What This Is Like from Your Perspective
You know the benefit of having routines, and you’d like to create more structure to your day. But when you try to maintain a routine that your children don’t like:
…they just don’t do what you ask them to do or
…they whine and complain or
…they get distracted unless you’re there to nag them every step of the way
All of those behaviors are incredibly exhausting to battle with! And then it seems that trying to set up a routine takes MORE energy, so you just give up.
What This Is Like from Your Child’s Perspective
Kids don’t like change, and they don’t like boredom. They’ll resist both… so when you make a change in their routine and then ask them to do things the same way each day,
…they are thinking of other things instead of what you’re asking them to do, so they don’t listen to you
…they get annoyed and let you know that in less-than-mature ways
…their brains are attracted to anything that’s more exciting than what they’re doing and don’t finish the routine
They’re often not internally motivated to do the things they’re supposed to do… so they need help figuring out how to do it anyway.
How It Usually Goes When You Try to
Set a Routine/Boundary and Your Child Resists
Scenario: Kim always seems to want her mother’s attention right as her mother is making dinner every night. Kim’s mother decides to start a new routine at that time where she has Kim doing something in the other room while she is cooking dinner. Kim and her mom have already made a list of things for Kim to do while her mom is making dinner, But Kim doesn’t seem to want to follow this new routine.
Mom: Kim, I told you that we’re going to try something new. Please go play while I make dinner.
Kim: But I want to talk to you!
Mom: I can’t talk, Honey. I have to make dinner. Remember… we made that list of things for you to do.
Kim: But I just have one question!
Mom (sighs, knowing that one question always turns into more than that): Kim, I need to make dinner!
Kim: You can make dinner! But can you look at this one thing I did?
Mom (feeling bad that she hadn’t been with Kim all day, looks at what Kim is doing): That’s great!
Kim: And can I just tell you ONE THING what happened today?
Mom (trying to listen and cook): Fine. One thing.
Kim (whines): Mom, you’re not listening!
Mom (explodes): No, I’m not listening! I’m trying to make dinner and I ASKED you to play while I did it. How are we going to EAT if you don’t let me make dinner?
Kim starts crying hysterically. Her mom feels awful… and then frustrated that the new routine just isn’t working.
How It Could Go (Better) When You Try to
Set a Routine/Boundary and Your Child Resists
Scenario: Kim always seems to want her mother’s attention right as her mother is making dinner every night. Kim’s mother decides to start a new routine at that time where she has Kim doing something in the other room while she is cooking dinner. Kim and her mom have already made a list of things for Kim to do while her mom is making dinner, But Kim doesn’t seem to want to follow this new routine.
Mom: Kim, you really want to talk to me right now, don’t you?
CALM
Kim’s mom doesn’t like that Kim isn’t doing the routine that they’d talked about. But she knows that if she loses her cool, the situation will only get worse. So she focuses on her own behavior, which is the only thing that’s in her control.
Kim: YES! I hate when you make dinner. I just want to tell you one thing!
Mom: I know. We haven’t seen each other all day and you want to tell me about what happened.
CONNECT
Kim’s mom just wants Kim to do what they’d agreed she’d do. But she knows that Kim is also feeling disconnected from her, and that if she doesn’t start with a connection, Kim will focus more on that than on doing the plan they’d created together.
Kim: Yeah, like today do you know what my teacher did?
Mom: I cannot wait to hear what your teacher did. I want to hear all about it at dinner. For now, we’re going to do that new routine that we talked about and practiced. Yesterday you decided that when I was making dinner, you were going to make a book for us to read at bedtime.
Kim: Yeah.
Mom: OK, do that please.
Kim: I can’t think of a story though! Can you help?
Mom: No Kim, I’m going to be over here making dinner.
Kim: MOM! I can’t do this!
Mom, knows that she MUST be firm. She also realizes that Kim is frustrated by the boundary and needs to release her Yuck, so doesn’t say anything.
Kim: Mom! I don’t want to do a book!
Mom still doesn’t say anything.
Kim is starting to realize that she’s not going to get her way and becomes even more frustrated.
Kim: Stop ignoring me!
Mom knows that nothing she says will make Kim feel better — if she explains why she’s not answering, Kim won’t care — so she still doesn’t take the bait from Kim.
Kim continues to complain for a few moments. Kim’s mom returns to making dinner. She’s not ignoring Kim, but she’s also not engaging in conversation.
CORRECT
As much as Kim’s mom wants to respect her daughter, she knows she also needs to set firm boundaries if she wants Kim to start to use the new routine. If Kim learns that there are loopholes, she will try to find them every time and enforcing a routine will get harder and harder. So she stays firm in her boundary and lets Kim get upset, knowing that releasing her Yuck is what will allow Kim to do what she’s supposed to do.
Kim eventually realizes that she’s not getting anywhere with her mom. At that point, she’s released her big feelings.
Kim: Mom… Fine, I’ll do the book. But I want you to read me the whole thing at bedtime.
Mom (recognizing that Kim is just trying to assert a little bit of control): I’m happy to do that, Kim.
.
What You Need to Make This
In-the-Moment Scenario Work
Although Kim’s mom used Calm, Connect, Correct,
proactive tools will make all of the difference in how this situation plays out in the moment.
For her to stay CALM in the moment, she needs tools to reduce her overall Yuck and tools to handle her triggers….
Otherwise Kim’s behavior will put her into Yuck an ineffective power struggle will ensue.
For him to CONNECT in the moment, he needs tools to understand what’s causing his son’s negative behavior…
Otherwise she won’t recognize that Kim is craving connection and that if there’s a chance she’ll be able to get that connection, she’ll fight to get it. Only when she knows her mom’s boundaries are firm will she stop pushing. (And Kim’s mom can make note to deposit into Kim’s Connection account at a later time.)
For her to CORRECT in the moment, Kim needs to know her mom means what she says because she’s been consistent in the past.
Kim’s mom also needs to know how to give Kim tools she needs to succeed.
Otherwise Kim won’t take her seriously and/or won’t be able to do what she needs to do.