Question from Member: I’m having a hard time with my oldest daughter expressing her “opinions “ very vocally in front of my younger children. She is very intelligent, but, as a 20 yo, thinks she knows more than she does. For example, we raised her as a Catholic and for the last couple of years, she is constantly criticizing organized religion in front of my 13 yo and 10, who we are trying to teach. What should I do??
Reply from Rachel: Oh that's so hard, because we all know that younger mimic and are affected by older siblings -- especially the negative behavior! (Sigh.)
What I would do is realize that at 20, what she really craves is respect and control. So if you tell her that you don't want her to talk like that in front of her siblings, she'll likely do it more (because she'll feel like you care about your perspective more than hers, and she won't like being asked/told what to do).
Instead, I'd have a conversation with her when things are in a good place:
*Ask her to tell you more about her perspective. And when she's telling you, genuinely try to respect what she's saying. You don't have to AGREE with her, but if you want her to respect you, you'll have to respect her too. (Respect = acknowledging that her opinion matters, even if you don't agree with it.)
*Then set a boundary... If she lives in your home, it's OK for you to tell her how you'd like things to be. But then give her some say within your boundary. (For example, if you say, "I would like you to stop criticizing religion in front of the kids," ask her if there's another time / way that she'd like to express herself...) The more you try to control her, the more she will do the OPPOSITE of what you ask, just to show she has control.
To give her more control, you can also ask her how she'd like you to handle it in the moment if she says something that makes you uncomfortable.
Remember, the more respect and control you give her (within your boundary), the better this will go.
Reply from Member: Thanks!!
