’s asked to. So Hunter’s dad starts where Hunter is (asking him to continue to run) so that he can teach him how to transition to a slower speed.
Both boys take the challenge. Each runs to the wall and back.
Dad: OK, who can crawl on their hands and knees to the wall and back. This time, do it 5 times before I count to 25.
Both boys again prove that they can do what he asks.
Dad: OK, now, Hunter, can you name all 7 continents? And Stuart, name all of the months that begin with the letter “M.” But tell me in a normal voice. No screaming.
Hunter and Stuart have to think for a moment, which slows them down a bit. Then they answer him.
Dad: OK, one more challenge. Can you sit down, count to 50 in your head, and then whisper your top 3 favorite foods.
Hunter and Stuart sit in the chair and whisper as challenged.
Dad: OK kiddos, now that you’ve slowed down a bit, let’s find you something to do that doesn’t require running. What would you like to do?
CORRECT
As much as Hunter’s dad is giving Hunter tools to succeed, he still maintains his boundary. He lets Hunter know what his expectations are (that they can’t run anymore) while teaching them how to do what they’re asked.
Hunter: Let’s do that Lego set!
Stuart: Yeah! Let’s go!
Hunter and Stuart sit down in front of the Lego set.
Note: If Hunter hadn’t participated in the challenges, his dad could also have helped him get rid of his energy by re-stating his boundary firmly. Hunter would have gotten upset, which would also have released Yuck (and energy).
What Must Happen
For This To Work Better In the Moment
Hunter’s dad was able to balance FIRMNESS with RESPECT when dealing with Hunter’s behavior.
However, proactive actions will make all of the difference in whether you are able to stay calm, connect, and correct behavior effectively.
You will only be able to stay CALM if:
a.) your biological or emotional “needs accounts” are met (otherwise you won’t have a reserve to draw from and you’ll immediately go into Yuck) and
b.) you recognize and respect that your kids have have a different perspective and agenda than you do, and that their perspective and agenda matter to them.
When you make sure your own needs are met and you set realistic expectations PROACTIVELY, you are more likely to be able to stay calm.
You will only be able to CONNECT if:
a.) you respect that ALL behavior has a reason and
b.) you understand those reasons (in a case like this, that kids can’t just “calm down,” and that they need help transitioning from an overstimulated state to a slower pace)
When you become comfortable with the reasons behind behavior PROACTIVELY, you will be able to connect more effectively.
You will only be able to CORRECT behavior if:
a.) You have demonstrated consistently in the past that you mean what you say when you set a boundary like “You need to stop running.”
b.) You have made enough deposits into your kids’ emotional needs that setting a boundary doesn’t put them immediately into Yuck.
When you demonstrate that you mean what you say and when you make deposits into your kids’ emotional needs PROACTIVELY, you will be able to correct behavior more effectively.