What This Is Like from Your Perspective
There are so many demands on our time. And although our kids are a big part of what drains our energy, they’re not the only things on our to-do list.
… The house and car and pets need to be taken care of.
…We are involved with work, and volunteering, and projects that are important to us.
...We need to put time into our marriage and our friendships, or we know they will suffer.
…And that’s just the beginning!
But although we feel burnt out and overwhelmed, we don’t know how to simplify things. Everything seems important.
What This Is Like from Your Child’s Perspective
One thing that children need — they don’t just want it, they NEED it — is attention from their parents.
And while most kids know that their parents love them, but they don’t know that their parents want to be with them. Because they see us:
…rushing around all the time
…acting irritable because we’re stressed out and overwhelmed
…focusing only on things that have to get done rather than enjoying time together
And since they are seeking that attention, they will find a way to get it — often by whining or complaining or acting out.
This isn’t even a conscious choice. It’s just something that happens when they need more than they’re getting.
How It Usually Goes When We Are Overwhelmed
But Don’t Know How to Simplify Our Lives
(An Internal Script)
Scenario: Julie has 3 kids, each of whom do 1 activity. She volunteers in each of her kids’ classrooms. Her mom is having health problems, so she drives her mother to doctor’s appointments. She also writes a blog whenever she has a moment to sit down. At the end of each day, she’s exhausted. And she realizes that lately, she’s been snapping at her kids more and more.
Julie (thinks): I cannot keep up this pace. It is affecting my health and it’s affecting my relationship with my kids and with my husband! I know something has to change… but I have no idea how I to make that change. (And honestly, I’m tired even thinking about it!)
I feel like I’m doing too much… But I have friends whose kids are involved in 2 and 3 sports each… Our kids are only involved in one activity. And I don’t think it’s fair to them to cut out those activities just because I’M tired. And those activities are really good for them! I want to volunteer in my kids’ classrooms because I want to know what’s happening in their lives. I have to take care of my mom; no one else is around to do it. (Besides, she’s my MOM.)
But between driving the kids and driving my mom and dealing with the kids’ behaviors and trying to keep up with everything the house…and dealing with that rental property that we still haven’t gotten rid of… and the dog is sick and I need to give him his medication…
I can’t find any time for me! I never see my friends anymore and I haven’t exercised in weeks.
I’m honestly afraid that if I cut anything out, it would stress me out even more…
Julie feels stuck and helpless and stops thinking about making changes. Instead, she goes back to the day-to-day grind that is exhausting her.
How It Could Go When We Are Overwhelmed
But Don’t Know How to Simplify Our Lives
(An Internal Script)
Scenario: Julie has 3 kids, each of whom do 1 activity. She volunteers in each of her kids’ classrooms. Her mom is having health problems, so she drives her mother to doctor’s appointments. She also writes a blog whenever she has a moment to sit down. At the end of each day, she’s exhausted. And she realizes that lately, she’s been snapping at her kids more and more.
Julie (thinks): I know I cannot keep up this pace. It is affecting my health and it’s affecting my relationship with my kids and with my husband! I know something has to change. I am going to come up with a solution. No one else will come up with it for me.
One thing I realize is that I’m really good at justifying why I need to do everything. If they gave an medal for that, I’d win gold! I also realize that when I justify doing everything, it’s because I’m focusing what seems important right now… The question is, will those same things still seem important in 5 years? When I look back at my life 5 years ago, I KNOW there are things that seemed so important then… that, in hindsight, really weren’t. I could have spent a lot less time doing them.
If I’m going to simplify — and I know I have to — I need to think about the big picture. I know there are things that, if I keep doing them, I will regret because they’re not important in the grand scheme of things. Obviously taking care of health issues of those I love (my mom, my dog) are important. But what if I DON’T volunteer in each of my kids’ classrooms every year? Will I look back and regret that? Not if gives me a little more time to do things that energize me… and then I’m not so irritated with them all the time!
If I don’t want to feel exhausted and resentful, I need to make sure I’m spending the energy I have on what really matters. (If someone looked at my schedule right now, what would it show is important to me? Laundry, cooking and driving people around? Is doing laundry the best way to show my family how important they are to me? Is THAT what I want them to remember?!)
Instead of thinking about all of the reasons I MUST do everything on my plate — I WILL find reasons for everything! — I’m going to plan backwards. I’m going to think about how I’d like things to be in my life — what really is important — and then I’m going to schedule in the things that align with that FIRST. Of course other things need to get done too. But I can fit those in around the important things…And when something doesn’t seem to fit in, I’ll decide if I really need to do it. If that less important task would kick something else that truly matters off of my schedule, I can find a way to make it take less time…or get someone else to help me… or maybe, just maybe, it doesn’t need to happen.
Julie does a brain dump of all of the things on her plate right now. She starts to prioritize what really matters and begins to feel relieved as she realizes that she can re-gain some control over her time and energy.